tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9193316819499446317.post2637440512049788138..comments2024-03-28T11:19:25.795+01:00Comments on - Memoires of a Heroinhead -: The Pain of PainkillingMemoirs of a Heroinheadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17401281805284793756noreply@blogger.comBlogger21125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9193316819499446317.post-64132134074842051422022-11-30T23:58:44.068+01:002022-11-30T23:58:44.068+01:00If you ever read this kate, I once helped sort out...If you ever read this kate, I once helped sort out a clucking kate I met at Cardiff Central...was that you?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9193316819499446317.post-89876194272786046042017-07-27T08:37:35.840+02:002017-07-27T08:37:35.840+02:00Order a professional Sparkling White Smiles Custom...Order a professional <a href="http://teeth-whitening.syntaxlinks.com/r/SparklingWhiteSmiles" rel="nofollow"><b>Sparkling White Smiles</b></a> <b><i>Custom Teeth Whitening System</i></b> online and get <b>BIG SAVINGS</b>!<br />* Up to 10 shades whiter in days!<br />* Results Guaranteed.<br />* Better than your dentist.<br />* Same Teeth Whitening Gel as dentists use.Bloggerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07287821785570247118noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9193316819499446317.post-1989568655583497142015-09-17T19:10:13.437+02:002015-09-17T19:10:13.437+02:00That's just nasty. Stop. :/That's just nasty. Stop. :/Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9193316819499446317.post-75111380497149385672015-08-26T19:19:01.397+02:002015-08-26T19:19:01.397+02:00Hi Shane, its Kate from Sunny Swansea AGAIN.
I re...Hi Shane, its Kate from Sunny Swansea AGAIN. <br />I read this a while back and decided to read it again just now. I've never injected, only ever used foil. <br />I'm wondering something, about getting a good vein whilst clucking. <br />It's bad enough opening the bloody knotted plastic glove finger tip bag open! I understand (I think anyway) the draw to injecting as opposed to smoking....economics obviously play a part but I assume it's just a harder hit. <br />Reading about your frustration in finding a vein etc...being on the edge of sickness I was wondering if injecting addicts with problem veins have a little smoke first to sort their heads out a little bit before hand? I get it that it's not feasible if you've only got a ten bag or something..but is it done?<br />It may seem like a stupid question to ask. I'm just interested. The people who I know who inject sneer at foil users like we are dumb...like they've climbed up some junkie hierarchy and they know best so shut up! <br />So, I'm asking you. Cos I know you would give me an honest and sensible answer. <br />Thanks! <br />Kate...it's been sunny again. <br />Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9193316819499446317.post-960924948128512512015-06-17T15:00:25.295+02:002015-06-17T15:00:25.295+02:00Oh my, this is very familiar. Getting undressed, ...Oh my, this is very familiar. Getting undressed, the time spent, false registers, veins blowing, the frustration and cursing, etc. During periods of time that it tends to be hard every time, it leaves me more willing to stay in bed sick for a couple of hours in the morning, rather than have to go deal with the most difficult shot of the day. It's quite obnoxious, and sometimes end up just shoving the shot in a larger spider vein or trickler, just due to being so damn sick of looking. My veins started out as shit - small, rolling, deep, hard to find. Was given injections by my bf during most of my first couple of years, he just offered right away, then one day he was done. And picked up the bad habits of a long-term user (such as following veins til they're done) and none of the skills. But have less fear of using certain places than some people who've used for longer (but had access to exchanges.) However, am aware there are some spots where the vein is just too small or do not have the skill to hit it. The marking of spots - position and angle - do that too, as well as making sure to leave lots of room for blood. You're lucky to be able to remove the needle from the syringe. Clots are awful. Have never mastered that piggybacking thing at all.eyelickhttp://eyelick25.blogspot.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9193316819499446317.post-76137528137052449272015-05-07T18:23:13.125+02:002015-05-07T18:23:13.125+02:00Hi Shane. I've been reading your blog for the ...Hi Shane. I've been reading your blog for the past few months, and I just want to thank you for your posts. I've been using for 5 years, hooked on opiates for 9, and I've been vascillating between trying to quit and relapsing for the past year or so. I'm lucky to have a family who supports me and wants me to get better...I know this...but I catch their looks of disgust from time to time and feel so fucking alone. So, thank you for being there, your posts mean a lot to me.<br /><br />I'll write again,<br />J.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9193316819499446317.post-4635170221830798092015-04-23T09:41:26.380+02:002015-04-23T09:41:26.380+02:00Hey Speedy... The Blackhouse... Here's what I ...Hey Speedy... The Blackhouse... Here's what I say about it in a soon to be published interview with The Fix magazine: <br /><br />It was extremely frightening. We were surrounded by perverts and paedophiles and deviants of all kinds. It was also a place of chronic substance abuse and those people are very volatile and unpredictable. So it was terrifying and yet it was enthralling and ultimately inspired a great literature within me. XMemoirs of a Heroinheadhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17401281805284793756noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9193316819499446317.post-28829346043873134902015-04-23T08:59:10.191+02:002015-04-23T08:59:10.191+02:00Hey Peer and thanks for your words. Sick Jesus. I...Hey Peer and thanks for your words. Sick Jesus. I had to put it o<br /><br />n temporary hold as I began the very final rewrite of my novel Waiting for John and it was impossible to flit between the two worlds. But WFJ is all but completely finished now... Just one or two pages of rewriting left. I was also writing new stuff for here, some of the best stuff I've done for a while. But Sick Jesus will continue very shortly. XShane Levenehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03863320007737754609noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9193316819499446317.post-7349860913455221192015-04-22T00:16:53.216+02:002015-04-22T00:16:53.216+02:00Wow thats pretty scary. Ive been using H for 1 yea...Wow thats pretty scary. Ive been using H for 1 year and only snort. I dont think I will ever jump to the needle (never heard that one before)<br />My main drug for the last 11 years has been amphetamine. I can see myself quitting H but not speed.<br />Anyways great writing, my favourite story is the black house. Must have been a crazy experience.Speedynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9193316819499446317.post-52942252966144752302015-04-21T22:10:10.083+02:002015-04-21T22:10:10.083+02:00Hi Shane,
As I suffer from a terrible phobia of ne...Hi Shane,<br />As I suffer from a terrible phobia of needles, blood and such things, this was by far the most difficult post to read on your blog. I cringed and covered my eyes every second, but it was worth it! I really loved this post, and for some reason this whole heroin culture really interests me, even though I have no drug history other than occasional pot smoking. Keep writing great stuff!<br />By the way, why haven't you released any sick Jesus story for 3 weeks? I really like it :)Peet79https://www.blogger.com/profile/11493472907238256488noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9193316819499446317.post-25723948593214744912015-04-21T05:02:41.868+02:002015-04-21T05:02:41.868+02:00I'm surprised people who aren't addicts ar...I'm surprised people who aren't addicts are able to read this post without feeling ill. It's ridiculous how comfortable we become ramming needles into ourselves, all over our bodies, again and again. Even in my early days I had more trouble than most and had to be creative in finding a spot to hit, so that even after all this time I have no track marks in the tell-tale spots like the crook of the arm. I've never been able to hit there and learned early on to not even try.<br />Now, years into it, I'm lucky if it only takes me the better part of half an hour to get a successful shot. It's crazy how I (and many addicts I suppose) take a grotesque pride in being able to pull off injections in tiny veins in strange places, like the ankle, in between the fingers, and of course the calf!<br />Reading the end of your post felt so victorious, particularly because I've found unexpected salvation hitting in my calf before. The moment where you're thinking "This will never work, I don't even see any veins here", then boom- the flowering of the blood into the barrel and you can't believe your luck as you push it home.<br />As usual you capture it brilliantly... the beauty of our disgusting desperation. Thank you.Claudianoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9193316819499446317.post-53017975420978732122015-04-21T03:57:48.807+02:002015-04-21T03:57:48.807+02:00Hey Karl Me ol' mate... (going back to me cock...Hey Karl Me ol' mate... (going back to me cockney routes for this one!)<br /><br />Ten plus pins... i hear ya. Even worse when you're out of pins and going through your old needle bags, pulling the spike backwards across your arm to test how sharp it is and it's not jagged. i still cringe thinking of the feeling of trying to hit up with a jagged needle, in your head you can hear and feel it rip and tear the skin and flesh. I've spennt evenings trying to get fixes, and because of all the messing around you only get maybe 2/3 of the shot and so need todo the same all over again once you eventually struck home. I mentioned to Joe above how it was the only time i've ever seriously wanted to quit. Squirting away fix after fix, covered in blood... getting ill because of the time it's taking and just sitting their, staring at my body and having no idea where the hell i could try next. I've been smoking or snorting recently. I fix the starter for ten and smoke to top it up. Where I'm not using everyday I can do it and just about get away with it, but on a proper daily habit smoking just wouldn't be an option. As with you, I just prefer swallowing my juice most days. It's nowhere near the same but allows you to do different things... things you'd never get around to doing on H... like writing this comment! XShane Levenehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03863320007737754609noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9193316819499446317.post-29996558823841937702015-04-21T00:11:02.660+02:002015-04-21T00:11:02.660+02:00Hi Shane
After 20yrs of iv using & not going d...Hi Shane<br />After 20yrs of iv using & not going down the groin road I've often spent 2 or 3 hours persevering with ten plus pins discarded on the floor, often going back to the discarded ones to find a sharper one. These days when I'm using I'll only have the one hit per day but I make sure it's a hit worth doing, going through the rigmoral for a bag or even worse a wash just aint worth the trouble I'd rather swallow my meth. Although with the quality of the gear these days I sometimes get more satisfaction from achieving the hit than from the gear itself, because when that blood finally flows into the works it's pure relief and as soon as the plunger hit home I always repeat "thankyou" 2 or 3 times out loud even when I'm on my own to bring me luck for next time.<br /> karlhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09348192514955706097noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9193316819499446317.post-60932908460105926052015-04-20T17:03:48.932+02:002015-04-20T17:03:48.932+02:00I'm glad there's no masochism or anything ...I'm glad there's no masochism or anything involved. Hope you can switch to smoking or something if the veins become impossible.<br /><br />I understand about getting better than the 'experts'. I spent so much time getting tests I started to get irritated with those who weren't up to scratch. Some blood-takes left nothing, others left huge bruises. I think people at work were beginning to wonder.<br /><br />I was just glad it wasn't cancer in my case – which I was convinced it was. I think we both have a propensity for episodes of dramatic hypochondria. I now feel curiously 'safe' having had all those tests. And I intend to get them to repeat them all every year – I'm making up for decades of doctor-avoidance. <br /><br />Oh I'm well past chat-up lines! Though some folk love the idea of being a carer in love: mostly women though – so you've got that advantage over me!<br /><br />Truth is we'll probably see out the lot of them – if strength of will has anything to do with it!<br /><br /><i>I'm a tragic figure. My name, Triste-ram, means sadness. </i><br />Tristram was such a Drama Queen!JoeMhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03821025539339799036noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9193316819499446317.post-1627697722997497102015-04-20T14:02:44.577+02:002015-04-20T14:02:44.577+02:00Hey Joe... everything just builds up, and of cours... Hey Joe... everything just builds up, and of course, when you first begin injecting it takes literally seconds to get a vein. It is only years later when it get horrendously difficult and messy. No, it's not a part of the process and enjoying the effect more becasue of the pains it took to get it. The time it takes is extremlely frustrating and leaves you murderous with rage when it's not working. It's not a pleasure in any way. In fact, the only time i ever considered completely stopping was when it was taking 4hrs to get each fix. I was falling into illness and withdrawals when i had money and junk but couldn't get it in my system. <br /><br />Well I hated and was terrified of injecting for many years and didn't think i could do it. But once you start getting so ill and realise you are not going to quit, then it becomes easy to take that step. And once you do, and it is so quick and painless... often doesn't even bleed when you withdraw the needle, it becomes such a small thing. Like anything, if we're exposed to it often enough we become desensitized and as we see in everything from horror movies to war, once we are desensitized it's easy to do monstrous things in its wake. Just the only seem monstrous to the onlookers.<br /><br />An oversized heart and mis-matched deformed lungs!Not the best chat-up line in the world, Mr. Mills! It sounds as if you'll end up as lonely as me... and just as unhealthy. We may have to pool our bad lots and have twice as much misfortune together. Which reminds me of a line from WFJ:<br /><br /><i> “How did Luke die? Was it a terrible car accident where his head got pushed right down into his chest cavity and a broken rib punctured his lung? Young people normally die like that. Something really macabre. Is that how Luke went?” <br /> John kinda woke from his state of arousal and slowly turned his head. For the first time I saw that look in his face that wondered “Who the fuck is this guy?” and “Is he dangerous?”<br /> “You mean you REALLY didn't know him? I thought you was joking!”<br /> “Oh, It was no joke. I'm a tragic figure. My name, Triste-ram, means sadness. Now, would you like me to put my fist in your arse?”<br /> John gave me a look so curious that I've never seen one like it since. Then he rolled over onto his back and parted his legs wide. He looked like a beetle on its back. “Cancer,” he moaned, scrunching his eyes up and pulling a face like he was in pain, “it runs in the family.”<br /> “Coronary heart disease, flatulence, and water retention for me,” I said. “What a wonderful future we have!”</i><br /><br />XShane Levenehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03863320007737754609noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9193316819499446317.post-29941188539485922132015-04-20T10:25:28.854+02:002015-04-20T10:25:28.854+02:00Hey Bella from the US of A... welcome and thanks f...Hey Bella from the US of A... welcome and thanks for your words! X <br /><br />I'll stick to your second little comment, Me darlin'... the 'cool stakes of self-destruction'. Let's get things straight: I only know and can write of such myths and nonsense because i've done it myself. When you're young you do kinda get off on how unhappy you can be and how much you don't want to live. That said, most addicts who peddle the self-destruction myth (and most do) are not young but supposedly mature adults. Heroin addiction isn't self-destructive... it's the opposite. We use for self-preservation. We are not courting death but courting life (bt that isn't cool to say). Though f we look at what heroin does and why people use it becomes abundantly clear that what i'm saying is correct. People use heroin to numb pain... to numb life to a point where it is acceptable. So if you're using heroin so as life is bearable, then it means that you want to live... you want a life that you can appreciate and enjoy. That isn't self-destructive. If they were self-destructive they'd not use heroin and let whatever trauma or grief completely consume them. Yes, heroin addiction damages the body, and intravenous addiction really damages the body, but that again just shows how desperate someone's desire is to live. It is so desperate that in order to live they will risk killing themselves. <br /><br />Many addicts often go on about myths and stereotypes, but they're often the worst perpetrators. Only they don't mind pushing certain myths that will earn them some 'cool chips'and maybe a split of a bed with some passionate company. As lonely as I am here I may have to start doing the same! XShane Levenehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03863320007737754609noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9193316819499446317.post-9585607344352282015-04-20T09:59:23.458+02:002015-04-20T09:59:23.458+02:00Hey Esmé... oh, I've never shot blanks. for me...Hey Esmé... oh, I've never shot blanks. for me shooting water would be so disappointing that it'd wind me up further. Most addicts who do that have a needle fixation and that is the real reason behind it rather than using water as a kind of placebo in place of having no smack. What I did was not take an injection but just sat there ramming the needle into myself so as I'd get obvious track marks. It's pathetic but it is a part of it, especially when addicts are younger and want to advertise their use of such a taboo drug.<br /><br />Home surgery. Yes, it does happen often amongst addicts (and you'll hear many addicts talking about how there like doctors and chemists, etc) but it is not really the fact that they're addicts which is the cause. There are a few reasons:<br /><br />When you are constantly taking injections... when you can do it better than trained medical staff, after you've come up against every bruise and lump and weird reaction from the body, you become something of an expert of your own body and see it in a new light. Progressively, as we go through all the problems which injecting can bring about, gradually learning how best to take care of them, how to look after and heal an abscess... having veins explode and hitting nerves... you do become something of your own medical carer and things which would normally have others rushing to hospital, you deal with yourself. I've extracted three of my own teeth, drained huge abscesses and looked after them (abscesses which could lead to amputation if they get infected). I've reset my own broken bones. but being overly familiar with your own body and certain reoccurring problems is just one reason why self-surgery becomes an easy next step. Also, because of the addiction we often avoid hospitals and doctors (unless we're dragged or stretchered there) and so you take care of all these things and only get medical attention if they really get out of control. I guess in the US, with the private healthcare, the addicts, having spent every penny on dope just have no real choice and so are kinda forced in to doing self-surgery. But no, there's nothing inherent in the addict himself. Before heroin we didn't really do that.. we would go to the doctor or dentist. So it's to do with circumstance and acquired knowledge, and once you've successfully extracted one tooth or cured one abscess, they the next time you don't even consider a medical help as you know you can look after it yourself. XShane Levenehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03863320007737754609noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9193316819499446317.post-1407567002405669162015-04-20T03:30:34.269+02:002015-04-20T03:30:34.269+02:00My God if I ever thought of taking up Heroin this ...My God if I ever thought of taking up Heroin this would really freeze me in my tracks (as t'were). Too much like hard work!<br /><br />Maybe that's part of the thing – you have to feel you've worked for the high: all that vein-chasing palaver and all the scoring back and forth before it. <br /><br />Which ties in with Esmé's home surgery comment. I can see the reasons why it might be necessary but it sometimes seems a tad masochistic too. <br /><br />I just open the bottle and pour the wine, Cointreau, Malibu – feels soooo decadent dahling! <br /><br /><i>Soon there are no big veins left at all and you are obliged to go in the body blind and deep.</i> <br /><br />Yikes!<br /><br />I don't think I'd be good at needling myself even though I've never been squeamish of needles. I recently had loads of tests in hospitals - CAT scans, bone scans, X. Rays, and blood tests. Lots of blood tests. They found I had a kidney stone (small), too much Calcium in the blood (which may be to do with an over-active Thyroid for which I might need an op but will try to avoid) and - this is the point, given what you say here: <br /> <br /><i>With the main veins all gone the blood circulation must take a different route around the body</i> -<br /> <br />I have this congenital heart condition called Scimitar Syndrome, which causes the blood not to flow up and round the lungs but only some of it – the rest just goes back down or along some other route or something. I always knew I had a heart murmur because I always get breathless after little exertion, but knowing I have an enlarged heart and that one lung is smaller than normal sort of makes the grave seem a lot closer.<br /><br />Aren't I morbid!?<br /><br />Brilliant title.<br /><br />And perfect last line.JoeMhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03821025539339799036noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9193316819499446317.post-36665871469618159332015-04-20T01:49:19.737+02:002015-04-20T01:49:19.737+02:00P.S. the fact that you try to bust the myth that &...P.S. the fact that you try to bust the myth that "drug addicts are self-destructive" and aren't all depressed and glamorizing of your addiction really sits well with me. I feel like people that talk like that think they are really "cool" for their addiction, and I really doubt their addictive status - in my opinion, having a true addiction to something, especially with the looming fright of dope sickness always a day away, really takes that mythical rebelliousness some users like to boast of out of it. I'm a misanthrope and I really hate how certain people try to place themselves into that stereotype if they use, because it perpetuates the myth that drugs need to be eradicated, as people only use them for death, self-destruction, and to rebel, rather than legitimate mental health reasons (I consider my opiate use an anti-depressant, as I stated before).<br /><br />Again, with much love, and don't jab too many veins as I will sorely miss your writings,<br />Bella xxxBellanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9193316819499446317.post-65920361209916225702015-04-20T01:40:19.723+02:002015-04-20T01:40:19.723+02:00Hi Shane,
I've been reading your blog since Ja...Hi Shane,<br />I've been reading your blog since January, when I found it after coming back from a trip to Hawaii. I somehow managed to sneak particular items on the plane so I wasn't sick, but when I got back I couldn't find these particular items - which is when I bought H for the first of only two times I have ever done it. Like you say in other posts (I think I've read them all, now!) I wasn't immediately impressed and certain, er, legal things happened to the dealer which scared me off. I'm a college student, so if I did try to buy that kind of stuff from someone in my town again I know all my friends would know and would panic and probably tell my relatives, which is no bueno.<br />Anyway, I'm an opiate addict, but with pills. Before finding your blog I was really ashamed of it, and the people around me made me feel like a dirty junkie for it (even though, as per your definition, I'm an addict, NOT a junkie). However, since reading your writings, I've felt ten times better about myself and I am not nearly as depressed as I used to be, and I realize the ridiculousness of it that I'm not able to buy and/or be prescribed what I consider to be my antidepressant. I'm a wonderful student, I have friends, a life, I'm a functional addict and I rarely take enough to "nod" - just to fill up that black space in my head that makes me so depressed I do not want to move. I'm going to have to quit very soon, though, as I'm graduating and I will only be able to get a much lesser degree of what I need after my connects bounce. I also want to move to Hawaii, so I have to be clean to do that!<br />This particular post I couldn't finish. I actually hate needles and medical things and blood, and I can't imagine how frustrating it must be for you to have "gear" (I'd call it dope, although I like the name "gear) and not be able to feel it! I usually snort or pop my pills.<br />Anyway, I love your writing and, coming from a student of literature, I really think that your blogs should be published. In fact, I'm pretty enamored with your work. I'm planning on buying a painting (hopefully soon) and I will treasure it because of not only how amazing your artistic work is, but also because you helped me realize that the myths surrounding opiate use are wildly overblown and demonizing people that use them is wrong and untrue. <br />I've never posted before, so here's my hello, and sincere THANKS!!<br /><br />With love (as in, I think a little bit of me is in love with you even though you're older and I have my own drug-addicted lover already, although is thing is Pot and booze) Bella from the US of A xxxBellanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9193316819499446317.post-26214192261845422582015-04-19T23:11:47.685+02:002015-04-19T23:11:47.685+02:00Hello, I've always found the bit about shootin...Hello, I've always found the bit about shooting blanks interesting. A friend of mine who is an addict does this constantly with insulin needles filled with water, even when it is hell to find a vein, a situation you've well described here! I think I get it. In other types of addiction, there's "past-timing," which is roundly forbidden in various recovery circles, but which nonetheless is engaged in constantly. I guess shooting blanks is just another, more visceral form of this? Also, given all your body goes through to get a hit, as you've described here, I wanted to ask something else: Do heroin addicts have a particular propensity for home surgeries? I've seen and read abut countless things done at home to deal with anything from tooth problems to tattoo removal, and even the cutting away of necrotic flesh. So is it a consequence of the regular use of heroin, these home surgeries, or do you think it's something already in the heroin addict's behavioral traits that steers them to these type of home medical interventions? Thanks very much! Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com