The Light Lost Light

The light lost light and darkened. It felt like there was a great storm sitting overhead and I knew he was gone. I closed my eyes and listened, but for a moment the world was quiet with me. I thought of schoolyards, and dinner bells and distant summers and better days. I heard the engine of a plane, and then the motor of the fridge, and then I cried.

Mr Raymond Paul Levene
12 September 1943 - 28 April 2011

The Greatest Influence I Ever Had.



34 comments :

John said...

Hi Shane,

That sounds terrible news; my thoughts are with you.

John

Gledwood said...

:-(

Sarcastic Bastard said...

I am so sorry to hear this, Shane.
You are loved. If you need me, you know how to get in touch.

I'll keep a good thought for him.

SB

_Black_Acrylic said...

So sorry to hear of your loss, Shane x

JoeM said...

Sorry to hear about this.

Do say more when it's time...

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

Thanks Everyone. XXX

Joe, it was an aneurysm which ruptured while he was in hospital. It's a bizarre story and not for the blog and so I'll give you the full details either here or in a mail. Personally I think hospital politics (funding especially) played a huge part in him actually dying. When he first reached hospital they sent him home with painkillers! He returned the next day and they put him in bed, didn't do too much and said maybe he had pulled a muscle. He was in agony and paralysed i his left leg! He also had a lump on the groin, but I reckon it was all related to the femoral artery which runs through there. Anyway, he was deemed not critical and through a few routines checkups late on wednesday they found an aneurysm. Still they said it wasn't "life threatening" but needed treating. They said they would do nothing until they found out what was causing the paralysis and the lump in his groin. My father was fine and speaking and much better than the day before (although still in agony - leg). But that kinda relieved him as he was gladf it was a leg pain and not his chest. Thursday morning he was fine but the pain was increasig and not even morphine would relieve it. He called my sister and said he was in tremùendous pain again and would she be coming to the hospital. She was and left to go and see him and take a few things which he'd asked for. By the time she arrived, an hourt later, the crash team had resusciotated him once and was rushing in to do it again. He was revived for a second time in the hour and they said he needed emergency surgery but was almost certainly too weak to carry it out. When he crashed again they opened his chest in the normal ward and he died at that point.

Thats what happened, but there was a while history of symptoms from when he was admitted that pointed clearly to what was wrong with him and it just seemed there wasn't the urgency or ability to do anything about it. Whether there was even a surgeon capable of carrying out the op he needed is in question. But really he went into hospital with a sore leg, two days before there was any emergency, and was left to die.

Its annoying because he showed a host of other symptoms which should have had him under the knife before the thing rupturd... indeed they diagnosed the aneursym and told him that it will be deadly if it ruptures. Well they was right about that.

On the good side, it was quick and he knew othing about it before 'Lights Out'. He was a man who was petrified of his own mortality and a long drawn out death would have been torturous on him. In that way he went the best he could. Also, he was nearly 70 and we had all forgotten that. I thik the biggest miracle is that I outlived the Old Bastard! He wouldn't have been too happy about that, haha!

He was a good man and a strange man from a very unique mold. His ways live on in me and my brother and sister... we are our own father now.

Hope you're well Joe. Had been meaning for the last week to send you a mail just to say "hello" but never got around to it. X

JoeM said...

I've heard so many horror stories from hospitals. I'd be terrified to go to one now what with all the diseases that people come out with.

Yes we must email soon to catch up. After all the daily frenetic Waiting for John period there's been an understandable lull.

id said...

what you wrote is so touching and flawless.

sorry to hear this sad news and hoping you are doing ok.

Wildernesschic said...

Shane I am so, so sorry ... it is a dreadful time.. I am thinking of you. That is all I can say as there is nothing anyone can say xx

dusty rose said...

Sorry for your loss. I sometimes believe death can be beautiful. I'm glad he lives on in you guys.
My condolences,
Dr.Dusty.Dee

sweden said...

luv ya Shane~sweden

ChrissyOwens said...

Shane,
Sending you hugs.Wish there was more to say than 'sorry for your loss'..
Take care..Chrissy

Sailor said...

I echo the above sentiments.. really sorry to hear about your friend. Better this way than a long, drawn out decline, as you said.

Sending good vibes from the UK.. your kin will live on in your words, your electrical connections, your heart..

Sxx

Tanja Guven said...

Hello Shane.

I know it's been a while since I've said anything to you. I'm here. I've been taking guitar lessons from Julian in Victoria. He's very nice and I like him a lot. He reminds me a little of you. He's had a hard life as well. First of all he had some kind of learning disability which made school difficult to some degree, possibly Asperger's syndrome, as well as a childhood in which he was regularly beaten and belittled by his father, though his mother did support him somewhat, and paid partially for him to go to music school. Twenty-five years ago he rode his bike without a helmet, fell off onto his head, and injured his brain. Currently he collects disability. He has taken almost every drug you can name and has settled on crystal methamphetamine washed down with great quantities of cheap alcoholic cider. He knows all about the great musical artists and could easily stand next to some of them without seeming diminished. He has played guitar for 34 years. Sadly he has been unable to organize himself in order to collect the remuneration due him for his abilities. He has slept rough and currently resides at the worst motel in the city of Victoria, B.C. It's always loud and violent there, and the sounds of something upsetting going on can always be heard. He says that it's often so bad that he can't sleep for days on end. The place where he lives has no shower or kitchen and has a telephone that hardly ever works. He doesn't dare open the curtains for legitimate fear of having his things stolen, though he has nothing of any significant value except for his amp. He plays guitar all day and collects bottles and cans for a living. Please watch him. This footage is not the best example of what he can do but it is the only footage I could find.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cMCPp9PqZqI

Thank you for your patience.

Gina said...

Deepest Sympathies Shane. My thoughts are with you.
Gina.
xxx

Cadan Henry said...

brother man. goin through a lot right now i know. if you're up to it some writing in that direction would be a good dose. we will wait patiently.

C

Tanja Guven said...

I also offer my sympathies for your loss. I acknowledge that my last comment was out-of-the-blue.

Anonymous said...

He was a good man and a strange man from a very unique mold. His ways live on in me and my brother and sister... we are our own father now.
This says it all my little bro. We all had the his hair too........luckily I didn't go bald as not a good look on a girl. He was a 'shithouse' but he was our shithouse.

Love ya long time xxxxxxxxxxx

Anonymous said...

the man brought u up and u wont b at the funeral. i cant explain how i feel shane. thomas kindlon

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

Thomas,

Funerals mean nothing... they are just a way that society has of charging us to clear up a mess. I say my goodbyes in private, and even more, I said my goodbye in life - as did your mum and Dan. What I mean by that is that we were all still speaking and all got on well as family and friends... after all which had passed, and all we had lived through, the four of us never had one day of bad blood. So my respects were paid to dad while he was living and i don't need the bullshit of a funeral to proove anything. Also, from what I've observed, those at funerals who scream the loudest normally cared the least... I don't need to scream or cry or break down in public to pay my respects. We enjoyed a lot of life together and respected each other... that can never die, be taken away, or buried. And Granddad held a very similar view of death, when his beloved dog died (and he loved the dog as much as he ever loved anything) he bagged the thing up and slung it in a neighbours dustbin. There was no burial... no ceremony... no bullshit, the dog was dead and gone, all that was left was a body. In private Granddad loved the dog - he knew that - and that's all that's important.

Also, I've not a religious bone in my body (not even in my cock), so why the hell would I want to hang around listening to a Bishop chat a load of bollocks about a man he didn't even know and at any other time would have probably condemned to hell? I don't need that crap for closure.

So the funeral means nothing to me. I paid my respects during 35 years of life... just as he did to me.

X

Kelly Al Saleh said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Cadan Henry said...

you didn't listen to me talented one. you better not be out there using. i know what's going on in there and it is amazing. the ink will be on fire and going to leave holes in the shape of letters in the paper. liquid lobotomy lotion...

C

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

Hiya Cadan.. Everyone...

A new Memoires post will be put up very shortly. I've been sketching out many posts recently, along with novels and shorts and ideas for a new online work. I am a person who lives off instinct and feel and can change my mind without warning. An idea which may have impassioned me five minutes ago suddenly becomes irrelevant in the face of a newer, better idea. I don't think I've ever once written the advertised 'next post' that I often promise. That's not a game I play, or something I purposely play up to, it's really how it works. What seemed urgent yesterday was maybe only so because it was all I had. But riches change and mine change all the time...

As to my usage at this moment, I'm far from clean but am going through the soberest period of the last two years. I'm using heroin at the most once a week (sometimes twice!) which is surprising considering recent circumstances: a death and then last week receiving an eviction notice for non-payment of rent. I tryig to turn that around at the moment but it doesn't look too great.

Anyway, it's all ammunition for the pen... Today's tragedy fuels tomorrows hope.

Shane. X

Cadan Henry said...

good to hear from you man. the good never have to explain. has nothing to do with how impatient the rest of us bastards are.

sucks having to pay bills instead of writing. i'd have a lot more output if not for that. here's hoping money and real estate find you easily.

you mentioned using, just makin sure you're still there. i need to have one living author i admire.

C

Cathleen said...

I am very sorry for your loss, hope you are ok. RIP

Heftman said...

All the good people die young - and 68 is young these days. Who wants to be a fucking crinkly? William Burroughs - that fibbing old fucker? Be happy Shane, death is our prize

heftman said...

Oh yeah, people die and some of them are our parents - fuck death and all who sail in her - I am not sorry for your loss, because I fucking hate cliches (yeechhhh) but I am glad that you live every moment like it counts, until the day you drop. Drip drip drip...

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

Hiya Heftman, oh, I'm not sorry either for the death. If that wasn't our fate life would have no urgency or meaning. Also, if it wasn't for death the world wouyld be packed full of scumbags right now... well, it is anyway, but there'd be even more!

Hope you're well Russell... it's been a while. All My Thoughts, Shane. X

Heftman said...

Shane, I think of you a lot, and hope we get to meet some day, that would be cool. I am well, but won't be making old bones either (COPD). I don't mean to put other contacts down when I come on strong here with my odd-angled outbursts, but that's part of the deal when you're BAD NEWS - Bipolar Affective Disorder, Not Else Where Specified (IC10). Great acronym. I'm trying to prune my online identities, they're multiplying exponentially, but I must confess to being Eevil Demon (just another jagged chunk of a fragmented personality). Now vomit that grief up, its no good inside... XXX

The Total Impostor said...

Oh, and should you be looking for insane distractions, my distractingly insane cognitions and liminal leaks have changed their address: http://www.chemicalrevelations.blogspot.com/ - Death is not the end, its the beginning of a slow and fascinating process of physical decomposition involving other life-forms - I always liked that aspect of death(though I prefer cremation)

Spindrift said...

Shane, I am sorry for your loss. His memories will live on in you. He will always be with you. I down loaded the 1st Tindersticks album and it has been on high rotation for me. Although, it's not my memories its cunjuring into my head. I think they're yours. From the way you described this music and your life at the time when this was on high rotation for you, you kind of gave me those memories when I play this now. So, thanks for that. I think that's one of the best things about music I love so much, are the stories they cast into the mind and heart of the listener. In time I will have my own memories of this music you put me onto. In the mean time I'm quite happy to be vicariously living through another. Like old movies in playing in my head, I think sometimes some of these are the stories of others. Thanks for yours. Good luck with your flat renting, as you say, makes for interesting times. Paul. P.S. I usually email you but well, eh, this time I posted. Safe journey.

Anonymous said...

Someone I work with visits your blog frequently and recommended it to me to read too. The writing style is great and the content is top-notch. Thanks for the insight you provide the readers!

Anonymous said...

Shane,
I love your work and I feel your pain and your joy and I understand... As best I can. Your writing is so full of life.

I am confused by the story of your father being killed by a serial killer and now reading that your father has died in hospital?

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

Hiya Anon,

My blood father, Graham Allen, was murdered.

My Step-father, Raymond Levene (blood father to my brother and sister) died in hospital last year. I was brought up by my step-father and all my life called him "dad" and he was my father just not by blood. Usually, so as it's not confusing for the readers, I refer to him in these writings as 'My Step-father' but it seemed an insult to refer to him as that in this post.

Hope it's clear now... Shane. X