The Classifieds: Wants & Needs


There are some things I want to say and some things I need to say. There are some things I'll never manage to say and others I'll never try to say. The differences are immense. What follows is an introduction of sorts to a new series of posts which I have planned for Memoires. In its nothingness it explains a lot... maybe even why I needed a break from this place and maybe why I couldn't write here even if I had wanted to. Tonight, for the first time in months I wrote my way through the death of an evening. The words I wrote came out something like this...


I want to write of dark hair, strange perfumes, obsessions, orgasm and death. I need to write of these things. Of tragedy, and violence, and poverty and tremendously poor love and even poorer lovers. I need to write of the rooms I've killed myself in, and the people who've watched me die for entertainment because we'd sold the TV. I want to write of the pillows that I've wet with tears, the beds I've burnt with cigarettes and passion, the walls I've decorated with paint and blood. I need to write of why I'd be a terrible father and why I'd be a great father and why I'll never be a father. I want to write historical love letters and explain to beautiful people why sex made me vomit and it was ME and not them. I want to tell the world of the little shop owner and how he orders chocolate just for me, and how my French is good enough to get what I need and bad enough not to get the rest. I want to write of why I painted the bookcase orange, and then black and then pink all in the same day... Of why I loved my shoes this morning and hated them this afternoon. I need to write of why I say "I wouldn't change a thing" and then change them all the time with words. I want to report back the people who'll misunderstand that last sentence, who with all their two thousand years of collective stupidness will confer and declare my life a scam. I want to tell you of the young, almost beautiful Albanian beggar girl who sits out on the Rue des Augustins, and how every forty five minutes a man visits her, changes the baby over and empties her of money. Of how when he thinks no-one is looking he'll turn a good twist of whiskey down his throat, and how when he thinks no one is really, REALLY not looking he'll land a solid kick around the back of her ribs. I want to tell you of the automat video machine and how the perverts come early in the morning so as they can rent films without the annoyance of having to shop for porn with someone peeking over their shoulder. How that happened to me once and I ended up arriving back home with 'Finding Nemo' and wanking over a fish. I need to write of all those crazy things I do, stuff that makes me certifiably insane and then argue just why I'm not. I want to explain why I sometimes piss in the shower and why my computer is full of viruses, bad writing and watersports porn. I need to write of why I cry for London and how I have reoccurring nightmares of my mother dying and me never having got back to see her. I need to write about life. I want to talk about death. I want to draw words with wings and let them fly away...

-----

Memoires of a Heroinhead Part 3... The Deaths Head Moth...

A new series of posts 

Coming Soon... X


59 comments :

Spindrift said...

The life of Shane, I'm sure for me there will never be anything more interesting than reading of someone looking at their own life. With your writing skills and bent on things I'm sure readers are going to be in for something special. Best to you Shane, Paul

dirtycowgirl said...

Welcome back.

Been reading Bubblegum, but this is the blog I love above all others. For it's content, that is SO well written, and because it introduced me to you Shane, and inspired me to start my own.

ps re Nemo, which bit was the money shot ?

Can't wait to read more.

david said...

SHANE, i know it's over oops thought this was "MORRISSEY/SOLO for a sec. My two tumblrs are worthy of your lizzard gaze - http:/iloveagenre.tumblr.com and its nasty halfbrother Dial-a-Lad, music and physical culture culled from anatomy sites from all over the globe. My livejournal, God save my compulsive soul, is authored by 'davidbuch5' and will be rural raunch and reason, kind of a queer Thomas Hardy with Angus Wilson thrown in. Enjoy.

david said...

Shane, as I lie on my sofa this week, my postop left arm throbbing in unimaginable hydrocodone-softened pain, I wish you well and direct you to my new tumblr iloveagenre.tumblr.com ( try finding its halfbrother Dial-a-Lad. Lad has more nudity per page than Chinahas white but it's difficult for the usual browsers. Also, my davidbuch5 LiveJournal will launch in a few days. love, take care dearie

JoeM said...

I want to write of why I painted the bookcase orange, and then black and then pink all in the same day... Of why I loved my shoes this morning and hated them this afternoon. I need to write of why I say "I wouldn't change a thing" and then change them all the time with words.

Some of your best sentences yet!

More Memoirs would be great. And I also want to find out why Bubble Gum’s Ransack lost his memory. And what the Lyon Postit note nutcase is doing now…

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

Hiya Spindrift... Well I'll try not to disappoint, but as it wasn't so long ago I advertised Part 2 and then never a wrote a single word of it I'm not sure my promises about what's 'Coming Soon...' really mean very much anymore. But that's now a kind of running joke with this place... I never manage to do what I say...

But maybe this time I will... X

Wildernesschic said...

Shane .. never worry about wanking over a fish.. I am sure that is what my husband does in the dark over his pond..
I love this post.. I am slightly mad.. I can repaint something or dye someones hair .. or my own three different colours in a day.. or cut I love to cut things hair can be obsessive until it is so short there is nothing left to cut.. apart from that last little..
I love your observations on life and people .. You are probably one of the most interesting people I have never met.. but some advice .. get back to London to see your mum xx

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

David, your comments are beginning to look suspiciously like SPAM. I think people have learnt that when a writer has to recommend him/herself it's never a very good sign. I've only ever discovered writers myself or through others recommending them, but never have I discovered a good writer through him telling me so. If you want to have people click across to your work then you should write a nice coherent comment and one that shows your 'genius' off. People will then naturally wonder who you are and click across themselves. Once they've done that it's them who'll tell you if it's good or not - not the other way around.

Anyway, forget that nonsense, I hope you're well within yourself... though to me you seem a little lost, and a lot bitter and jealous about something. You tried to offend me on Bubblegum and you pulled the lowest trick ever last year leaving that nasty,resentful anonymous comment on Horse Meat. I'm a man of loyalty David... no other relationship or friendship interests me.

Look after yourself David... X

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

DirtyCowGirl, Hiya Darling! X

Bubblegum is still finding itself and I'm still feeling around in it for exactly what I want to do. That place will change quite a bit and after six months it'll feel very different reading through it then than it does just now. It's also not a place of comedy but a mixed bag of stuff. And where people can click over there now and read about some farcical forensic work, tomorrow they'll go across and find some very serious piece about domestic violence or politics or disease. So Bubblegum can really suffer from the 'moment' and it always will.. but that's why I created it, to allow myself space to write about all and everything and also as a chance to write from other POV's and create and build characters.

I've a lot to say, but I've not got the time right now. I'll update this answer in a day or so as I'd like to explain of how restricting Memoires is and also that only about 10% of my life is relevant subject matter to be written about here.

You'll have to be a little patient... Love & Thoughts, Shane. X

Anonymous said...

welcome back Shane!
How have you been since we last spoke?

again, another well written text! Everytime I read a post of yours it's sound like I'm reading a lyric...what you write as a melodie to it, a rhythm! I don't know if I'm making myself clear...

anyway, keep writing, it only does good for you, doesn't it? :)

stay strong and safe,
kiss,
V

PS: I'm going to send you something by email.
oh and have you heard what is going on in London? The riots and everything? it's awful! :/

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

Hiya Joe, the Memoires thing will happen this time. Where I've been writing other things of late I've began to naturally feel the urge to write here again and have at least six nice posts sketched out.

Writing on Bubblegum will also continue and all that's started will get finished. After that I want to try and post each short in a oner... two parts at the most, rather than have a running series of posts. I'm just a little pressed for time these days and it's hard to fit everything in.

One of the things I don't really speak about here is work, but I do work (daily) and have always done (after the first year) since arriving in france. I do however use the system and here you accrue unemployment benefit at 80% of your wage. If you work 6 or 12 months you can then have 6 or 12 months of unemployment, and so I do that. WFJ was written during 11 months of unemployment I had accrued from 2009 and so I had much more time to write then and daily posting was possible. I'm also very lucky in that I mostly work alone and so can take the laptop in each day and write while I'm working. There is someone to thank for intentionally putting me in that position, but I won't do it publicly.

Speak again soon Joe... probbaly over on BG as I'm due to post there any day soon... X

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

Hiya Ruth,

Oh I don't worry... it's better than masturbating over inanimate objects - something I've never got. Like those men who wank over stones, or dishclothes or bottloes of Fairy liquid, wtf??? For me if its not got eyes it's an automatic no-no... er,although there was once that sea sponge, but I was drunk and it meant nothing!

Getting back to see Mum... it's not easy with the outstanding warrants that are out on me. So going through the airport is a risky thing because if I'm so much as stopped for a general check I'm arrested and wouldn't be given bail. I don't really want to go to prison for one or two years just now... I don't think I ever will. Prison isn't certain. With everything taken into consideration I could possibly (if lucky) get a suspended sentence, but if I'm unlucky I could get 5 years. I am working a fix around it though... and hopefully I'll soon be able to travel back as a different person. There's also talk of my mum coming here for a while. She's just sorted her passport out and so I suppose when I'm generous enough to buy her a ticket she'll post a few rocks of crack across and then fly over after it! That's just a joke... she's clean actually, hasn't touched anything for over 3 years now. She's still on methadone but has gone right down to the lowest dose one can be on before stopping altogether. It'll be just her luck to get clean after 45 years and then snuff it in the same week.

Oh well, the police should find this comment quite interesting... but it's not for them, it's for you, so I hope you enjoy it too.. X

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

Hiya Vanessa, the writing (unless someone buys it) doesn't help me, no. I never write out of a need to purge myself, and writing is never cathartic for me. In fact writing is a chore and I don't enjoy the process at all. What I enjoy is the end product, what exists after it's been redrafted, when it reads well and I know that no-one else could ever have written it the same.

No, I wasn't aware of what was going on in London. The last thing I ever do with the news nowadays is take any notice of it. I wouldn't say it's 'awful' though... I'd say it's awful that a community has been pushed to do that. It's not easy for a city to riot(or for people to make a stand per se). Try getting together even five work colleagues to visit the company director (just to talk and air their problems) just that is very difficult. So it's a mighty strong force that brings people together on the streets and leads them to become violent and loot and burn down their own community - it means there is something VERY seriously wrong. It takes a lot to make people act in that way. Communities up and down the country don't just suddenly become possessed with violence, they're driven to it. So it's awful that people have had to riot to be heard.

Still, with all that's happened in Britain over the last ten years I'm really not surprised. I think it's the consequence of a gradual build of events and police policy going right back to the rushed and ill-thought out laws passed just after 9/11 and then the ridiculous Terrorism Act of 2005/06. Add to that shootings of unarmed civilians, a stop-&-search policy which targets asian and black people, 300+ mysterious deaths while in the 'safety' of police custody, etc... I'm only surprised it didn't happen sooner and on an even larger scale.

Ok, I await your 'something by email' and we'll speak again soon... All My Thoughts, Shane X

John said...

Howdy Shane.

Good to see the return of Memoires; I like most of your work, WFJ is something I revisit regularly and pimp to everyone I can, but Memoires is for me the best writing you've produced. The pace, the honesty, the grimness, the way you bring a tarnished and dirty beauty to the grot and the horror of our lives and deaths makes this your finest work in many ways. It documents a hidden world and does so articulately and with passion.

I've only got access to my mobile now, and I'm still dealing with accommodation and legal issues, but I promise to finish my mail to you soon. I'm also definitely going to take advantage of the kind offer that you made to me.

Speak soon, and keep on keeping on,

John x

John said...

I don't know if I ever told you of this, and I think David might be interested. I have a close Nigerian friend. He said he was going to cook a traditional Nigerian meal for me. I was dead chuffed so I dressed up a bit, got round there and found Ngburungu in his finest outfit, accompanied by his wife.

I'm quite foody, so I was really very excited. We sat down, and he served the dinner up. It was very simple food, and abundant in quantity. Sadly though, it was unpleasant and very unenjoyable.

It turns out the traditional Nigerian offering is a load of Spam.

J x

JoeM said...

I always thought there were more Memoirs to come. I mean you mention casually that you would watch TV to shut out your mother's madness - and that could be a post in itself. And you do that a lot!

If you work 6 or 12 months you can then have 6 or 12 months of unemployment

Oh that's what the UK was like pre-Thatcher! And you got a tax rebate into the bargain. When I was at uni you got unemployment benefit and housing benefit for the half year you weren't at uni as well as a bursary (free - no loans in those days). I managed to stay unemployed after uni for 5 years, so it was 10 years off work.

If anyone thinks that the poor playing the system is wrong, then tell it to the rich with their tax breaks and dodges. The top earners have seen their incomes rise by massive amounts since Thatcher/Reagan. Where we are now in terms of unfair spread of wealth is where we were in the 1920s before the crash. Which is why we're all fucked. Again.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

This is beautiful, as are you. And you're no more crazy, and probably much less so, than Average Joe with his stupid office job and kids and mortgage. Besides, I think any human being who lives past the age of 30 has got to be crazy to survive this shitty life.

I love you, you know. You are my soul brother.

SB

Anonymous said...

Hi Shane, I'm one of those "strangely fascinated by junkies" persons since I'm a Pharmacy student and pretty much know all the active principles. I'd be delighted if you could answer some of these questions:

1) Something that fascinates me is the "junkie stare". Everyone I've seen in photos just looks like they've lost their soul, the life-force, the very thing that makes them human. It reminds me A LOT (not joking) of a typical Zombie, in the sense that they are empty shells just looking for brains (in this case, heroin). Why do the eyes change like that?

2) I also read that you were clean for 5 months. Given that the physical withdeawal usually lasts for only a few weeks, why did you take H again instead of trying to start again? I have an uncle who did H 20 years ago, then he got basically locked in a rehab facility for 4 years and got ok. Hasn't touched it (and I think never will) again for all this time, and although he is a normal guy now with a job, family, etc, I can't help but feel that sometimes there's a profound sadness in his eyes. Does heroin take away the joy on living forever, knowing that there's nothing like it?

3) Finally, given your absolutely fantastic writing skills, could you write a description on what the first shot is? (I've heard the "like an orgasm muliplied by 1000" but that doesn't tell me much honestly). Excuse me if I'm being too morbidly curious.

Thanks, and keep well Shane!

liloosjournal said...

I really love your writing. You really put in words a lot of thing that I wonder in my head, but that I don't have the ability to express it like you. I look forward to read these future post.

liloosjournal said...

I really love your writing. Often I read you and it's like you have the ability to put in words a lot of thing that I wonder In my head but that i can't express like you do. I look forward to read your next post...

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

Hiya Anonymous Pharmacy Student,

Eye's don't change, it's you who changes and sees things which aren't there. If I showed you ten photo's of people who are not addicts, but told you they are, you'd see that same 'dead' stare which you talk of. It's exactly the same thing as people who think they can see 'death photos'... that weird deathly aura in pictures of people who are dead. But we see that only once we are told they are dead. The same thing as we can see 'AIDS' in people we are told have the disease. But actually we can only see it because we are looking for it. If it was the case EVERY addict would be arrested the moment they set foot in the street as the police would just send detectives out looking for the 'zombie' look. No, it's your own mind seeing that. I guarantee you, on the streets you pass addicts every day and most of them you'd just never know. Go and sit in a methadone clinic for a day and on first appearance mark down: 'Who works there', 'Who's there for treatment' and 'Who's a non-using visitor'. The results will surprise you. I know, as these are exactly the things I do while I'm waiting for my treatment. It's also interesting how you see that 'zombie look' in addicts but not in terminally ill cancer patients who are on morphine/diamorphine (heroin addicts) for the last month/years of their lives. It's a very common psychological illusion and maybe if you're a pharmacy student you should pop along to the Psychology Dept and ask the students there to explain this phenomena. I'm sure they'll be able to explain it better than me... although they'll say exactly the same only in academic words. If you still think you can see the 'zombie' in addicts, well, that's your business and I can do nothing but tell you that in five years time, when you've that experience, you'll remember what I've said and realize how informed it was. No-one can see addiction by looking at it.

Your second question tells me you're quite naive around addiction, or why addicts use, and even how different heroin is and the heroin user is to all other drug users (except people on anti-depressants/tranquillizers etc). That's in no way an insult or a negative thing to say, it's positive, as to not know of it means you've not been around it first-hand and that's a good, not a bad thing. Heroin is not a fun drug and people don't use it to dance or to go out partying. It's normally used so the user can come to terms with his/her immediate life (though why they're still using 5 years later is a very different thing). Heroin users don't use heroin to die; they use it to live. That's something everyone misunderstands and gets confused about. So heroin doesn't make life 'great', it makes life bearable... that's why the majority of us use it or started using it.

(cont'd below)

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

Orgasm x 1000 is a really clichéd term. I know junkies do say that but it's more that a quick, chuckaway answer but not in any way a realistic one and only goes to propagate further the myths. The first shot of heroin is probably the worst you'll ever have... it's a scary thing. Sticking something under your skin and into a vein, the vessels that feed your organs with blood and oxygen... the route to blood borne diseases... the route of instant death, is a frightening thing. So the first shot is often a tense affair. You imagine being nervous and trying to enjoy sex.... you can't... your minds preoccupied by other things. So again, it's a huge myth about the first shot... it's usually a scary thing. The great effect of heroin doesn't come in the shot, it comes via the relief ofwhat you feel when you take that shot. The more out of sorts or depressed or anxious you are, the better the shot will be... because you have more to be relieved about. The less stress you have the less you'll feel, as you've not so much to be numbed against.

The best way I can describe what heroin does is this: imagine a loved one is in hospital undergoing a life or death operation. It's touch or go. You've been warned to expect the worst. As the operation could take between 2 and 5 hours you're told to wait it out at home and the hospital will phone through with news. You sit waiting, so nervous you can't even cry... your body cannot take liquids or foods. You sit like that waiting, and you know that even when the phone does ring that it's 90% chance of tragic news. You wait, staring at the phone, willing it to ring. You're so nervous that ANY news will do... even bad news. But no matter what... no matter how tense and nervous you are, the phone doesn't ring. You begin to wonder if the hospital has forgotten you... lost the number. Should you phone them? The tension is building... building... building. Suddenly the phone RINGS! The receiver is in your hands.. to your ear. There's a voice, it's gonna be bad news... you've been warned of that. But the voice doesn't sound so serious and it's telling you “it's good news... he's survived and is gonna be just fine!!” It's right there, what your body feels at that moment, what a shot of heroin is like. It makes the world seem OK, and allows you to cry and get on with life. It relieves the build up of hurt, or trauma or depression or nervous energy.... and it relieves it in a click of the fingers. It's not like sex at all... it's more like taking a big shit.

Anyway, I hope that what I've said has helped in some small way. As is forever the case there'll always be some addict who jumps out the closet and disagrees with everything and says they use to party and their first shot was the best they'd ever had and that it literally made them climax... that now they're forever chasing that “initial high”. It's up to you who you take notice of....

All My Thoughts and Wishes, Shane. X

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

John, I haven't forgot you mate... just it's not a quick response I'll make and so you'll have to be a tad patient... X

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

Hiya Liloo... why, well thank you Mademoiselle et Bienvenue chez Memoires d'une Tête de l'heroine...

I've nothing more to say, and it goes like this:

"... ... ... ... ... ..."

X

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

Hiya SB...

You're right, it's a shit world, but if we can catch a hold and hang onto one of them large, solid turds as they flush around the u-bend, we can still have some fun. That's to say: it doesn't have to be a shit life.

You take care and My Love Returned, Shane. X '

Paul Curran said...

Wonderful piece Shane. I'm always eager to see what you do next, whatever that is.

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

Hiya Paul, that always means a lot coming from someone I consider a great writer like yourself. I'm absolutely certain that something is gonna break for one of us soon... I can sense the sharks sniffing out the meat.. X

Gina said...

I love your writing Shane and look forward to reading more, as always. Hope u are well, or as well as one can be. Much love. Gina.x

P.S. Have just finished 'digging the vein' and really enjoyed it. Thanks for the recommendation. Now I need to pay some of my credit card off so I can order 'down and out on murder mile'!
Also just bought 'Junky' by William Burroughs. It only arrived this morning so I've not started it yet but it comes highly recommended so I'm looking forward to putting my feet up and having a good old read! Take Care.xxx

piggyinthemiddle said...

Come on then,let's hear it?

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

Piggy In The Middle... You just have... did you miss it? That was it I'm afraid... more of a Mayfly than a Deaths Head Moth...

Part4: Haemorrhoids of a Heroinhead

Coming soon...

(Oh God... more scat talk. And I'm really not into that... I promise!)

Lex_Lurker said...

Hello Shane, i've been reading you for over a year and agree with what you say to paul about --something is gonna break for one of us soon --
i'm not sure exactly who you refer to but i'm sure that one day we'll see the writing on here in bookshops, & if i'm honest am surprised it's not already the case. have you ever tried to get published? i'm convinced you'd have no trouble. if i had the means i'd publish you & i'm sure many other readers feel the same.
looking forward to what's to come. (Lex)

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

Hiya Lex and Welcome...

Some of those who I refer to you can find on my sidebar, or by having a look under 'Favourite Books' on my profile under My Profile. There, amongst some more well known writers, you'll also find Online Writers and Lesser Known Writers. And I've not done that just to be different or because some of those people have become personal friends... I included them because I think that some of the best literature and writers are at the moment knocking stuff out for free online, and just because they've not been formally recognised by a publisher or picked up by an agent means nothing... I don't need the nod of these people, or the writer having had received a fat cheque, as proof that what they do is valid. I trust my own judgement and will be first to tell the world when I find it. If you want blog or site addesses for any of the writers just ask and I'll direct you over to their stuff.

Publishing... Me. No, as of yet I've not really tried to have my work put between covers... but there has been quite a bit of interest in my work, and some very interesting people have contaced me asking about it. Nothings come to fruition yet, but it's a very encouraging thing as I don't believe it's so common that agents or prospective publishers go to the writer - it's usually the other way around. So that that has happened, and not just the once, is very flattering and encouraging (even if as of yet it has come to nothing).

I have a good feeling for the future... All the slogging away I've been doing online over the past two years has served to make the idea of writing for a living a real possibility. But we'll see... Tomorrow is a notoriously unreliable place.

All My Thoughts, Shane. X

Gledwood said...

Painting the bookcase 3 colours in the same day? Had you forgotten powder blue ~ in Bed & Breakfast with magnolia written into the contract. Thankfully I had neither paint nor a pickaxe handy that day. Because if I hadn't have painted the walls I'd have knocked them down. I had this vivi fantasy that a magic rabbit inhabited my inner walls. A rabbit harbouring a million pounds cash in mixed notes...
And if you're wondering why I go into such chaos it's BECAUSE I STOPPED TAKING HEROIN EVERY DAY AND RELY ON METHADONE AND BANG!! MENTAL BREAKDOWN AHOY. I'm just glad I'm more manic than depressive, otherwise I'd probably top myself... Fucking methadone clinics. The very fact it is called a methadone clinic not a Heroin Treatment Clinic, because the ONE effective therapy is denied us... that speaks more volumes than you and I could write in ten lifetimes...

DXF File said...

Hi Darren,
Are you a professional writer? You're posts are very interesting.
Your blog is like the best magazine for me. Keep writing...
Thank You!

id said...

oh what a great post, i wanna hear every on eof those stories! and i sometimes piss in the shower too, haha. i first did it as kind of a timesaver thing, instead of having to use the toilet, flush and wait for the toilet to refill before i turn the shower on, i just get to hop right in. now i think i just do it because i found out i can. but possibly there's more to it than that.

Paul Curran said...

Cheers, Shane. Ha, ha, ha, Sniffing at the Tailpipes of Hell.

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

Hiya id... thanks for your comment and the detail, but I think everyone is misunderstanding that line. I didn't mean I piss in the shower when I'm taking one! It meant I sometimes literally just go and piss in the shower instead of the toilet! Now I bet you don't do that! hahha X

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

Hey thanks Paul! Box the Jesuit, was you in that band? I like them. I didn't know who they were and it took me all afternoon to get the lowdown on them (as much as exists online!) It seems really my scene and has that same feel as what was happening in New York around the time of the Heartbreakers, etc... or just following that of the early Nick Cave/Blixa Bargeld stuff. I can smell the musty piles of clothes from here.

Any reason other than for me to have a listen you posted that? Ifd there's a bigger agenda let me know and we can put alittle post together for Memoires. X

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

Hiya Gledwood... Well you always seem pretty sane to me. I think to be conscious of how you're feeling or to have remembered how you felt is a good thing. Buty one thing I don't get: how would have painting the walls have got the rabbit and its booty out?

And one other thing: how d o you know there's not a rabbit behind there sitting on a mountain of cash? Go on.... knock the walls down, it's the only thing for it!!! X

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

DXF,

Hiya and thanks. I understand why you called me Darren,but I'm not him.. I'm Shane. This is just one of the blogs which Darren likes and is under his profile.

Paul Curran said...

Hiya Shane, glad you liked it. Thought you might. Just came to my head when you mentioned sharks sniffing. No, I wasn't in them, although played in the same scene around Sydney in the late 80s and early 90s but no agenda although there was a lot of heroin (hmmm). Yeah, there's not much online. You probably came across Black Eye Records Jukebox that puts stuff up sometimes. I did a post about it on DC's a few years ago. Love to you.

Gledwood said...

No it wasn't painting it was pickaxeing I was up for. Only thing I had for wall-demolishing was a butterknife, so it would have been very slow and anyway I was so excited the slightest distraction would have had me on some other project. I spent hours and hours and hours, 21 and a half hours a day in fact, just pottering about spending huge amounts of energy doing nothing. I did a lot of dancing to rave music in the name of "cleaning".

Yes I really wanted and still do want powder blue walls. You know that kind of blue for a boy baby blue I would so love a blue home with either yellow or green or even purple furniture toning against it...

I have had a good poke in every nook and cranny in case a drug dealer ever left his stash here (you can but hope). I HAVE found stashes of heroin amounting to a half ounce. Yes I know this sounds like a damn junkie fantasy-lie but I was there. I won't repeat the story as nobody will believe me. It took me years to realize I was taken for a liar whenever I told about my drugs find but that's how I got ON heroin, by finding enough to use it every day for weeks on end without going through the horror of scoring. Bear in mind I'm very middle class, straight laced and shy at heart, so cavorting with street criminals really wasn't my style. It was so obvious I was out of my depth it hurt! I had tried heroin when I found this stash but it was a once every few months thing. I scored via the local junkies who were of the crustie school not the shoplifter school and were about a hundred times more trustworthy. As I got older I asked myself what was wrong with me because the shoplifters never treated me like one of their own; it's basically written all over me that I'm not one of them. I turned to begging for exactly the same reason the crusties did it. Really it was because I hated stealing. And of course the crusties had such an overpowering image (not to mention aroma, in some cases) that shoplifting was pretty much an impossibility unless they were there purely as decoy...

I'm glad I come across as sane. Personally I think this world is raving mad. And also it's a fair point, don't you think, that anyone who manages to live in this shitty world WITHOUT being addicted to drugs or driven crazy surely has something wrong with them... know what I mean?

I only got REAL problems when I tried to stop heroin. I honestly didn't realize what a mood stabilizer it was. Unfortunately it appears to have stopped working in this way; also I just do not feel any sort of rush from taking it. This has something to do with a body full of collapsed veins. But SHIT grade heroin has a lot to do with it too!

Gledwood said...

Hey I'm writing a book. I haven't started yet as I've not made the ceremonial purchase of Mitsubishi fineliners and blank paper yet (I always write first drafts on paper). But it's coming together swimmingly in my head ... and it's NOT ABOUT DRUGS. WOW!!!!

Anonymous said...

A short while ago I came across Memoires for the first time. I wound up sitting there all night reading every entry. Your blog is (almost) as addictive as dope ;] Heheh. Sometimes your words leave me speechless. I feel compelled to tell you (although, I'm sure you've heard this many a time,) that your writing is ominous, descriptive, honest, and so so SO beautiful! I absolutely cannot wait for more! <3 Nikki <3

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

Hiya John, sorry about the delay in replying but it was something I wanted to do with a little more time on my hands.

As you read keep in mind that this reply is to you but not concerning you. You are one of those who do take the time to follow my words about regardless of where I post.

---

I think what people will enjoy of my writing is what they can relate to best. It's not coincidence that many of the drug users don't visit my other writings, and those that do are either disappointed that it's not about smack or (like you) prefer what's on here. Having a preference over one work to another is fine, but I don't think it's at all correct to say that the writing on Memoires is superior to any place else... that's seeing the words but missing the writing. I have written all this stuff in the same period, using the same words, the same awareness and the same observations. I also use the same personal benchmarks when deciding if a piece is worthy or not of being posted online . I trust wholly in my own judgement as to the quality of my work and I know that anything I have posted on WFJ or BubbleGum I would have (and could have) posted here.

I know that the early posts on Memoires are not greatly written. There are some nice parts and some hints of what would come later, but they are not great pieces of writing. Later on, as I'm beginning to take writing more seriously and looking at and reading my words from other perspectives, the posts suddenly quadruple in length and improve drastically. But, still the best wriiting on Memoires is no greater than the best that is on WFJ or Bubblegum or Horsemeat... because they were all written and forged together, and I know just what a fine line it often is as to what gets posted where.

On that same note, many of the observations Tristram made while staring out his window or looking into space could have (and many have) ended up on Memoires:

My apartment is the same as Tristram's (the layout). Out back there is a silver birch tree. Out front and around the corner there are metal bins. As Tristram did, I very often spy and watch the postman (though I do it for a very different reason). Doctor Dennis... a fictional character or is he the same 'Dr Denis', my real life GP, who has turned up here on memoires a couple of times? There's a post somewhere where I say I “go to my doctor and speak about death and dying” – just as Tristram did. Verity, my best female friend during my years of addiction in London. Any description of her on WFJ could be copied and pasted straight into a Memoires post. Wanking when depressed... Tristram does that... but isn't it also written somewhere here as well??? (only it was much better expressed on WFJ). The neighbours... all pulled from various neighbours I've really had over the years... The single person microwave meals.... and there are literally thousands of other things too, and the way they were expressed in WFJ are of a quality that easily matches the best of anything on Memoires. I'd only ever be proud to post that stuff here too, and I know if I did, people would say: “... The pace, the honesty, the grimness, the way you bring a tarnished and dirty beauty to the grot and the horror of our lives and deaths makes this your finest work in many ways...” And I know that's what people would say because I already do post stuff that I don't use for other sites here (and vice versa). I think some of the writers most truthful stuff comes out when he's not writing as himself but through others. I'd say almost all of WFJ I could slightly change around and post here on Memoires. I'll do a small example later, just to show you what I mean.... and to show how suddenly the exact same words can be read very differently when put to what someone is looking for.

ctnd...

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

A great example of that would be Love Letters from the Gutter. Imagine me posting that writing here, but instead of someone hanging about for an estranged lover I wrote it as ME waiting in streets or cafés for my dealers phone to beep on, and while waiting I gave you my thoughts on everything from the waitresses to French life. Those exact same words I posted there you'd read very differently if they were within a memoires post.

Another thing that you may not realise is that I was more passionate writing WFJ than I ever was about Memoires. Memoires has always been a drag to write (for no other reason than it's very limiting). But WFJ I enjoyed the experience and had a lot of fun writing it. I would wake up early, go straight to my writing desk (the end of the bed)... and start getting my ideas for the day down. I couldn't get enough of it. I was able to talk of other things... things which Memoires is not about. Because NEVER forget: Memoires is ONLY about things which have a connection to heroin. If something happened like the time I saw a baby fall into the river... or when my friend was pushed in front of a metro train, and it plays no relevance to my smack addiction, then you'll not hear of it here. Same as my observations on council housing, workers, corporate Britain, accountancy lecturers, supermarkets, etc... that has no place here unless there is a heroin connection. And so what is on Memoires is only a very very tiny part of what I am and an even tinier part of what I have seen. So my thinking is, if someone likes my observations on the world of heroin (not because of heroin but because of the way it's told) they'll also like what I have to say about horse racing, or community living, or office relations, or the National Lottery, or the mentally ill, etc. You'll find nothing of all those interesting things here, because they are often not heroin related and so they do not get written about. I think people who only enjoy Memoires, most wouldn't know if they're reading a good writer or not (and even less would care). They're here for the word 'heroin' and the higher the 'heroin' word count the better the post will be for them.

If in my life I do leave a body of work it will not be about heroin or addiction, but will be about all the social things which surround these kinds of life. That is what Memoires is about. The posts always have a heroin relevance but they're rarely about heroin. I refrain from writing blatant heroinporn and stick more to the life surrounding it rather than the quite dull and boring centre of activity. Heroin, even if I'm an addict is a very small part of my life. I sleep more than I take heroin. I am out scoring for more hours than I take heroin. I write more than I take heroin. I breathe more than I take heron. I email more than I take heroin. I look at the world more than I take heroin. So my writings will be made of all these things. To write about going out to score would take a paragraph: It's a return journey. You go. Meet the dealer. Pay and come home. Deadly boring stuff! But what can be interesting about it is to describe what you saw on the way to the dealer... the old tribal marks on his face... what bike he rode... how he spoke... acted.... handed the bags over. It's those little things, the life inbetween which I write about – whether here or on another site through another person.

ctnd...

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

And if people think: Oh, but Memoires is better because it's the truth! Well, one thing I have learnt is that writing is never the truth, because the writer always decides how to express that and what atmosphere to invoke in it, and what sentiments to play one, etc. The facts may all be true, and everything that I write of on Memoires has happened, but there are various different ways I could tell the same story. For example, I decided on a darkly humourous piece of writing for the post of being caught shooting dope in my mothers bra. BUT, it wasn't humourous at the time and I could have written that from any number of different angles:

1)How low and pathetic I had become for the chase of the drug
2)The start of my fall from grace and deciding I needed to leave london
3)How sneeky I had become as a dope fiend... worming my way into positions which I could use to have daytime fixes.
4)From an angle of self-pity, writing on about how successful I could have ultimately have been if it wasn't for smack! Etc etc etc.

What is the truth? How would history remember that event independent of me? So there it is: nothing written with any style can ever be the truth, because the writer evokes within it an atmosphere that he wants to be associative of him. If you ever read my diary on first coming to France it was written from the point of view of an addict who was trying to quit and gradually learning to live (and enjoy life) in a new country without heroin. But it was written like that for a reason: I knew my partner was reading it and that's what I knew she wanted to hear. But all the concrete facts in it were true... it's still a truthful document of how I spent the first five months in france and how I passed each day. But in reality it is the most dishonest piece of junk I've ever written. It said nothing I ever wanted to say. So really all writing is fiction, because the writer must create the world that the facts play out in.

Ok.... that's enough and I've not even finished! But I think you'll get what i'm trying to say...

Hope you're well John... and when you're around please give me a recap on what 'kind offer' I made you? It stands anyway.... I'm just not quite sure what it is! hahaha X

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

Hiya Nikki and WELCOME! X

Thanks for all you say and thanks even more for all the time it must have taken going through my words.

There's a lot more coming and some posts I'm itching to write. Hopefully there'll be a new post very VERY soon... hopefully...

All My Thoughts, Shane. X

JoeM said...

I know exactly what you mean. It's weird, I never ever think of Memoirs as a heroin blog. It's always seemed very much just a starting point to other things.

Gore Vidal said:

You can only tell the truth in fiction. That's why we invented it.

Angelo said...

Just saw this. I been busy killing the very last vein in my body. It's gone now. Your a incredible writer dude.

Anonymous said...

wants and needs

i want to be fucked by you in a haze of hash and on a cloud of smack.....................................................

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

Hey Anom,

"i want to be fucked by you in a haze of hash and on a cloud of smack....."

Stare at the floor for 15 seconds, it'll be about as ecstatic.

Sorry to disappoint... X

Quicksilver said...

hi shane,
checked out your blog after so long and what a treat! i just love the way your words choose to flow. beautiful.
mine have just withered and died inside slowly and painfully. writing's become such a chore now and i;m tired of myself.
thanks for writing..it reminds me why i still love language.
best regards

trish said...

I wish I could hug you to show you how much I appreciate your work X

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

Quicksilver, if it helps writing is a chore for me also. I do not like the process and can think of a thousand other things I'd rather do with my time. But I write for the end result... the piece of art that remains when the blood and sweat have dried and the pen twiddling and boredom have long gone. It's what will be created and exist that pushes me on. I think there is nothing as beautiful as the right words in the right rhythm on the right night.

Walking helps me write. Walking through leaves... or gravel. Listening to things and sucking in the life. The Greeks used to 'walk to think'... I 'walk to write'. One day I'll write a road-book. It'll all be on one road. (No cross country trekking. But this road will be more fascinating than all of the desert and mountains and inbred hillbillies you can imagine. It'll be 'A Road Called Home'.

Shit, I'm not walking now and I'm thinking.... something must be badly wrong... X

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

Hiya Trish & Welcome.

Hug me? Oh, there's no need for that. Anyway, last time someone hugged me they crushed three of my ribs, punctured my left lung and broke my heart...

But that was Love... back in the day.

X

jdub said...

Such a great post!

quesoanejo said...

i fucking hate the fetishizing of heroin but your not bad. don't get it twisted - i love dope, but i thought you were full of shit until i read that line about letting life choose your death and not the other way around. i like that. i hope all is well. thanks and best wishes from philadelphia.

Ethan Smith said...
This comment has been removed by the author.