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Dear Tony... Your last mail found me broken. The ravages of heroin are nothing compared to the ravages of love. A broken heart will leave you looking like death overnight... I'm on my fifth day. God, I wish I had religion now. I've been wandering around looking for tall buildings to throw myself from. I seriously don't know what to do or where to go. My body reminds me of her.... that apartment and the city too. I'm living in a torture chamber. Words are utterly useless now.
My Wingless Love... I am walking through the remains of our city and war and remembrance and beautiful summer days blown apart by allied bombs are all in the air. Round the back, from some hall, floating through this strange mystique of time there comes music from another age. Happiness seems somewhere here, My Darling, but it's just out of reach. It always is. Your beauty is everywhere and is inescapable. God knows how I will survive... Or if I want to. I wanted to stroll around with you forever. I wanted a lifetime of your comfort and sexuality and kindness. It is the 12th of July 2013 and once again I am in ruins.
- - - -
...and
tragedy is unpreparable, she gives no advance warning or sign. The birds don’t
scatter from the trees and the dogs don’t cower or run for cover. No,
when tragedy arrives she blows in on a calm and silent wind, and it’s
very similar to the one that's blowing right now...
The Drunken Boat is back....
Tragedy Comes on a Calm Wind Part 2 will open the summer prospectus of tragedy....
Soyez prudent mes amis, this world is a cruel and merciless place. X
38 comments :
have the comments disappeared or is it just me ? must be me :-)
any way i dropped in to say that i love the part where you say "...and tragedy is unpreparable, she gives no advance warning or sign. The birds don’t scatter from the trees and the dogs don’t cower or run for cover."
Thanks Shane
P.S im a bit of a writer myself and i get comments about how unpreparable or similar words arent real , to which i say fuckem , if you understyand what the word is trying to say then its a real word, especially in this prose setting i believe :-)
Shane, I hope this is just a fictional piece of beautiful writing and you haven't had to go through this. Its really sad if its true and no amount of literal support will do you good. Still, you will be in my thoughts.
This has been posted thrice. Is it some error?
Hey Oyzz, I removed the comments for personal reasons but I'll be putting them back up this evening. It was necessary to avoid causing some confusion for someone close to me.
Oh, unpreparable is a word. The test here is if 'unprepare' is a word then 'unpreparable' certainly is. If however 'unprepare' isn't a word then neither is 'unpreparable'. Unprepare is a valid word... just. I know because when I wrote that sentence I rechearched the validity of it myself. Though even if it had have turned out not to be a valid word I'd have still used it. As writers we have the freedom and also an obligation to change and adapt and modify language to our own means. Language would be pretty useless if we couldn't screw around with it. I would much rather use a word that doesn't exist but is understood by all than a word that exists and no fucker knows what it means. But I get what you was saying and agree with you.
Hope you're well Oyzz... Love and Thoughts, Shane.
Hey Absolut Ruiness... thanks for your words. I'm a little stuck to reply at the moment as everyone reads into my words differently and some things can upset people. I'm very lonely here but I'm OK. As you know from my writings I've felt exiled and alone here for some years now but it really gets unbearable in this time and the city begins to haunt me. I really feel that these are my last days... that I'll somehow not see the end of the year. I hope not, but there is something in the air...
X
Shane, im glad your alive. But what is this tragedy? Does this mean this person died? Im so sorry. Dont throw yourself from any buildings tho, you have to keep writing.
Oh good I love a good Tragic Romance.
Though I truly think I've had my share of them. It used to be all I lived for. But even though the birds don't scatter and the dogs don't cower I can see it coming a mile off now and generally amble away before I catch the virus.
I hope you get a cure or at least a painkiller soon.
(I think you once said that Heroin isn't a painkiller).
You say you wish you had religion. This here is religion, if you mean some spirituality. How did I find you, or you me? I believe in God, you can too, but it's not a requirement for our common bond. There's some kind of love going on here, deeper than relationship love. I was raised to believe. Though I've abandoned the flavor of religion. I've gained the banquet of spirituality.
Please, take some. There's plenty.
Look around you. Look for the signs that there is more. I've known the pain of heartbreak. I've known the pain of withdrawal. I'm still here, those pains are gone.
This too shall pass.
Hey Joe.... It's nice just to see your name. It's been way too long and so much has happened. I think I should stick to men in future as at least I don't get hurt like this.
Good Tragic Romance... You may just get your wish, though the post will probably be quite abstract where details are not so forthcoming.
I never see it coming... each time it hits me like machine gun fire. Maybe I think too much of myself and believe I can get away with everything, because looking back, always, I can see I'm an absolute nightmare to be with and ruin peoples lives and happiness. But while it's happening I only see the love... the arguments are nothing and are finished once they are over, only.... well, for my partner it always seems they build into a long list of crimes that are not forgotten and one day I go too far or ask for €200 too much and the lights finally come on and all hell breaks loose in their heads. It must be me. It must be something I do to encourage that... make people despise me so much.
But it's hard Joe.... I've not a single friend here in Lyon.
X
(No, heroin is a painkiller but doesn't cure all pain. For example it'd never take away a headache. But it is great for emotional pain, although this time, and it's been hard, I'm trying trying trying not to fall into that spiral of using to heal. If I do I'll lose everything within two months and then life will be completely impossible.)
God no don't stick to men – we're even worse!
Yes this too shall pass. You know that by now. I found (being a lot older) that the pain does go quicker the more you experience it. And I was the biggest obsessional romantic of all time.
Maybe this is God's way (hah!) of telling you to move from France. Maybe you could re-investigate a return back home. I know there's difficulties with that. But your mother would be a great help – unless you both become druggie enablers!
I relate to what you say – I've never intentionally went out of my way to hurt someone in my life (though I've been in relationships with more than one like that) but I seem to alienate people eventually for some reason. I shed friends/partners/work-mates/relations completely eventually and never have more than a small core of people I relate to.
I don't know, maybe it's them that have alienated me in the end.
If you want to wallow in Tragic Love you could read Patrick Hamilton, a brilliant writer of the 30s/40s/50s.
Hangover Square, Slaves of Solitude, Twenty thousand Streets Under the Sky – which was made into a great TV film by the BBC.And is on Youtube.
Twenty Thousand
There's a lovely poignant moment when the girl,Ella who unrequitedly loved the barman Bob silently looks at his replacement the first time he appears. There's so much in that silent look.
Thanks Joe... but to me you've always been someone so great and you'll always be, even if we don't speak so much away from here.
I almost fell in love with you while writing WFJ... waiting for your comments each day. Do you remember I even asked you for a photo but you kindly denied me! lol How mean!
Now I've laughed I can play my favourite card and move to utter tragedy and despair... and the day was that. I thought I'd get out and walk about but there are ghosts in this city and at just gone 1pm I broke down in the main square and just began crying. What a tourist attraction I was! People passed and looked and then I picked myself up and moped home and for a moment the world didn't seem at all real.
When I returned home I did the most crazy thing: I began mailing literary agents... but not asking for anything or sending any work, just abusing them. I've had one reply so far, she said:
Hi Shane,
You're wrong to begin with - why would agents possibly 'ban' writers from contacting us? How else do we find our authors? And I would never call writers lowlifes or scum - this is our business and we have nothing but respect for writers.
I'm afraid from what I see I don't like your writing, there are far too many obscenities and it's quite unpublishable, but thank you for giving me the opportunity to consider.
So yeah, it really does look like I'm not doing too well... X
Hey shane
Good to see your back
Hang on in there
"I'm afraid from what I see I don't like your writing, there are far too many obscenities and it's quite unpublishable"
Wow,really! I'm not a publisher, but your stuff is good and I have read enough shit to know that yours is better than most published stuff
Simon
Uh oh... I see tragedy #3433 coming your way! That part about sending abusive mails off to literary agents reminded me of MYSELF! I could have done that. Anyhow, take heed, your John has gone and just don't handle it as I did... you know: rope, toilet, goldfish down the bowl, etc.
Love Love Love, Tristram. X
What's happened Shane? I hope you'll be ok as we need your words even if they're sometimes few and far between. stay strong, buddy. you are strong!
Calder
Hey Calder... actually I'm not strong. It may seem that way because of what has passed through my life but infact I never overcame it just didn't fall to it. In fact I'm a very weak and vulnerable man. I am broken very easily. Finally that was the greatest unwanted consequence of my childhood, of wanting so badly my mother to stay and love me. X
Hey Genghis.... I'm not too glad I'm alive right now but I'll persevere. I'm not sure I want to speak of it just now but the next post will cover it. Just know I'm totally alone here in France... I've not a single friend or family member to hold. X
Anon, I am the least religious or spiritual person you'll ever cross... and I mean that sincerely and it has a huge weight to bear. But I can't believe in myths or spirits or other planes... it's just all garbage and nonsense, and more than anything else is our own way to have some kind of universal psychiatrist to turn to when real life or the fear of death gets too much.
I am of the earth, floating through what we call 'space' on what we call 'earth' but is probably something very small of something very large which we cannot and will never be able to see.
There is no saviour and there is no afterlife... in a way there is only the pain of living. One philosopher once said: the only choice is suicide or not.
X
Hey Simon... thanks man, and thanks for sticking around. I think she was referring to my email (judging it as a piece of writing) as that's all she had to go by. It was my Tristram Spencer moment of the day... waiting for more replies now. X
Tristram, I'd die to go back to writing you right now... everything was so perfect then. X
Good to see you back!
I'm not a religious person... never have been, never will be. I believe beauty is in the hows and not the whys. Have you seen Carl Sagan's 'Pale Ble Dot'. Its wonderful.
Us humans are an odd lot.
Hope your heart doesn't stay broken too long Shane... Harriett x
Good to have you back, Shane. I've been a bit late with this comment, but here's hoping this post is the first of many Heroinhead missives x
Hey Ben... Great to see you and I hope all's well. I'll send you an email later to catch up... there's so much to tell that i'm not sure the 25mb space limit which Gmail allows us will be sufficient! X
Shane, I'm not sure what's happened in your life, but I thank you for writing about it.
Your publishing person was a bitch and a fool for not wanting to give your words ink and paper. What is literature if not a home for all range of experiences? Keep trying. I promise you will find your literary "home."
I'm glad of all your new words, and your comments. Your vowels and consonants are narcotic in some way. They are a balm to me. Please keep it up.
Thanks again,
Chef Green
Shane keeps writing
'Bout mind-ghosts fighting
And dead souls biting
While strange eyes sight him
And his words touch them
Though they don't know him
But his words keep flowing
And the world keeps going
And the world keeps going
And the world keeps going
I'd post anonymously too if I wrote verse like that. I know who you are anyhow... DOCTOR. X
Hey Shane,
At last I can comment as I'm in the library and my damned phone has been playing up and sending all comments to nowhere...totally forgotten what I wrote before, but hope you're well and looking forward to the next Memoires post.
I hope you're feeling better now than you describe.
As for agents who feel overwhelmed by the greatness of your writing; keep on keeping on; the right publisher will know you're worth the imagined risk. Love, long life and success, Vee X
Sorry you're going through such a terrible time. It's so crushing when dreams of your whole life are torn away. Not going to give you some "plenty of fish in the sea" cliche. Maybe a good random fuck would help :)
Love your last comment Shane! As sharp as ever... as sharp as you are.
I just add something I thought interesting about the word "Ok". If you don't know about it, I've read somewhere (can't remember where) that it comes from the US army during Vietnam war. Every night after fighting, the army were counting the dead. When no one was killed, they wrote "OK" in capital letters, meaning "zero killed" - "0-Killed"...
Wish you all the beauty and happiness from this world. X
Hey Anon...
I know that story... Someone I love very much told it to me many years ago, by mail, as I worked my job in London. God, I'd like to go back to them days now... We'd meet every few months in a little hotel in London and be so fucking sad (but happy sad)when we had to part. Her history is in these writing's here... in me: she's help keep me alive all these years. X
This is cool!
she's a lucky girl...
Anon, and you're an unlucky and bitter Welsh fuck. Seems you've had a bad experience, lol... you deserve all the shit and misery life brings you.
Now, you're even gonna stay and suck my cock or fuck off back to your bitter rarebit hole.... the choice is yours... XXX
I realise that came across very sarcastic over the internet, but it wasn't meant to be. I was very drunk last night... I apologise.
I really do feel shitty about that comment... in my drunken mind what I wanted to say was 'she was lucky to have had you'. In a sober state I would have commented neither... I know how insensitive I must have come across. Badly worded and regrettable. Truly sorry.
Oh, don't worry anon... It's no problem if it came over wrong... Its not always easy to know in short comments, etc. But really don't worry... It's already forgotten. X
ps: i'm not sûre anyone is lucky to have me in their life...
Well, I know I'm lucky to have found your writings... everyone is appreciated by somebody x
Woke up this morning thinking strongly of you . . . I can't remember my dreams today but I have a feeling you were there. Are you there? Sending love to you Shane x x
Hey BL, I'm here/there wherever it is I finally wash up. People disappoint me so terribly in this life.... and always the people you really held out hope for and invested worlds in. Loyalty and commitment are dead ideals... the corporate mentality has hitched a ride home on the workers backs and has now entered domestic life. That may not make much sense to you but it's to say that someoàne who works in the financial sector wants a smart suit besides them, a continuation of the office pretence, not an anti-corporate, left-wing junkie fuck-up with just words and a heart to exist on. It's the price I pay and have always paid and it's a very heavy price when all you've got is not much of anything at all. X
Beautiful!
xx J
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