Heroin Addicts Vs Junkies - A request.

Yes I do requests... hows a Heroinhead to survive if he doesn’t turn a few tricks now and again? This one’s for Lou over at http://brokenheartedmom.blogspot.com/ .


The Heroin Addict Vs The Junkie*

Within heroin culture there are myriads of different people one will encounter, and as with many other parts of society these groups tend to stick together. There are smokers, snorters and shooters, those that snowball and those who wash their smack down with downers and booze. There are the depressed, the oppressed and the repressed, the mentally ill and the mentally sane. There are the young, the old,  the dead and the dying. We are all in one house and we are all junkheads. We all crave the same drug and we all double up in illness when it comes a knockin'. But some of us accept that illness before others. Some of us do not break certain rules, and some of us are lucky enough not to need to. We are all dope fiends but we are not all junkies. In this post I will try to explain the difference.

I will start by saying that I am a heroin addict. I am not a junkie and never have been. I have crossed that road and I’ve assisted in it, but I have never taken it. There are many things I am just not willing to do for a bag. In contrast, my father was and many of my friends are junkies... out and out. When you’re in their company you’d do well to glue your shoes to your feet and padlock your trouser closed, because if there’s anything that can be stolen and sold, it will be.

A junkie is noticeable. He/she is the visible side of heroin addiction. The junkies habit is out of control and has led to a certain lifestyle. This lifestyle is of cheating, lying and stealing to get their dope money. A junkie scores on a day to day basis and from waking up doesn't quite know where that days drug money is coming from. He is open to most ideas, starting small and getting progressively more desperate as the day wears on. The point when he retires and accepts withdrawal is when he is sick. Until that point almost anything goes. The junkie is the scruffy, unkempt jack-the-lad that will wish you well as you leave on a shopping trip and then scramble up your drainpipe and in your window as soon as you turn off the street. He will ask you for money and if you refuse he will steal it. If you do lend it to him you can be sure you’ll never see it again. If you do it will be a symbolic gesture: “I have your money... but can I borrow it again until next Tuesday?” Next Tuesday? Well, we all know Tuesday never comes.
But junkies are not bad people, they are the creation of an addiction that has gotten out of control. Being a junkie is an economic problem, not a fashion statement. Not one junkie I know enjoys thieving, and all have a conscience. If they could fund their addictions without resorting to theft or underhand activities they would. No-one enjoys that kind of pressure and the last thing a heroin addict needs for a bad day is an arrest, or the police knocking down their door. When people talk of losing a loved one to heroin they are in fact referring to the junkie lifestyle.

In contrast to the junkie is his cousin: the 'stable heroin addict'. Stable heroin addicts are almost undetectable (unless you live with one). As long as they have their drugs they will perform and remain a valuable asset to society. They will work and pay taxes, do their shopping and pay their rent. They will hold intelligent conversation and will give you their undivided attention. The heroin addicts priority is in planning their addiction, in making sure they have their dope well in advance and not scored on a faily basis. They are able to buy bulk and ration properly. If funds are tight they will adapt their usage to that. Your Director, bank-manager or author of your favourite blog may be a stable heroin addict... you just wouldn’t know.

I am sometimes guilty of joking around this subject, but there is a real serious side to this distinction. Because junkies have a hard time supplying their habits they will often be using other opiates or downers and alcohol. Downers, anti-depressants and booze on top of heroin are lethal.  Between 90-95% of all fatal overdoses are due to a concoction of drugs. The junkie runs a much higher risk of heroin death than the stable addict. Junkies also run an increased risk of contracting HIV and/or hepatitis. They are often in the position where they have to share equipment. Not so much needles, but spoons and water and citric and filters. The reason why heroin is shared in the spoon and not divided by hand is that  former is an exact division (sucked up in milligrams) and the latter a division by eye. When done by sight, each party always thinks they’ve had the bad deal. So for peace of mind, its all into the spoon and then everyone draws up equal amounts of equally diluted smack. That's how it works. But in that draw, all it takes is one infected needle, one microscopic bacteria, and everyone is playing Russian Roulette. The junkie walks a fine line each day,  and it is one that I couldn’t keep my balance on.

As this post was from a request by Lou, it is only fair the last paragraph is about her.

Lou has a junkie son. He is called Andrew. Unfortunately Andrew is ‘out of bounds’ at the moment. Lou has experienced the lot: the lies, the scams, the stolen money and missing jewellery. She’s had her car stolen, her bedroom ransacked and probably her video recorder pinched. She’s had the early morning police calls and the bail charges. Her son Andrew made a road trip of US prisons and then went back for more. He has been in and out of rehab and jail for a long time. Lou loves Andrew, but Lou thinks she has lost her son. She has, but not forever. I tell Lou this whenever I can. I have to, because if Andrew is lost then so am I.

Keep heart Lou... It was never your fault.

Shane. X

Ps: Andrew's release date is in 239 days 1 hour and 10 minutes. If that doesn't seem long imagine being Lou, and if it still doesn't seem long try being Andrew.

*The word 'junky' was coined at the beginning of the 20th century and used to describe New York addicts who scoured the rubbish dumps and vacant lots looking for scrap metal they could sell in order to get the money for their next shot.

72 comments:

sKILLz said...

I visit Lou's blog often and I LOVE her. I also talk with her by emails and she's a really cool person.

I must say that I enjoyed this post very much and I think you nailed it.

There is a BIG difference between a addict and a junkie. A addict can keep a job, and somewhat function a life.

A junkie on the other hand can't keep a job, always has the next fix on there mind and will do just about anything to get it.
Not to say that a addict won't do things that a junkie will do to get money, just saying a junkie will act quicker without thinking then a addict.
Addicts come in many forms, a housewife can be a addict to pain pills, a addict could be a husband who is addicted to sex.

A junkie is a person that will go over that fine line, and do whatever it takes to get there fix.
A junkie doesn't try to hide that fact that they are addicted, they will hustle anyone and not care of the repercussions that come along with it.

I know that I might not be stating it very clearly in this post so I might make my own blog post to make it more clearer to anyone who is not understanding your blog post or what I'm trying to get across.
Stay Up!

Barbara(aka Layla) said...

I love Lou too! She's someone I look up to and learn from and I can feel the compassion and wisdom and strength and vulnerability she has through her words. I can also tell how much she loves Andrew.

Thanks for defining the difference between the addict and the junkie. I've been spending a lot of time with an ex-junkie lately and the stories he shares are mind boggling. He got into bank robbery to support his habit, in and out of prison, etc. Finally stopped when his arm was about to be amputated, but they saved the arm (its gross to look at but it works) and he quit.

Now may I ask a question of you?

Is my friend above a junkie or an ex junkie? He first started slamming 35 years ago and the longest he's ever gone without it is 4 years. He had a successful business or job and then for some reason would go on a binge and use for a few weeks then have to start the process all over...

I think he was also addicted to methadone at one time...I'm not sure how that works. Right now he has 18 months clean and wants to talk to my son and try to help him....but my fear is my son will offer him some and he will go for it!

I don't think my son is an addict or a junkie yet, he's somewhere in the middle if that's possible. He tested positive for cocaine and heroin this morning :(

Thanks, Shane, you're writing is magnificent.

Syd said...

Thanks for explaining Shane. I never thought about the difference to be honest.

SCOTT said...

I have read much fiction that concerns junkies and heroin-addicts. however i have never considered the heavy differences between them. authors such as welsh, davies and selby jr have never portrayed these points. maybe their understanding is much more limited than i first thought. thanks for pointing out these differences.

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

sKILLz,

Hiya My Brooklyn Homie!! lol

Yeah, you should write a post yourself... I'm sure there are things I left out or points that aren't so clear.

Also you're correct, a heroin addict can also cross the line when absolutely desperate... I wouldn't leave my wallet out of sight in the compny of any de speate addict... not even me!! ;)

Take care sKILLz... Love to the Dogs!! x

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

Hiya Barbara,

Sorry about your son... don't fret too much as it's probably gonna be a bit of a rollercoaster if he's using or not. Just as you gain hope... BANG! A dirty urine. I know nyou will fret... you're his mother.

Junkies tell great stories... I'll give you that. When I go out scoring i'm always interviewing hem... half think I'm the police!! Worse... I'm a blogger! ;)

If you're friends not using he's an ex-junkie. I do't go for he thought junkie once junkie for life... It sounds good, and I understand that saying, but I've seen enough people kick for good to know it's not the case.

My concern is that it is very difficult for an ex-addict to be around dope... even knowing it may be upstairs. So I hope that doesn't affect him. I doubt your friend and son will start using together... of course it's possible, but your son will never quite know what your friends intentions are, so will probably go on his own way.

Methadone is a heroin substitute. It is the main substitute for injecting addicts. Methadone doesn't have a stereotypical opiate effect (it doesn't make one very drowsy). It is more of an upper and stops the addict from being dope sick and allows him to function. Most addicts have also been addicted to methadone... I am addicted to both.

But methadone has been a huge failure in treating heroin addiction because it is so far from heroin. It stops the addict from feeling physically sick but does nothing for the psychological addiction nor for the anti-depressive qualities that are derived from heroin.

My advice would be not to let your friend talk to your son... no good can come of that. Your son will take advice from no-one... certainly not an ex-addict with 35 years of use behind him... it would just seem hypocritical. (Thats not me being horrible.. just how I would see it if I were your boy).

There is a midway stage between using and being an addict.. where that stage is is very hard to fathom. I'm writing a post now explaining the first night I became aware i was an addict & the shock and fright it gave me.Up until that point I didn't know.

Hope that answers everything... as ever just mail me if you need anything else.

TC Babara... Shane. x

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

Syd,

Thanks again, my friend. I never knew there was a difference until I become an addict myself. I would go out to score and meet doctors, lawyers, computer technicians... artists, etc. They are the minority, don't think there is a huge problem with heroin and the professional classes - there isn't. But it exists, and there are many that manage to keep heroin under control. It normally comes back to resources rather than smartness... if you've the money addictuon is much different.

Thanks for your comment... and you take care, Shane.

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

Scott,

hanks for your comment... hope all's well in the land of Oz.

I can only talk about Welsh, as I've not read the other two. On first sight Welsh seems to know what he's talking about... he probably does but from an outsiders point of view. Where Welsh falls down is describing dope sickness, and it is here I suspect he's never had a problem himself.

Welsh seems to think sickness comes on within half an hour of the last fix... it's not. 8 - 16 hours in my experience. 24 hours to be fully ill. Most addicts take an injection about every 4 hours.

Heroin is a good place for writers because you can get into the underbelly of society. The problem is, it is too easy to turn the unknown into fantasy.

read Junky by Burroughs. It's dated, but it is surprising just how little things have changed. The only real difference is the way of scoring. Burroughs was trawling the city.. searching shooting galleries. It's not like that anymore. Now, it's a quick phone call and an even quicker meeting. Burroughs really was an addict and you can tell in every description he offers... it's unmistakeable.

Take care Scott & BW, Shane.

Lou said...

Shane, thank you for the link and thank you for the understanding. Of course, you DO understand.

I also encourage Barbara not to let her friend "mentor" her son. You are correct, no good will come of that. And I would urge her (kindly) to not call someone who just today tested + for coke & heroin an "ex" junky. He is using.

Yes, Andrew, is a junky. He uses once, and he is on a run, till illness or jail stops him. I've known that for awhile. Deep inside, I feel he is not done yet.
The difference for me today is I know my life is separate from his.
I love him, but his demons are his own. If and when he finds the inner strength to kick for good, I will be right where he left me.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Shane,
You have outdone yourself with this post. I really think you need to write a book. I'd line up to buy it.

This post was very illuminating. I hope it's okay, I'm going to post a link to this entry in my blog. I think it is important that people read it in order to understand.

You are such a kind, compassionate, sweet soul. You knock me out. I consider you one of the nicest friends I have that I've never met.

Anonymous said...

Sorry but I disagree. Every chipper of any hard drug I know has ended up binging and ruining their life to some extent, evetually. Of course everyone is different but to say an addict cant or isnt a junkie is just delusional. Sure its a nice way to hope you can not destroy parts of your life or end up binging but reality is always a bitch. Ive known people who chipped for decades and then due to something or nothing they went down the rabbit hole and would emerge either in a couple weeks or years. I agree that everyone is different and at different stages. but if your using hard drugs you will abuse them eventually. Its the human condition, Im sure you have binged and have lost and hurt parts of your life. Whether that was relationships or your lifestyle-work, home, savings or property..
Dont get me wrong I think Opiates are great and can be used in some forms without abuse with great success (e.g. Ultram). But to think some people are immune to abuse of hard opiates is simply inane and self deluding. I don't wish you any ill but if you are intelligent you wouldn't be trying to fool yourself. I can relate to your desire to seek a way to self medicate and found that in H. Even if you can function in public and live in seclusion by yourself with enough money to support your habit. Eventually you will simply give in to the desire to completely lose yourself in H's grip. A million different reasons or none can be the impetus but like I said you are simply fooling yourself to think you have 'control' over H. It simply isn't biologicaly possible. Everytime you take H, H is the one in control. By choosing to dose you are giving the chemical carte blanche control over yourself. You can have small binges, long binges or chip for years even decades until you have a serious binge. Fact is one doesnt live long on a long term bender, physically not possible. So the fact that you are alive is testament that you havent binges to badly if at all. The question is do you really think you cant or wont ever become a junkie using H? The reason why there are more chippers than bingers is simply due to math. Bingers can only binge for so long until something stops them (death, prison, suicide ..) Chippers can chip for much longer and that is why there are more of them around for longer. Most chippers eventually end up binging the binge that ends it all one way or another. I knew a prof at a top law university who used infrequently for most of his life. When he finally did give in to take more than he should've he had a cardiac arrest he was quite old at that time and had chipped for over 50 years successfully. But when he gave in that one time and did more than his body could handle he had a serious medical problem and after that was never the same. So yeah sure chippers are plentiful and arent acting like junkies but the line between the two is quite thin and easily crossed. Sometimes people go back and forth also from binging and chipping and even sobriety. So I agree no two users are ever the same. But that is too obvious as any two people are never the same. The reason a user uses eventually leads them possibly, never or sometime down the road to use just a bit too much over and over until that is all they want and become a junkie. I rather dont like labels instead i use decriptions of what a person is currently doing. a h user can be clean, using at different intervals or completely lost. the question isnt what are you but what are you right now. This state can change for many and for others be long term. So the label of junkie or addict means nothing to me except as entertainment. Most users who dont die eventually grow up and realize they want to live and not just be alive. This can take a few months, years or decades. Point is everyone is different.
I do agree about the OD miscategory and that an OD can be avoided by proper dosing. At the same time when you buy from the street it is quite hard to know the proper dose or what it is. I do agree it isn't as easy as many think to OD from clean h. I knew a 48 yr old who ODed recently. He hadn't done anything in a real long time. He got his hands by chance on lots, lots of high quality H. Basically due to curiosity, his advanced age and a recent cancer diagnosis, he tried some, liked it then immediately did even more until he literally passed out and stopped breathing. So, it wasn't the stuff or his dosing it was simply that he was a newbie who when high lost control. I know it is shocking that when someone is that incredily high they would lose control and not make good decisions, not.

Anonymous said...

methadone is old, if u really want to quit suboxone is the new miracle drug that really works. For many reasons, including that on Sub you can't use H, it blocks receptors. Most recovering addicts nowadays who really want to quit use Sub and many succeed.

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

Anonymous,

thanks for your comment... but it has nothing to do with anything I have written. You've not read the words or the blog... if you have, I think you need to go to an optician.

"Every chipper of any hard drug I know has ended up binging and ruining their life to some extent, evetually."

I agree with this & i've never said the contrary. I always state heroin is a slow death...it's a slow suicide.

" addict cant or isnt a junkie is just delusional."

Two completely different things... a 'stable addict' isn't a junkie, but we are all addicts. The difference is in the lifestyle not in the act. I think you missed that.

"But to think some people are immune to abuse of hard opiates is simply inane and self deluding."

I don't know where you have read this... it is not on this blog. Can you please copy and pastewhere I say anyoneis immune to adiction.On the contrary I always state NO-ONE IS IMMUNE TO ADDICTION. What have you been reading???

"Eventually you will simply give in to the desire to completely lose yourself in H's grip"

I have been in it's grip for 10 years... that's what the blogs about. Lost.. No.

"Fact is one doesnt live long on a long term bender, physically not possible"

Recheck your facts. It's in thge administration and NOT the drug that does the damage.

"The question is do you really think you cant or wont ever become a junkie using H?"

WTF...every other paragraph mentions my addiction. Are you stoned or drunk?? lol

Even if I disagree, thank you for your comment (& I mean that), you've obviously taken a bit of time to write it. I really think you should reread the post and the blog as you've completely misunderstood what's written. It's very clear what's written, so I know it's not me.

Your writing is very familiar... makes me think of someone.

Anyway take care... and maybe we'll have a more adult discussion later.

All the best & TC, Shane.

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

Sarcastic Bastard,

Thanks for your compliment... they always mean a lot.

OF COURSE you can link to my post... youcan even copy and paste bits if you want. Any follower on this blog can use it as they please... that's our priviledge.

As for a book... I've just set up another blog and am posting extracts from a book I've written. You can link to it in the side bar.

Hope you're well over there... all's good this end. Take Care SB, Shane.

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

Lou, you're right. You can't accept responsibility for someone else's actions... he's a grown man.

I think barbara was referring to her friend (who's been clean for 18months) as the ex-addict, not her son.

Hope your arms faring well... I forget tomention you was in plaster at the moments. Thoughwillit stopyou eating Easter Eggs???? I doubt it!! lol

TC, Lou... Shane. x

AnnaGrace said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Kat said...

Wonderful post.

From an (ex)junkie,

Kat

AnnaGrace said...

Quit true. Heroinhead's and Junkies...yes there is a different. Money is what I believe keeps a Heroin addict from becoming a full on junky.

Even after having lived both the lifestyle of addict, and junky, I find the life of an addict is much more fun...as long as your tolerance is low, and you can afford to buy in advance.

As a full blown junky all you do is back stab, hurt the ones you love, and usually find yourself in jail, inpatient detox and rehab, or on Methadone treatment. These things are not glamours, and suck ass.

I just want to say, I love William S. Burroughs, and the word junky is a glamours word for me. Heroin Head just doesn't suite me, it suites you well though.

I'd prefer to be called a junky.

So I agree there are varying degrees of opiate addiction, but I like the general term junky.

It seems everyone who has been addicted to opiates has known the difference between addict and junky, but they just couldn't put into terms the average person could understand. You have a great ability to do that, and that is why you have 90 some followers.

Stay safe, and remember the line is thin, so thin its almost not there.

Anna Grace
XX

Memoirs from The Black House said...

Hiya Anna,

Thanks for your comment. The line is thin alright and I have crossed it a few times. It was in my first year of addiction right at the point where I realised I was an addict.

After a month of constant using I had spent all my money & thought "oh well... I'll have to wait till I get paid. No big deal."

Well it was a big deal, because later that evening I started feeling terrible... I didn't know what it was but I knew I needed H. I had heard friends talk about junk sickness but I thought it was all psychological. By 10pm I was at my mums begging for money (this was millenium night btw). After this I realised I needed it everyday... I was an addict. For the first two months I lived like a junkie (thats why I can speak of hat as well... I understand it). I didn't steal, but I keep watch and sold stolen goods. I borrowed and disapeared. I used up every excuse I could to get money.

It's easy at first, because people have known you for years and they know if YOU ask for money you must REALLY need it. Once your friends and family realise that you're coming back every week with another excuse, the generosity soon wears off. So yes, you're right it's a very thin line.

On the point of immunity it depends how you use. You're immunity will always rise but not always to the point where you can't feel it.

Because I worked I had a shot first thing... and then went 8+ hours before the next. In the evening I took 2-3 shots (rarely more). In this way you still feel it... I still feel a shot now and nod just as heavy. Most the addicts I know that have been long-term users get no effect, but they shoot every 2 hours - if that. It's a matter of restraint. I think if I hadn't worked all my life I would be the same... but working at least got me into a regime that I've never gotten out of. Also, I've never been rich, just careful... I planned what I could afford & stuck to it.

Hope you're well Anna... bzst wishes Shane. x

PS: Tindersticks won't mail across, sorry!

PPS: Have you visited my new blog... extracts from a book I've written.

Mantramine said...

That was great - I am always trying to find ways to explain that my husband isn't a 'junkie' junkie...

it was good to read that. Thanks for writing it and thanks to Lou for sharing your link. Nice to meet you.

Poetic Genesis said...

Hey Shane

Thanks for sharing. I've always known the difference...living in the hood has it's privileges :)~, but I really love the way you explained it.

I also did an internship at a program for women with drug addictions and it was quite evident who the addicts were and who the junkies were. The one thing I learned from that experience is that I couldn't go into the field of addiction. Not because of the harsh realities of addiction, but rather I would question how much of an impact I would make. Understanding what I understand, I know it takes a lot more than treatment to help an addict or junkie. There's some self-motivation that I'd have no control over and a great deal of patience, persistence, and creating personal boundaries that I'd have a problem with.

Not to mention, I've always wondered how effective sitting in a group discussing the very thing people are trying to get away from would be.

I'm just rambling, but your post brought up lots of memories for me.

Thanks for the thoughts!

And Lou, although I don't know you, you'll be in my prayers. I know how hard it is for you and your son. Keep pushing, sweets!

Genesis

Findon said...

Hi. Lou sent me over and I like your posts. Hopefully we'll see more of each other as the days grow. Have a good easter. Findon

Annette said...

Lou referred me to your blog. Great stuff. Love the clarification. Very enlightening. Thanks for sharing.

fatal flaw said...

Shane
Hi
Wonderful post.
Clearly there is a diffrence between a Junkie and a Addict as you decribe them. But I wanna evidence that fom a diffrent perspective, that's from the perspective of someone who is getting to know you. In your replies to people who post on your page and in posts to my blogs your humanity, humility and love for people shine strong. Your ability to understand and care for others and me is something rare. Maybe another diffrence between a junkie and an addict, is that a junkies life is so confused and disorganised they have no emotional space or physical resources for other people, you, my friend, on the hand do and I thank you with all my love for that.
Nick

Memoirs from The Black House said...

Mantramine,

Firstly, thanks for the input and reading the post.

Yes, it's difficult trying t explain to people that your loved one uses but is not 'out of control'. Everyne thinks you are in denial and defending their actions. But n, heroin addiction can be stable if it's dealt with prperly. Look at cancer victims wh are on long-term morphine treatment... they are heroin addicts. But it is administered properly and they always have their medication. They don't go ff the rails or start missing their hospital appointments... they don't stop washing. If the addiction is kept under control it doesn't have t be any thing other than a persnal problem.

Take care & I hope all goes well for you in this time.

BW, Shane.

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

Hey Poetic Genius!!!

As always thanks for you comment.

Yes, the field of addiction is very difficult and unrewarding for the social worker. It is all one way... and there is not really anything that can be done to help the addict. Ok, there is support, but as you say the drug worker has to keep a professional distance and the addict usually wants more than that. It must be really frustrating.

"Not to mention, I've always wondered how effective sitting in a group discussing the very thing people are trying to get away from would be."

You're right & what's more bizarre is acupuncture treatment for injecting addicts (I'm NOT joking... though I'm laughing) lol Imagine that... a grup discussion about heroin and then all downstairs to have needles stuck in you!!! Really! ;)

Anyway, now i'm rambling...

Take care Genesis & have a nice Easter. Shane.

I'm just rambling, but your post brought up lots of memories for me.

Thanks for the thoughts!

And Lou, although I don't know you, you'll be in my prayers. I know how hard it is for you and your son. Keep pushing, sweets!

Genesis

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

Findon,

Thanks for coming across (I'll thank Lou when we speak) & thanks for commenting.

Yes, hopefully over the weeks/months we'll strike up a good friendship.

Happy easter, Shane.

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

Annette,

Anytime... & thanks for the follow & the comment.

BW and Happy Easter, Shane.

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

Nick,

"...is that a junkies life is so confused and disorganised they have no emotional space or physical resources for other people."

You're dead right there... you've read into the difference very well. I will edit my post to include that thought... You see, I don't know it all!! ;)

Take care My Friend, Shane. x

Anonymous said...

Heroin Cheaper than 6 pack of beer

http://amfix.blogs.cnn.com/2009/04/13/heroin-cheaper-than-beer/

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

Anonymous,

I know... & where I come from it is cheaper than smoking 40 cigs a day. Surprising, hey?

Take care, Shane.

Anonymous said...

Wow, how much do your cigs cost? We buy from the Res (Indians-tax free). Can even buy them online from the Res. most with free shipping in bulk.
D-town H is about to get a new infusion of the 'Magic.' Im getting an early free sample, make sure its clean. A little while back when the white came i think like over 200 suckers died-it was fentanyl.
http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/45890.php
D stuff is currently brown tan powder or rock. There was some top white last summer, that stuff was silly, its summer again soon...
If you get lotto tix then it has been cut by your guy usually with footballs (1mg zanies) still ok but not as strong. If not local cut then about 40-60% pure, cut closer to 20% or less.
<:]>

debbi.radford@phoenix.gov said...

Shane:

Just wanted to give your writing skills another shout out! Your blogs are appreciated. I have not forgotten the promised e-mail re: said missing person. Look for it sometime this week. Blessings...

Debbi

Athena said...

Wow - this post was really something that gave me pause - but makes sense... (Not the part about Lou, she is great and look where she leads me - smile)

My daughter, alas, is a junky... of the two, I'd settle for just an addict, I guess - But really, I just wish there was a magic way for her to leave heroin behind... Thanks for your honesty

Eli said...

Yep, I've been an addict for my using career. Haven't lost my job or marriage or kids...yet. And it was a slow suicide, like you say. Even without slipping into junkie-hood, it was destroying me.

Longy said...

Another really interesting post Shane. Thanks mate.

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

Anonymous,

In London £8 a packet. 2 = £16

2 bags of heroin = £15, & 2 bags can support most junkies habit for the day.

People don't realise how cheap heroin is or how little is really needed.

BW, Shane.

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

Debbi,

Thanks for your visit & your comment & your compliment. They all mean so much.

A million thanks, Shane.

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

Athena,

Firstly, "Hiya!!!" and thanks for coming across.

Yeah, I know it's terribly difficult to have your child a slave to this drug... I wish there was something I could tell you about when your daughter may leave it behind.. but there isn't.

Just take heart that it's not your fault and that your blog is on the subject tells the world that you are a loving caring parent.

I hope all works out well... & you're right: an addicts better than a junkie, but the bebst is neither!

Take care and comment whenever you like. You can also send personal mails if you need any information or have any questions.

Shane.

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

Eli,

Another first time visitor and commenter, so firstly "Thank you!"
Yeah, what I've written and what you say, that's what it is. I still use and make no apologies, but I do not sing the drugs praises and I do not pretend it's harmless.

All my wishes, Shnae.

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

Longy,

As ever... THANK YOU, Mate!!

Melinda said...

Shane, I have been thinking about this post since I read it a few days ago.

I don't agree that there is a difference between being a junkie and being an addict. There may be different types of people who are junkies/addicts but I don't think that being a junkie or an addict is different in and of itself.

For example, I think some people who are addicted to heroin are not very nice people--they haven't much conscience and they think nothing of screwing other people over. There are certain types of sociopaths who are drawn to drug addiction because it makes them feel things, which they don't often feel (because of their psychological makeup).

Then there are other addicts, who are decent people who have certain values and morals that are always in place, regardless of whether they are using or not. Because of the type of person they are, others view them more kindly, treat them better, and they are likely to be able to not fall down quite as low as those who aren't as decent.

Whether you want to call it addiction or junkie-ism--it's no difference. Junkies/addicts are dependent upon a substance to make their lives whole and I don't think that is a healthy state.

To me (a recovering junkie of nearly 10 years), there is nothing finer than waking up in the morning and feeling truly good--without needing a fix to make myself 'well.' Everything became clearer, brighter, and more hopeful when I recovered from heroin addiction so I of course, wish that for all my friends who are still using.

Take care, Shane--

Melinda

Barbara(aka Layla) said...

Shane, thanks for your answer to my questions, this helped a lot. So far my friend has not talked to my son and I am glad you advised against it. I trust you. Its obvious that you know what you are talking about and instincts tell me you are right. Yes, life does feel like a rollercoaster.

Barbara

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

Hiya Melinda,

I'm very surprised by your comment... are you really saying there is NO lifestyle difference between a junkie and a stable heroin addict'? My post is very clear.. that is all I'm talking about. Maybe you've misread it???

There is a huge difference between a 'stable addicts' lifestyle & a 'Junkie'. I don't see tere's anything to disagree with. It's a bit bizarreyour comment.

We are all ADDICTS, there's no doubt there. I state that. 'Stable' is the important word you missed out.

Also, because you feel better doesn't mean everyone will. I'm happy as I am... and I always wonder would I rather be clean with Hepatitis or HIV or using but without any infliction.

I've so many people who tell me what you do... but when I look at them, and their health, well, I readinto it in a much different way. The people advising me to kick like they did, will be mostly all be dead soon, probably before me. Also, I don't see how it will make any difference to anyone else if I use or not??? If I say I'm happy why would someone want me tp be anything else??? To me, we must live our own lives & live whats best for us... that's it. If someone is happy why wish them change? I know why...but I'm not going into hat here.

"For example, I think some people who are addicted to heroin are not very nice people--they haven't much conscience and they think nothing of screwing other people over."

I can't agree. The grip of heroin is so strong it hugelyinfluences behaviour. You do not repeat the things you used to... no, you only done that for a certain reason. You are not inherently bad. For example, you didn't sell sex for fun... it was to support a habit. You don't do it now because your habit is finished. You didn't scoop up a dropped fix from a filthy toilet floor because you are an inherently disgusting person... you done this for a specific reason - heroin. Junkies will abandon their ethics for the drug... they are not bad people. I'm surprised with that statement. Especially from an ex-user.


"Whether you want to call it addiction or junkie-ism--it's no difference. Junkies/addicts are dependent upon a substance to make their lives whole and I don't think that is a healthy state. "

Again, addiction is addiction... it's the same. But the lifestyles are streets apart. Do many people live a healthy state? Cafeine... nicotine... sugar... fat... carbon monoxide... valium... prozac... beta blockers... alcohol. It doesn't matter what poison, they all affect the chemicals in the brain, i.e change our 'natural psychology'. People need to think of these things... and think of there own position before criticizing (I'm not speaking of you there.) Also, to have been an addict for years, heroin & coke have permanately effected the bvrain cells... that cannot be undone, not even by quitting. So even clean, your mindset is just as influenced by heroin as mine. We've irretrievable damaged ourselves with H. Clean or using.

I ended a recent post by saying "tomorrow I may be you." This was a question to people... would you really want me to be YOU??? I think if many think they have to answer "No." I certainly wouldn't want to be anyone else... I would keep my mind, my words and my habits.. every single time. I wouldn't swap that for anyone.

Thanks for you comment, M. Maybe you should read the post again... it is about LIFESTYLE & nothing else (& it'svery clear).

Take care & Best wishes as always, Shane.

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

Barbara, anytime!!! I will not be able to prevent anything your son does, but I will be able to explain his behaviours to you.

This can help in itself... just knowing why. many times the users actions will seem mysterious & unfathomable, but when you know addiction/usage it is normally quite simple.

I've spent ten years studying & observing addicts, and there's not much that will get past me.

So, anything you need just mail.. it's never a problem or hassle.

My best wishes, Shane. x

Sarcastic Bastard said...

We are anxiously awaiting your next blog entry, Shane. Get busy, buddy!

Have a great weekend. Hope all is well.

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

Uhhhh.... Pressure!!! LoL

SB, it'll be with you later today or tomorrow.

Take care, Shane.

Cathy said...

I'm not sure, are you convinced of these things Shane? If so, I'd like to talk to you in, say, 30 yrs. With my most sincerest respect, sir you are a young young man.

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

Hiya Cathy,

It's nothing to do with being convinced, i've LIVED these things... it happens. If you think every heroin addict is robbing, stealing, lying and cheating, you're a huge victim of media. There are two distinct users, and I know many of botrh kinds. I keep my company with stable addicts, all work, all have apartments... most ahve cars and families. If that surprises u=you it means you've only experienced the other side of junk.. but that's not all there is.

I was born around smack and I've been an addict fo 10 years. I've also been dying for 35 years, which is not very young. I will not be alive in another 30 years... it's impossible. I've done too much damage with the needle, but I don't need to be alive because I've already seen this.

You should explain what you find hard to believe and I'll be able to give you a better response. If you read th comments from the other addicts, they know very well what i'm talking about... it's the non-users who can't accept it, or the people who have only experience of the junkie.

What are people on methadone maintenance? They are stabilised addicts. Do they goi out robbing and stealing and lying and cheating for their methadone? No, because they have a constant supply and have no need to do that. So a heroin addict who has the money is also stabilized.. there's no difference.

many thanks for the comment... my best wishes, Shane. x

STEREODOG said...

I found your blog by mistake, believe it or not by following links from a google search of my 80s band.

I have become quite addicted to your words.

However, your semantic exercise is just that, I have been described (and described myself) as variously an addict and a junkie. I knew an american rich girl once who surfed the addict life so she could write about it, don't break my heart and tell me that is the game you have played.

Candy

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

Hiya Candy,

Thanks for reading and commenting and of course I'm not gonna break your heart. My ongoing heroin addiction is not a twisted literary exercise... i had huge problems in my life and found that smack helped. It's the same old story... I'm no different there. After a few years of addiction I did think: "God, one day I'll have to write properly about this... truthfully." But no, I never started just to be able to write of it... anyone who did do that, well... I'm not even going to go into the idiocy of that.

I've also described myself as a junkie and an addict - I do it in this blog. That is just to save me repeating the same noun over and over again, or to give a different feel. The point of this post was to say that not every addict is what you would imagine. There is a huge difference from a stable addict with his addiction funded and under as much control as possible, and an unstable addict (junkie) who lives up to many of the stereotypical ideas. We are all addicts... a junkie is something else within that, and we are not all junkies.

What band was you in? Let me know I'll check them out.. maybe i know them already?

Anyhow, thanks very much for your comment and time and input... My very best wishes, Shane.x

Anonymous said...

love this blog. ive been there i know... i was both. found this other blog whic looks lioke its gonna be interesting from the perspetive of a cop. http://streetunit.blogspot.com/

InLoveWithAJunkie said...

This was the most enlightening piece I have read regarding Heroin and I have spent the past week or so reading everything I can find.

I am not an addict or junkie, never tried it and never will. I am not a hypocrite, I have tried pot, cocaine, extasy and steroids but used them in moderation and quit years ago on my own. I don't understand pain pill addiction or heroin addiction or any type of addiction other than the one I am suffering from currently....I am in love (addicted) to my heroin junkie (yes after reading your description she is a junkie) girlfriend.

At first I suspected pills, I had no idea she was taking anything she could get her hands on including heroin. I made her come clean, there was no more hiding it. She had gotten noticeably worse and is on a horrible downward spiral. She is going to die of an overdose. She is young, (21) thinks she has it all under control. She takes heroin, percoset, tramadol, soma, anything she can get her hands on, alcohol and pot on top of it all.

My heart won't let me walk away yet my mind is telling me to run. This is so painful, I am sad for her every minute of every day, the few moments a day when I have 'normal girl' are so great. Watching her suffer when she needs is horrible, watching her fiend for it kills me. She told me she wanted to quit and asked me to take her to a methadone clinic the other morning at 7am, she was sick, she needed something, she was getting angry they were taking so long, when she finally got it, she said it wasn't enough and she was going to get some more on the street...it's been 2 full days now since i last saw her.

I am sick, sicker than a junkie without and terribly heartbroken. I know she will show back up, she will call from somewhere at 2 in the morning. My mind will wander thru all the scenarios of where she has been and what she has done to get her fix. I worry about her constantly, when she is not with me I am ill with fear of what may end up happening.

I am so sad for her, so mad at the people giving her what she needs, so lost not knowing how to help her and so confused as to follow my heart or my mind.

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

InLovewithaJunkie,

Hiya and thank you very much for reading and all you say concerning my blog. I'm very sorry that you go through this - it's never a good
experience. The first thing I will advise you is stick to your guns
and DO NOT start using to try and get closer to your girl. It will not help and will only drag you down further into a place where you can be of no use.

Help??? I will be truthful and I will not give you false hopes, but
there really is nothing you or ANYONE can do. Even if you understand the reason why your girlffriend uses, it will not help her to stop.
Heroin is a longterm addiction and the addict will nbormally only
consider quitting once they hit bottom or after they are repeatedly
junk sick. As a nobody I tell you WALK AWAY. As a person with a heart
and a brain and with the experience of love I know that is impossible.
So you stay and you try to support her habit. Not financially but
mentally. Accept it, accept it all and try to gain her absolute
confidence. Even if the truth hurts hold in your anger or hurt... cry alone if you have to. If she trusts you she will let you into her addiction... she will let you help and make you apart of her plans.
With openess you will at least know the extent of the problem and how she is funding her habit. If you can help in anyway to fund her,
consider doing so... but do not give your last penny to her addiction.
Allow her to use in front of you & do not get annoyed. The addict
needs security and somewhere peaceful and safe to use. These little things may just save her life.

She is certainly using a mixtuyre of drugs because she cannot fund
heroin everyday. Heroin does satisfy and if she is using all the other pills on top it says she is not getting enough heroin. Is she on a merthadone program at the moment? I know you say you went to the clinic but is she on a daily dose or did she quit the program as soon as she got better?

I'm not really sure what else I can tell you??? You are in an
impossible situation and one that will break your heart... I've seen
my loved ones around me suffer because of my use, and NO-ONE could
have stoipped me from using, NO-ONE.

I will leave you my email address: mr.shanelevene@gmail.com

you can contact me ANYTIME and ask as many questions as you like. I
will never ignore you and will always try to help. I will always tell you the truth.

Until then, you take care... you look after yourself, and you think
about some of the things I have said.

My thoughts are with You... My love and wishes too.. All My Very Best, Shane. x

Jolly said...

HI,

It’s really good to know about this. Looks really interesting!!!
People like the use of alcohol as a fashion and show their position in principle and is now a drug for them. Sad is that some are not able to achieve. But some are not able or their bad habit or you decide not able to stop what they do with themselves. People who have an addiction to alcohol can do Alcohol Detox. And place that can facilitate the Addiction Treatment is Treatment Solutions Network or www.treatmentsolutionsnetwork.com.

Thanks,

Tanja Guven said...

Dear Memoirs of a HeroinHead,

I noticed one of your pictures was captioned as follows: Moths...Moths...Moths... My friend and I were wondering about the significance of this, if there is any. It seems there would be. Please satisfy our curiosity.

Thanks.

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

Tanja,

Hiya... yes there is some meaning behind it. At the time it was a secret message to a secret lover: Moth = kiss.

Very innocent stuff, lol!

Mystery solved and you didn't even need the help of Scooby Doo!

Best Wishes, Shane.

Tanja Guven said...

Dear Memoirs of A Heroinhead,

Thank you for answering. I thought it had something to do with the feeling of being slowly eaten away, for example, by moths. It would've fit with much of the content. The innocent meaning is surprising. Anyhow, it's very sweet. Merry Christmas! I hope you're doing well and I hope you can hang in there for as long as possible. The world is frequently nasty, and I like your entry about being the "man that looks like life." It's true of you, and I think it's true of everyone, though what it means to "look like life" varies from person to person, depending on how long it has been and whether that life has been busy cuddling a person or kicking the person downstairs, over and over again.

Merry Christmas

Tanja Guven said...

Dear Shane,

Sorry for addressing you by the title of your blog. I didn't mean to offend, if I did. I have Asperger's Syndrome, meaning that a lot of things that people do are incomprehensible to me, and also, I have been very sheltered. This blog is very good for taking me elsewhere and explaining that which would otherwise be confusing, which would be most things here and elsewhere, too. It is a relief reading such a blog, with little or nothing to hide. We are lousy at hiding our things, even when they might be more convenient hidden, and also at knowing when things should be hidden, as well as when others are doing so. It is a strange way to go through life. Because we are often unaware of unwritten rules, we do not know when we are breaking them and how other people are reacting. Consequently, we live in a constant state of low-grade paranoia that we may be inadvertently shaming ourselves in public on a regular basis without being aware of it. As there is no way of being sure whether or not we have done so, the only recourse is to a) live like a recluse, which many of us actually do or b) do what we must, live freely without breaking any actual laws, all consequences be damned, which is easier when social anxiety in the clinical sense is not there. We are frequently clumsy and disinhibited, even to a point which may resemble the very first stages of intoxication. It's a bit like having been force-fed one or two drinks or maybe even a shroom and being shoved out in public to face the world, and with no possible comedown in sight. If you've seen Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, the situation can be compared to Dr. Gonzo sitting in the room full of policemen watching the lecture on drug addicts while high on LSD and (successfully) trying to not to show it, or else Carlos Santana at Woodstock, after having miscalculated the timing for his dosage and being forced to go onstage and play his guitar as the neck appeared to wriggle like a snake. Being presented with things that either do not change, or else are exactly as they appear to be, is a great relief. If you were within reach, I would invite you to tea, but I'm writing this post from Canada.

Cheers!

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

Hi Tanja...

God, you didn't offend me!!! lol Many vew commentors address me as that - if not worse! ;)


It's nice that my blog allows you to experience a life very far from your own and in some way that helps you. 95% of my readers have no personal experiece with the things I write about, so I suppose the attraction must lay in the emotions I portray, the hopes, disappointments and dreams... things which are universal.

You're correct about the low grade paranoia. I think that also and see how telling the truth can be frightening, but I kick against these things and refse to let the world silence me.

Anyhow, thanks once again and as you're so far away it'll have
to be a virtual tea... chocolate biscuits are on me (I'm also a chocoholic!!! lol)

Take care & best wishs, Shane.

contraculture said...

That was a good distinction. I have tended to see addiction tendencies among individuals as on a continuum from weak to strong. Some people get hooked the first time, others are not hooked so bad with regular use, and some people have an enormous will-power or immunity to fight off a dependency.

cheryl said...

May as well be dealing with an alcoholic??
I've dealt with an alcoholic. My dear departed Mother was one. She used to vomit on and crap up her bedsheets.
On the other hand, my "heroin addicted" daughter (NOT a junkie, please) seemed to be doing just fine. She was a functional addict. She just moved out of my house, and I can't tell you of the horrors I found in her room.
Semantics, semantics. Keep telling yourself that you are much better than a junkie. Like my daughter thought she was much better than an alcoholic.

Jessica said...

Finding the right drug addiction therapy program can be very difficult because everyone has a different, individual process.

Gledwood said...

That was a really well-put description.
Judging by what you say, my blog's subtitle is bang-on correct "not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos"... because I'm definitely a junkie only I do not thieve to sustain my habit. When I've needed money I've gone out begging rather than stealing. I realy hate stealing and just can't handle stress of walking through supermarket doors trying not to do it too quick.convinced I'm being followed blah blah. It's the selling the stuff I was good at. For someone else I could always get a really good price. For myself I just wanted ££ as quickly as humanly possible.
My life has been absolute wreckage. Disintigrationl. Disorganization. And yes I drink. I used to drink heavily on top of this heroin six or eight cans of white cyder a day. I know that's not a lot, but it's a lot for someone who doesn't consider himself an alcoholic. I would say I "use" alcohol on top of heroin to potentiate heroin's effects. As far as life goes I am so chronically disorganized it is unreal. People are taken in by my articulacy. They think that because I can string a few words together nicely on occasion it somehow means my heroin-addicted life is not an absolute shambles. Except it is... and there we go. It's dark now and I'm sleepy and craving another drink and I have to go. I missed my friend's funeral yesterday coz I was too out of it to get there. You can read the post under ladybirds and have a good giggle if ya like I hope all's well with you Shane, take care
;-)

oz_saffa said...

"Stable heroin addicts are almost undetectable.... even if you live with one. As long as they have their drugs they will perform and remain a valuable asset to society."

I'm sorry mate, but there is nothing in the above that describes you in any way any more... delusional!

Not meant in malice, just a reality check from an outside observer having read most of your blog, having been there for over a decade and fortunately back, the strongest thing I've done.

As a veteran, the words 'no reality/delusion' is a far better collective adjective for anyone who thinks the above quote is 'reality'...

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

Hiya Oz,

Thanks for reading and your time to comment.

It all depends what we've seen and maybe the milieu our own addiction was spent in. I've been a stable addict where no-one, not even my lover, knew. I know many others as well. But you've a point, most stable addicts it's detectable, you're right. But, there are those thatdo live this life in complete secrecy from those around them. Usually it's a matter of finance.

Other stabkle heroin addicts are those on dia-morphine scripts. I know one guy whi's been on that since it was first introduced in britain in the 80's. He's a nice job, a nice life, and no-one knows he's shooting amps of heroin three times a day. Why does no-one know? Because the habit is completely stabilized. The lifestyle doesn't give him away or the ravages of illness or his bank balance. Apart from a few marks on his body he may have to account for, there's nothing to say he's a smack head.

Also methadone maintenance. They are all opiate addicts - no one knows. Can you point me out a methadone patient in the street? Of course not. So they are stable addicts also.

Just because you've never experienced it doesn't mean it's delusional.

You hid your addiction from the world, no? maybe not your family or friends but from the police and government and employment agencies and neighbours. So if you can hide it from them why not hide it from the world? If everyone was on to you, you'd be fucked as any kind of an addict. So you've even done that to an extent yourself.

All My Best, Shane.

Anonymous said...

Ive been on methadone for 22yrs and I stay strat on it it dont get me high nor nood from it.The min I get off ban I go right back to shooting dope and I live an hr from N.Y so I get bundles cheep.I would rather do the methadone .

A New Yorker said...

It seems to me the similar characteristics junkies and addicts share is their inability to have a loving relationship with another PERSON. Their lover is their drug. And by the way, was Philip Seymour Hoffman a junkie or an addict? I see no difference.

A New Yorker said...

I have noticed that most people I know who use drugs have their primary relationship with the drug and not with other PEOPLE. By the way, would you consider Philip Seymour Hoffman a junkie or a drug addict? I see no difference in terms of the effects of the lives of those closest to him.

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

When I saw 'A New Yorker' I thought I may have an insightful, even intelligent comment to look forward to. But no.. Sadly not. It's obvious you've arrived here with pre-(badly)-formed ideas and have asked questions to which you believe you already have the answers. You have also grouped ALL drugs together and most are taken nowhere near frequently enough to interfere with human interaction.
"most people I know" And how the hell did you arrive at tje conclusion you have ftom a handful of people? That'd be akin to me asking 10 friends who they're gonna vote for in the next presidential elections and based on their replies believing i have the results of the next election! And that also begs the question, if drugs have so terribly cut these people off from the world then how the hell was you then able to share wn intimate enough relationship with them to be able to study them and arrive at your conclusion? You've formed huge general ideas based on the flimsiest of observations. So then your argument must also be that all the prescribed drugs (many strong opiates, often exactly what wr can buy on the street) are also breaking social cohesion apart? If not, why? Is prescribed heroin, cannabis, speed different in your eyes to the street.drug? You also need to maybe look at heroin addicts in another context and see if your preconceived ideas hold true:

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

Terminally ill cancer patients.... Those with lifelong debilitating illnesses... Severe burns victims, etc. ALL prescribed dia-morphine (HEROIN) over years, all on higher doses than your average street addict, all administering just as many doses as a street addict per day, and all physically addicted to dia-morphine (heroin). If all these myths are true then why don't these patients on prescribed heroin suddenly turn into thieves, liars, cheaters, lose contact with people, stop washing, lose their teeth, love the drug, etc etc. If heroin has that effect why aren't those prescribed a stable daily dose exhibiting the same behaviours? Because if the habit is stable and not a financial burden then heroin/opiate addiction is almost undetectable. And that's the same for a street addict. If he has the financial means and a good enough supply then his drug addiction becomes as stable as any drug legally prescribed and has just as little consequences in his life. You should really try thinking a little. But of course, you'll never want to see such a truth because if that's the case then the solution will horrify you. Asking ME about Philip Hoffmann just again shows up your thought processes and how you judge people yoursrlf. HOW THE FUCK DO I KNOW IF HOFFMANN WAS A STABLE ADDICT OR JUNKIE without knowing him, his private life or his addiction. But again, you hsd already decided what you thought I would label him without ever thinking that not everyone is as ignorant in their conclusions snd judgements as you. Even this conversation, after years of heavy drug abuse it should be me with the skewed reasoning and poor brain power... But it's not, it's you... And if sobriety means being even a little like you then I'd prefer a life of drugs and a young death rather than 82 years of stupidity and ignorance. Love & Thoughts. Shane. X

Anonymous said...


So what do you call the people in between a stable addict and a junkie. I lie to get my money, it doesn't matter if it's their last dollar I take it anyways but once I have it I'm able to go to work and get shit done but on the other hand I can't limit myself to how much I use I go through withdrawal a lot when there's a drought but still that's not enough to stop me for good my hygiene is pretty good but eh still consider myself a junkie would do anything for it once in my "withdrawal state" I'm fucked aren't i? I pretty much lost hope in quitting successfully in some cases I made it almost a year without but I always go back and these days I can't go without it for longer than a couple days