“It's gonna be a good year.”
I say that every year
while laying in bed
with a dead laptop
making love to myself
and dealers
of certain cards
Surrounded by walls
breeding dry-rot
But this year IS gonna be a good one
for somewon
We've a one in seven billion
chance
Nothing's ever guaranteed
No matter who
your daddy is
For 2011
I'm betting the lot
Taking the SP
Doing my bollocks on
the gammiest legged
laziest eyed
outsider in the race
The horse I'm hanging on
they don't even bother to shoe
or shoot,
anymore
In 2011
the drought
of life and lonliness
will end
In 2011
The world is gonna pay
double.
Hey everyone, if you've made it through the Suicide Season, well done... keep well and keep healthy and keep hope.
Love & Thoughts, Shane. X
Hope for the Hopeless
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63 comments :
doesnt suicide season still go on until the new year? two people killed themselves in cambridge on train tracks this new year alone. anyway...
HAPPY NEW YEAR SHANE,
hope its a good one for you
lots of love, naomi xxx
Hiya naomi,
well there's always some who'll drag it out!
Fancy that, chucking yourself on a UK train track... the time you'll have to lay there waiting for the train to arrive.
"This is an announcement to the suicidal on platform 6. The 8.15 express to Bognar Regis is cancelled. Refunds are available to the indecisive (maybe). We apologize for any inconvenience this has cause."
happy New Year to you too... Love returned, Shane. X
Happy New Year, buddy!
You are loved. I hope it is a great year for all of us.
SB
Yep. Here's hoping!
Well Written Shane! Wish you a great year ahead! Hope you find all that you wanted in this year..and Yes I'm glad I made thru last yr, it sucked and I hope this one doesn't ...Best Wishes, Shivi.
2011 will be beautiful <3
I almost didn't make it to the new year, did as many drugs as I could get my hands on and drank as much as I could stomach. I was going to take a bottle of Percs, but being drunk I spilled my plans to a friend of a friend. He told me not to do it because he'd miss me. It was the simplest and most honest answer I'd ever heard to "Why shouldn't I (kill myself)?" and it made me change my mind that night. I don't know what to feel now, I'm not suicidal but I don't really want to live. 2011 will be an interesting year, for sure.
I'm glad you made it through, Shane. Your blog is a very interesting read and I love your writing style, your sense of humor, and general perspective on life. I look forward to hearing more from you this year.
i feel like this year
is gonna be the year
for a little of us
that we'll be finally gaining
the infamy of a name.
it's finally the year to be hated,
the year to make history.
all the beast,
dustydee.
I'm still alive!
Hey I took gear 3 days in a row and all the mental derangedness in me WENT. Which just does to prove how gear holds me together.
Today I posted up 7 links on the antipsychotic/antimanic/mood-stabilizing qualites of opiates.
This isn't just shit I googled; it Ts into actual experience. The VERY first thing I noticed when I had a habit was how my formerly wave-like moods had gone flat-line. Then I was told by a friend she had even come off LITHIUM in favour of gear. I used with people with schizophrenia for quite a while and their equilibrium improved. So there's definitley more to gear than just a drug of abuse-cum-painkiller.
Now this drought Shane, can you tell me categorically what if anything is going on your end, as I've heard all manner of contradictory stuff here:
http://gledwood2.blogspot.com/2010/11/heroin-drought-uk-2010-life-goes-on.html
some of which seems to imply the Great Heroin Drought is Europe-wide. Is there any drought in France? Or any other country you know of? Has the price increased? If so how much?
The quality of gear now is NOWHERE NEAR was it was. I'm definitley not going back to it if they think they can get away selling half-arsed shyte and that short-memory junkies will accept anything. Nah. They pulled th eplug on the one thing I loved in the world, then I found I could lve wthout it. Well they can fuck off. never ever again. Congratulations idiot drug dealers. Unless you ship in A grade China White at truly stonking purity I won't bat an eyelid. None of us ever wanted brown shit (did you?) yet we've been plagued with it since the late 70s. No those bastards can fuck off. Bring in some proper drugs or I'm not going near them. Sorry for the rant Shane
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!
PS I heard MAY was peak time for suicide. Maybe Xmas takes the biscuit for pure insanity. Now THAT wouldn't surprise me in the slightest!!!
Dur. 4got to tell ya:
MELODY'S BACK
So happy to hear from you again!
Happy New Year!
yes kid.me and you both.
Made it through as well but not completely unscathed. Does anyone ever, really?
SB, Thank You... I'm hated as much as I am loved, but that's fine... that's why the world gets my boot so much. XXX
All This Trouble... hoping for the impossible... probably, but that doesn't mean we should ever stop. X
Shivi!!!!! I still have some asian readers and commenters! That's very important and that it's you is even more special. Hope it's a good one for you... I'll send you some of my
luck
less
ness
haha. XXX
Stacy, it already is... but I've still another 360 days to fuck that up... and I probably will. Love and Thoughts & Thanks & Everything else, Shane. XXXXX
Hi ya Katie,
Well you didn't do it and that always says something and now you've got another chance to do something else.
You're gonna die anyway Darling, so you may as well live it out.
Love and thoughts, Shane. X
Hey Dusty! X
When are you coming to Lyon to make that history? haha
Here's a wager: I bet you 25cents that I get to Texas before you get to Lyon.
get your money ready... you're gonna pay out too!
Take great care Doctor (Dr = Dusty Rose)
Love & Thoughts, Shane. X
Hiya Gledwood,
Oh you're right about opiates and the calming effect they can have on mental illness. I touched upon that here once. There is a huge percentage of users who use for that purpose.
Droufght situation here: there isn't one. For a week before christmas it was difficult to find, but that was it. I know across the net they say French stuff is from afghan, but I'm telling you this is not afghan gear here... no way. This stuff is coming in from North africa: Tunisia/Algeria/Morocco. I wouldn't even be surprised if this is whats endfing on the streetys in the UK as it would be complete bash in them quantities. A UK sized injection of french stuff would not even calm illnes. You have to whack this stuff up in grams!!!! Seriously. Five grams lasts the equivalent of two bags of UK stuff... if you're lucky. So no drought here, but there may as well be.
I don't know when the 'official' suicide season is.... I just refer to Christmas and New Year as that. But if it's May... those that fucked up last time have another shot at the crown.
Take care Gleds & great to see you back around. X
Lisa, happy to hear from me? Ahhh, now that's sweet... X
Anonymous: ararardzavdhbcbakzjncnaznfjkbvhbrbvaevnf;nvfabvndsf:nbfdb,:;nsd,b sd:!,bfzlmf,bfndsbn snnbgs,bl;gslb,gkzngn,sfnbfg,bg;:f,n gf,;b fgb,kgl,b,sfkbnkgsb,!:gfbfg!,nbsf:n !bk,n :f,ns,;::bf,;:b sb,;mgrl:mer;glk
Oh, and Happy new Year. XXX
Hiya Steven, well great you made it through and then made it here. Nah, we never make it through unscathed, always a little more death in us...
Take Good Care, Shane.
@Shane - It's always nice to visit your blog. LOL@ the luck less ness :P, but I had enough of that in the last yr and now i badly wish it's a gr8 year for just not only me but everyone else.. Waiting for your next post.
Best Wishes & Love, Shivi.
that's a steep wager shane, but today i feel like a betting man. you're on.
until then,
rich in rags.
dr.
Happy New Year to you, fingers crossed for a good one!
To Gledwood,
I second that, even though I have never used.
Considering what Haldol and the other ones do, the fact that heroin would also have a steadying influence seems extremely logical and predictable. Frankly, based on what I've read, if you could find balance with heroin, you'd have to be a little crazy to take the other things. Heroin doesn't seem to cause tardive dyskinesia, weight gain, neuroleptic malignant syndrome, diabetes mellitus, lowered seizure threshold, pancreatitits, unprovoked lactation etc. And considering they have a hard time even getting people to stay on the legal things, I think the winner of this one is obvious. Sometimes self-medication is the best way. The only drawback is the lack of quality control measures.
I always think February is the cruelest month.
Although January started off with my blog of several years disappearing from the cyber multiverse. (George Wines helpfully asked: 'Do you have any enemies?' That thought never occurred. Then it was all I could think about. Just ask yourself that question. See?)
And the Spam on my hotmail thing is increasing. Now it's sending out letters to all my contacts as though they come from me. I even got one from me. And I think you Shane did yesterday. I've now taken you and everyone else off my contacts. Emails just come in Junk so it's no hassle.
Then my electricity went off for four hours tonight.And it's freezing.
But it's now on and I got an email from Google apologizing for the blog vanishing act and it's now back too.
Jeez, already a lot of running just to stand still...
But this will be YOUR year Shane!
Shivi, tell us what happened? What didn't go right or went wrong? X
Hiya cathleen, great to see you here and All The Best to You. X
Not being a user, and you being a long time user, I cannot understand why you don't think of your dependency like that of an insulin dependent diabetic and just get on with it. After all, it is not what you are, but rather what you bring to the table that anyone really cares about. Which you have proven you can do by a just finished blog.
love that Shane.I am going thru hell. I detoxed myself(self tapered)from 195 to 120mg in about 6 mos.I am here counting the seconds til I can get to my clinic.They are bouncing me up 20 mg today(Ill be up to 155...... I have not slept in a friggin week and by 4 am I am rolling all over my house puking.And my God Shane...that lil monkey on my back still says(this has been 6 yrs of no heroin)"ahhh just go get one bag....""You can talk everyone into letting up on u."BUT I promised myself before I ever put my true love,the needle, in my arm again,I'd jump in front of a bus,so shooting up .......... That is not an option.So I will suffer for 40 more minutes. I'll see their clinic bozo doctor today. I am more hooked on this f'in methadone than I ever was on heroin. I often think of your mom and wonder if she has similar feelings on this!!Hugs xx00 Chrissy in Connecticut
Think I've already wished u a happy new year in an email. God I was sooo depressed NYE wishing all the fireworks etc would just go away (they woke me up and I love sleep it brings oblivion) I'm glad its all over and things are back to normal. Hopefully next new year I will be able to say that I have achieved something in 2011,my a levels. I may even be at uni, something to look forward to and be positive about(although at the mo I'm so skint I'm struggling to find the £4 a day to get to college!) I need to spend more time on my heaps of coursework,essays etc and less time reading blogs!!
Looking forward to ur next post.
All my love.
Gina.xx
Yo Shane. 2011 smells the same to me so far. Cool verse though. The main thing that is going to DOUBLE here is the price of a bag of gear... when it returns later in the year. I'm looking foward to chemically celebrating 11 minutes and 11 seconds past 11 o'clock on the 11th of November, which will be: 11.11.11 11.11.11. For an arbitrary moment in time, that beats midnight on New Years Eve.
Re suicide Kay Redfield Jamison, who wrote that famous memoir An Unquiet Mind about her own experiences with bipolar, who is professor of psychiatry at Johns Hopkins in the USA is author of one of the standard works on bipolar and depression, has written on the connexion between mood disorders and creativity ("Touched with Fire") and is patron of an American suicide prevention league. Most recently she wrote a book on suicide which I haven't read. But I do know she says the peak month for suicide is actually May. Far as I know Xmas would represent the peak for psychiatric inpatient admissions ... and what a surprise THAT would be!
You sure French gear comes from North Africa? I have heard rumours of it being produced there before but little to substantiate it.
I put a link on my sidebar re heroin in France. It's in French but even I can follow it so you'd find it piss easy. It mentions a product called "Africain" which is white gear originating in West Africa. Whether or not this is SE Asian merely transited through Ghana/Nigeria nobody knows. They have no excuse not to as even I know that every gear has a distinctive chemical signature. E.g. with cocaine you can literally zero in to the precise valley the coca was cultivated in. If that's the case, I'm sure the situation with poppies is very similar.
Have you any info on this mysterious north African gear? It certainly would explain how France can have gear "de mauvaise qualité" while the rest of Europe's been pretty fine quality (till recently). You don't think French gear comes from Lebanon, do you? I know for a fact gear has been produced there for a long long time.
Re mental health, as you probably know, heroin is a psychic blocker meaning it produces antipsychotic effects which equate to or even exceed those of the neuroleptics psychiatrists love prescribing. Addiction aside, the adverse effects of opiates are very much more tolerable.
The problem I found with gear was that although it had a distinct mood-flattening effect, over the years this effect wore thinner and thinner so by the mid-to-end of my using I felt depressed all the time, sometimes depressed to the point of being incapacitated.
What the clinic do not want to admit (of course it's in their interest not to know this) was that HEROIN was a FAR superior antidepressant to methadone, despite what the literature suggests. It annoys me immensely that until recently they'd have the cheek to prescribe 40mg methadone for a gram of street heroin ~ easily 40% purity IV! That is 1mg methadone for every 10mg diamorphine. Even the most unsympathetic write-ups don't give equivalences this low. The most conservative equivalences I've found are 1mg methadone to 4mg diamorphine, the most liberal were 1mg to 1mg. So when the dr had the cheek to imply I was on a "high dose" I shot her down in flames with these facts and she quickly shut up! When the gear was good a £5 hit on top of 100mg methadone, went whooshing into my system filling all the gaps methadone had left open. The drs said it "shouldn't do this"... well maybe they ought to do a little less reading and a bit more listening!
So there you have it! I don't know what happened to Melody but she said she was very involved in something that she's not ready to discuss... but hey, at least she's back ;-)
Lovely to see you on the other side, Shane. Keep on doing what you do so good.
Hiya Anonymous,
Well we do just get on with it, but heroin is not found in pharmacies and it causes us (sometimes) huge problems to get it. Also the quality changes and our dosage changes with that. So we get on with it the best we can but cannot account for lack of supply, bad quality... 200% price increases etc.
If we could walk into a pharmacy and buy it over the counter we would... and then we'd probably all shut up. I wouldn't though. I think heroin addiction and drug problems shows up a gaping hole in our society and that the life around that is an important thing to document. It touches upon too many social issues to be about the drug...
Thoughts, Shane.
Hiya Joe,
Yeah I caught that spam mail but realized immediately, esp as we had just spoken. But it's weird how it was your real address...stuff like that (imagine sexual content or something) could cause huge problems for people. But don't ever worry about it coming to me, I just delete them and if I'm not sure I'll always ask you.
Do I have enemies?
I've many and the bastards keep sending me emails telling me! I can normally spot them:
Subject: Your blogs shit
or
Subject: Hiya Junkie scum
What can you do but send kisses back? That's what I do.
2011 will be a good one for a few of us... I'm sure of it... I think...
X
Hiya Joe,
Yeah I caught that spam mail but realized immediately, esp as we had just spoken. But it's weird how it was your real address...stuff like that (imagine sexual content or something) could cause huge problems for people. But don't ever worry about it coming to me, I just delete them and if I'm not sure I'll always ask you.
Do I have enemies?
I've many and the bastards keep sending me emails telling me! I can normally spot them:
Subject: Your blogs shit
or
Subject: Hiya Junkie scum
What can you do but send kisses back? That's what I do.
2011 will be a good one for a few of us... I'm sure of it... I think...
X
Hiya Chrissy,
Well your stronger than me... I wouldn't go through opiate withdrawal if I could help it.. I couldn't.
Though I'll probably be puking and rolling around in agony next week as my only contact here has gone AWOL. i tried searching a new contact (esp for methadone) today, but no luck. If I don't tomorrow I'll ahve to sit it out...
Love and thoughts & hope things change for you soon, Shane. XXX
Gledwood,
I'm not an expert on the traffic side of things... in fact I take absolutely no interest in it at all. So the base heroin may come from afghanistan but it's certainly processed in North africa and comes through via there.
Spain has pretty much the same crap as we do here, but germany has stuff similar to that in the UK. Amsterdam gear is weird. It's kinda like UK but not as strong and burns on injecting it. We occassionally have dutch gear here and it goes at thirty quid a gram. I had some two weeks ago.
French heroin requires no citric either and blocks in the needle without fail. Crystalizes. here you boil the water first, then sprinkle gear in. Mix to a thick paste and then draw the crown off the top. You are left with three mil of crap in the bottom of the cup. It also has the weirdest taste as it gors through you: tastes like the smell of old socks... exactly like that. It's not pleasant, except when you're half ill. And then it's heaven.
Hiya Tanja... thanks for gatedrashing my life and then ignoring me! haha
God, these fucking junkies aren't very polite are they? Where do they get their manners from?
Shane. X
Hiya Georgina,
read the correct blogs and you wont need coursework. Mines not the correct one for that, but there must be one!
I remember millenium night. Layingb there in tears while the world celebrated. If I'd had a gun I would have picked the crowd offf one by one. new Years a pretty shitty time...
Love & Thoughts, Shane. X
Paul, great to see, hear from you. Hope you had a great ghristmas with the family... it's probably a nice time when you've children you love.
Are you advising me to keep shooting? Don't know what else you could mean. X
Heftman, hiya! Yeah it always smells the same but the consistency of shit is always different. I suppose it depends on whose arse it comes out of??? Does that make any sense? It doesn't to me, but I've said it now and have a lifetime to figure it out...
X
Hey Shane
Sorry about the mistakes i have published by mistake, i,m a little pissed and its been a while since i published anythin here. I hope you carry some wisdom that was gathered last year into this new one. last year was a bit fucked up for me as you know, i lost my leg, but i like to say that i just swapped my real leg for a false one. The gear in the midlands does,nt even deserve to carry the name "heroin", its shite. The benefits of bein an amputee is that i can tap my doc for heavy duty opiats due to bad phantom pains. So its been diamorphine and vodka for me these last few months. I hope your well, and as always its brill to read your words, and the opinions of the people that read them.....Love And Care...Kympton
Oh and a little crack along the way....lol
***part 2***
Oh I don't fucking know. I'm just so glad I saw a shrink. I thought it was all over when I saw him but he took one look at me and said "this isn't you". I was so hyper I wsa bouncing off the walls in that appointment. I opened my gob and didn't stop ranting until time was up. He said I'd been "very helpful".
I just want to know the nature of the beast I'm confronting. At least then I can Do The Right Thing re diet self-help etc. Some of the clinic staff want me to think it's drug-induced. That's crap. I've had depression since age 10. I had mood swings throughout my mid-late 20s. I cannot take antidepressants because they over-react on me. Last time on them I got so severely depressed I didn't even want gear any more. Now that's pretty bad depression.
Sorry to go on Shane. It's 7am, I've been up all night. I just wanted someone to talk to and you're one of the few who seems to understand.
Why doesn't French gear need citric?
What colour is it? Brown?
Is it just pre-acidified?
Can you smoke it or does it just frazzle on the foil? That would imply it's gear hydrochloride not gear base.
If you skinpop or miss or put it in a shit vein does it burn? That would imply they've cut it with vit C already.
You know the score. If you skinpop acidified brown you get that mega mosquito bite look at the site. Does this stuff do that?
My Irish mate Padster says Italian gear is premixed with vit C. But it doesn't sound as dire as the stuff you're talking about.
What on earth do you think they've done to the French gear?
It's not Mexican Tar is it?
Mexican gear sometimes comes as powder, but I heard if you kept it in your pocket all day, unlike european B it will congeal into a tar. I'm sure you know about tar, it's crap because the idiots who make it scrimped on the production process and missed steps out. I even heard they use spirit vinegar instead of acetic anhydride. How pathetic is that. In compensation for the low diamorphine level it's said to have huge levels of 6-monoacetylmorphine. Problem with that is 6MAM doesn't give the lovely heroin rush when injected. The rush is said to occur when diamorph metabolizes into 6MAM... yeah I'm such an expert (NOT!) If you gave me a pingpongball molecule and said, right show me the right and left isomer, show me how it metabolizes I'd be lost.
I could probably make you a pretty cool looking pingpongball sculpture, though.
I used to hang out with one guy from Southern France and another from Nothern Spain. The French guy said he used to travel frequently to Spain to bring 100g back at a time, as it was way cheaper and better than the local crap. I heard in Northern France they travel to Amsterdam/Rotterdam on the same principle....
Please RSVP re this gear. I'm intrigued as to what it actually is. Brown heroin base? White heroin #4? Tar? What...? And have you any idea of the country of origin? You said N Africa, but can you be any more specific? I'm a junkie. I'm fascinated!
Gledwood, you can mail me WHENEVER you like... you don't have to ask, mate. And if you're not so well, or having a crisis or just want to talk, especially not... just send your words.
I don't loathe B. I've made every footstep myself that led me there. There are historical things, of course, but history has no-one to blame... it always somehow ends back up on Hitler's shoulders anyway, and even he then blames his grandad. So I don't hate heroin; I accept it as the best way to live a balanced life if the heels come off your shoe.
That's great your meeting with the shrink finally went Ok. I know you was worried about that, and like me have a distrust and disrespect for them in the main. I've never had to go to a shrink - except when beginning Methadone maintenance. Then I had no choice, at least, not for the premier appointment. Which is something I hate... systematically concluding that if someone whacks up junk that they are mentally ill. Where actually more sane, because who the fuck would live in this world with all the injustice, lack of opportunity and hope, and smile their way through it straight and oblivious to all? So for me heroin is often a healthy reaction to the world. The heroin epidemic in Britain is a small sub-system, a hotch-pot of all the social problems that exist in our time.
I always say it is not the addict that needs rehabilitating but the world. The world needs rehab. We need to forget about 'addiction' and concentrate on the causes behind it. Fix the world and the junkies will fix themselves. It's not 'addiction' which is a long term problem but the reasons behind that addiction.....
Gled cont'd...
Towards addicts using third rate gear... I don't blame them. I'd do the same. I know I would (I am). It's hard not to, and even if we can have moments of logic, hope isn't logical and when the promise of 9/10 or even average pre-drought gear comes along, there's not many who'll resist.The drought is just a bizarre thing and I HOPE someone is recording it in someway so ad we have a record of it and what happened for junkies living through it at the time. In the last 30 years, maybe even longer, Britain has known nothing like that. It also shows just how fucking easy supply can be interrupted and it's not as hopeless a s everyone says. My God, last time they did it by accident.
Anyway, you take good care and mail me whenever you like...
All My Thoughts, Shane.
Hiya Kympton!!! It's been a while. I hope you're well and that you're getting on OK with the fake leg. Hows the other one? Didn't you then have a problem with that? Or am I remembering things which never happened?
But even with only one leg, a furious habit... and whatever other handicap someone has, there's still the small chance that the world may pay-out in some way. What I know is that it will never pay out to the hopeless... it can't. So keep your head up and concentrate on whats coming and not what's gone.
All My Thoughts, Shane.
Gledwood,
This evening I'll email you photos of french stuff. It looks almost the same as UK stuff but is much more porous, often darker (but not always) and crumbles easily.
No it doesn't burn at all.. never. I think it needs no citric because there's so little fucking heroin in it!!!
I'll send you pictures of everything:
The gear
Cup
Boiled water
Dropping gear in
Stirring it to a paste
(you can boil it to liquid but it then constantly blocks the barrel)
What it looks like in the works
Whats left in the cup
You asked for it!!! lol
hurrah! i've been watching and waiting and now your back,great post shane,
for what its worth i would happily make love to you instead of you making love to yourself
L x
shit never been such a slag before!
Happy New Year Shane.. This is going to be a very good year.. I can feel it in my water..or is that the Vodka..??
Either way we are still here and that has to be a good start
Lots of love Ruth xx
Lizzydripping... that's a bit naughty, god!!! You made me blush....
Not really...
We can fuck right here in the comment section if you're up for it?
You first... you've gotta seduce me...
X
Hiya Ruby,
Yeah, you're on the Russian perrier again I really dunno what got into me being all positive...2011 is gonna be the lousiest of the lot.
Love as Ever, Shane. XXX
Hi Shane
Love you dude.
My friend killed herself Saturday night.
love
helia
my seduction is futile
:)
L X
Hiya Helia...
How and maybe why did she/he do that?
My friends always kill themselves... I'm seriously thinking of not making any more.
Send me a mail if you don't wwant to talk about it here:
myheroinhead@gmail.com
Love and Thoughts, Shane. X
LizzyDripping,
Oh... and I thought we were gonna put on a show!!!
I'm not easily seduced... it takes at least £10... triple in times of drought.
But if you don't want to dance, I suppose I've no choice but to waltz alone...
X
Hiya Shane,
Great writting. Sure this year is yours!
Hope it's mine as well... for now it's beginning fine.
Speak to you tomorrow.
Mary xxx
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