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All My Thoughts, Shane... X
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PS: A new Memoires post will follow in the next few days.... ... ...
7 comments :
This comment my well educated, properly articulated and thoroughly depraved friend is that doomed talk of, nah; whispers in the dark corners by the half-lings and underlings. I thought you different, I thought you uncorrupt-able by the dark magiks, by there sickly twisted metal boxes and signs saying "poke".
Somewhere in that lagoon of horrid internet games and schemes, among all those fat fucks idolizing there life every fifteen minutes with constant bombardment of useless status updates and trivial "selfies" is the key to what is wrong with our society.
Hello there from the deep dark black space of vancouver island my friend. Long time reader here, at least 6 months or so im cruised the shallow murky waters of your rampant word pornography and enjoy every syllable, every connotation. Your writing is deep, its so open hearted, thought provoking and how can I put it... "juicy!" Hahahha..
Just through your writing I almost feel like I know you, like I could I could reach out and touch you at times or sometimes I smell the faint smell of your fancy european cigarettes floating and lingering in the room around me, and the eerie chills of incoming withdrawal sickness caress me.
I can relate with you so much, and that is why I enjoy reading your rantings and ravings. Except your situation is much more unique as to what led to your "enlightenment". Upon saying that I wish to express my condolences for your biological father; makes you wonder sometimes what kind of fucked up world this place really is and the monsters that are man that populate it. The ensuing chaos that enveloped you and your mother sounds like enough sorrow and hurt to snuff out all but the brightest of lights, the strongest of will and soul.
But to live and carry on is what it is, you either do it or you don't. We all find our own ways to carry on, day by day, hour by fuckin shit stained hour..
I myself love the beautifully painted world seen through the eyes of heroin addiction. But for I it isnt just the Heroin, all of the opiate family I enjoy. its just.. always been there for me man. That warmth, that wonderful anti depressant almost. See when I was in junior high and high-school I was horribly, I guess not horribly but you get the gist. And that first time I found my fathers Tylenol 3's and look up that wonderful little drug called Codeine, I was in love.
It made me talkative, made me outgoing, heck made me the life o' the fuckin party mate! And I didnt get stupid and barfy like alcohol. And I could hide it, oh how I could hide it! No one would know that behind those pin pricked eyes was a large wave of euphoria washing over me minute after minute.
Flash forward 5 years and insert a long-term girlfriend and some high school chemistry education and I was synthesizing my own morphine in my basement. Amazing here in canada mate, so easy to buy Codeine from the pharmacy. Buy the required chemistry supplies as well. Take out the codeine with a wash of chloroform, isolate the codeine from the caffeine . Now apply some critical chemistry and transform your codeine into morphine! Its bigger brother, its stronger friendlier brother! Hahaha.
Fortunately this was about 4-5 years into my daily addiction at that point so rising costs and tolarences started affecting my work, resulting in few jobs losses. I was also buying and smoking heroin at this point, and the damn bastard that showed me that stuff and the dealer associated with it managed to mooch his way into my wallet.
Time came for the decision from my girlfriend who I was casually stealing from at times, I also mange to get her to smoke the H with me but she didnt know of my hidden addiction or how long it had been going on for.. Anyways she told me to choose the drugs or her..
Like its ever that easy eh? I tried man.. I tried as hard as I could but it wasnt any good man. Withdrawal turns any man, the strongest of men into a moaning mumbling sac of shit that will do anything and everything to rid himself of that cursed sickness. And my addiction cost me the love of a beautiful woman mate, that is still one of my more tender hurts... almost 4-5 years later I still kick myself about that. She was the longest relationship I ever had and longest one I believe I will have for a long time to come man.
Few years later I had grown tired of the tolerance, and the fear of needles finally gave way to the idea of IV. What was I missing I thought to myself, what lay just over that hill that I could read about but not understand? So I did it, did my research, studied hard. Got the equipment ready, cant believe I started that first time, heck I spent my first few months IV'ing with a 3 ml giant beast of a sharp. Until I found the beautiful little 1cc insulin sharps.. that was a nice upgrade. I was led to believe by others that morphine didnt have much of kick, I dont know if they were saying compared to H or what by man I do love that pringly rush of roaring warmth that sweeps over you when you drop that plunger on a good 50mg's of morphine. And oh boy, did I ever kick and scream in glee, in cataclysmal primordial esctacy the first speedball I did. That wonderful mix of good coke and heroin is ... unmatched anywhere in the universe I must say.
See I started my career in drugs as an Pyschonaut, in the pursuit of enlightenment through the use of psychedelics. Which I found a beautiful thing at the age of 18. The ego loss experienced at the hands of quad of LSD.. the near death experience I suffered with the strong governing hands of 1,200mg's of DXM. All served to show me things I had not seen or experienced before, the doors of perception had been opened. And not gently, they were kicked in mate! And the places they led me were beautiful, packed with insight and character building tools. Eye opening and allowed me to not judge others, not to judge anyone until I myself know what they have endured myself, I believe no one should judge what they do not know themselves!
Now a days I beleive I have strayed from my path as a pyschonaut mate, I have become tainted in the presence of too much heroin and morphine, my bodies natural receptors are off balance. All of me is off balance I feel. I feel homeo stasis must be sought once again for me to draw unbaised conclusions and see life for what it is. Not worrying day to day about keeping the demon on my back appeased.
I tried methadone a few years ago, was on it for a whole year. Went upto 100mg's a day. But I didnt like the idea of just trading in my addiction one for another, and the worst was it was a doctor not myself telling what dosage I could have day in, day out. Missing my daily dose once they cut the following weeks dosages in half and worked me back up. It was brutal. The methadone withdrawals and like 100x times worse then any of the opiods. K maybe not a hundred times.. but it was much worse I found.
I still had trouble kicking the damn shit when I was lowered to 10mg's and dropped cold turkey off that. I was glad I had my morphine to help ween me off. And as you can guess, it didnt work so well. Trying to ween off I just weened back into the morphine and it started back up again with a vengeance as If I had never left the girl.
But time has come man, Im tired of being broke. Of having track marks, of worrying what my friends will think. I have lost friends, jobs, apartments, girlfriends, almost lost my fuckin arm to an abscess! My health.. my sanity at times.
Hard to write when your nodding eh? I keep looking up and seeing the nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
key going on forever! Hahaha. Oh how I will miss you my old friends, my friends of chemical loath. I dont know what I Tell you this, or why I leave a word fucking essay for you to read mate. I just believe in you and would like you to understand a little about me and my journey thru this miserable
excuse of life some call reality. And maybe I can find strength throu reading of your exploits and undertakings. Maybe I can find solace with my addiction just by tuning in and absorbing your wise words. You know? Maybe eh?
I could also seek to chit chat with you a little and gain from your knowledge pool a better understanding of life and the mysterious going on's of our demons.
-Jason,
and the argonauts
Acid8000,
You sound like a firm believer in the absurdities and futility of life. All I could say last night was Camus, in a pain-ridden, life- loathingly sad way. Camus, after the philosopher, but for my little half Siamese white kitten. I think we already know (some) of life's meaning, it just doesn't add up...good, evil, reward, justice, etc, DEATH.
I will continue to worship my cats because they live life and know the unsaid truth. Hopefully we can let life live without the constant recognition of its absurdities, injustices, and futility.
p.s. watched a wonderful Brit flick called Broken on Netflix, a must see. http://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=Broken+Movie+Trailer&FORM=VIRE2#view=detail&mid=98871668B7FC87F9043C98871668B7FC87F9043C
Love,
H.
Yesterday was my father's 50th birthday and the 13th year spent in prison, since I sent him there when I was 10. He was sentenced for 60 years and is supposed to be released in 2049. Someday, I will visit him.
I worry it is a bad omen that my six year old wild, rambunctious nephew shares the same birthday.
In many ways I share the same problems, only I have not witnessed half the hurt, pain, and ugly....and still feel so worn out and broken.
Love,
H.
Shane,
You really like to make us wait. I've been anxiously waiting for something new from you for months it seems now. I have silently been following you for years, since 2009 I believe. I have read every word you've written. To know you through your writing. Who knows if we would like each other in person, but I have loved you through your writing for a long time. Who knows why I have never replied before. Enough others had already graced you for me to feel significant.
Hey Anon... The drought is almost over and anew text will go up in the next couple of days. After that I've almost finished multiple others and so we should have posts at least every couple of weeks for a while after.
Love & Thoughts, Shane. X
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