The Cyclops - A Reoccurring Dream...

Lately I’ve been having that reoccurring dream. The one where I am shot in the head after witnessing a bank robbery, and for a few seconds, just before my eyes close to the big blackout, life suddenly seems worth living and fighting for.

Lately I’ve been having that reoccurring dream. The one where a gun is pressed so hard between my eyes that even firing a bullet now seems horrendously cruel. The one where I see the joint of the forefinger turn white as it pulls back on the trigger and then two men running off into the distance. The one where ambulance sirens are too far away.

Lately I’ve been having that reoccurring dream again. That one where I am fighting with all my might to survive each second. Where any bit of strength I have is taken away with the knowledge that a bullet has been shot at point blank range into my skull and that I cannot possibly survive. That dream where I had stared a millisecond too long at one of the gunmen and had turned from a shell shocked onlooker into a prospective witness.

Lately I’ve been having that reoccurring dream again. The one where I want to say: “I won’t tell a soul! Can’t you tell that from my eyes? I’m on your side!” The one where thick blood already congealed oozes from a hole between my eyes. The one where I leave my being, watch my own dying and then reunite for death. That dream where fear and panic are paralyzed and silent in a tormented body.

Lately I’ve been having that reoccurring dream. The one where my mother looks in horror at her executed and dying son and then shouts “You’ve ruined my fucking day!” The one where I become a dead witness to two crimes. The one where I am cordoned off by the crowd who stand in for blue and white police tape.

Lately I’ve been having that reoccurring dream again. The one where I am helpless and in my final moments noone still moves in to offer up help or comfort. The one where I end like a beggar laying spent upon the sidewalk. The one where fate and instinct turns a stroll up the Highstreet into something very ominous and sinister. That dream which seems so real and so realisable.

Lately I’ve been having that reoccurring dream. The one where I am turned into The Cyclops. The one where I realise you can smell in dreams. The one where the cries of seagulls carry me free from the pain.

Last night I had that reoccurring dream... tonight I will dream that dream again....

Hope you’re all well... My apologies for the wait and a proper HH post will follow very shortly...

Until then...

My Thoughts & Wishes to All,

Shane. x

32 comments :

Khris K. said...

Good to see your post. Extended brakes always make me wonder if something has gone wrong. Unfortunately a risk in this game we play.
Many blessings.

K.

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

Hiya Khris,

Thanks for your comment (and your last) and excuse me for not replyingb at the time. yeah, extended breaks... normally I at least put a little post on t-he blog saying "I'm not dead!" aspeople do notice and as you say, given what we do they worry.

Anyway, I'm back and the next post will be a bit of a treat... the time I got busted shooting heroin in my mothers bra. I'll enjoy recounting that one! lol

Hope you're well and thanks again for your comment...

All My best, Shane.

Snow Queen said...

Indeed I wondered myself, glad you ok....I've had no death threats as yet myself but a lot of people out there sure won't like what I do....

It is a risk in this game, and I feel that maybe your dream was relating to that. I know cos I take enough risks myself, not in exactly the same sense you do but I have been there.

Some people just will never understand why I take the risks I have done to support a habit....you only understand if you've been there really. One of my recurring dreams has involved fire.....

Jessica said...

Wildernesschic said...

Shane I have to say I was also worried about you, I don't know why, I don't really know you .. but as a friend in the blog world, I care x
I read this before I went to sleep but couldn't reply, ended up having bloody nightmares all night lol. Not about you particularly, but violent ones. I am so glad to see your comment, although, as always well written, the context was disturbing.. now as I see you are fine, I consider it disturbing in a good way, like a good thriller.
Take care and look forward to your next post. There's one thing to be said.. they are never dull, always worth the wait
Love Ruth xxx

Put The Lotion In The Basket said...

Hey Lazybones.
Lately I’ve been having that reoccurring dream that you never posted again and then this, so kewl yeah?
LOL...
Hope all's well man.
Nick XX

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Hi, my friend. Glad you are doing okay. I have been thinking about you and wondering what was up.

You are loved, you know.

SB

JoeM said...

I was going to say

What A Great Comeback!

But that implies you're on some sort of schedule, which you shouldn't think you are.

There's a TV program on Thursday about Nielsen survivors. I've probably seen it before. One of them, who he tried to drown, didn't remember it till ages after. I think he became an alcoholic, then transsexual.

I'm still wondering if I dreamed that London post...

Snow Queen said...

Hope you don't mind Shane but your post inspired me to write one about one of my dreams, recurring with differences, relating to fire.

I think you might follow her blog, but there is another addict who has not posted for a few weeks, and she has mental health issues and all, I hope she is ok as I'm a bit worried about her too.......

Check my blog sometime...you may well relate. I had a heroin habit myself before, know what it is like and all....it is a bummer to come off if you want to, only managed it with the help of benzodiazepines as methadone alone did not suffice to calm me down, you get edgy as well as rough, it is a shit of a drug....not saying cocaine is wonderful, perfect but it aint so physical, you aren't in such agony if you have no supply, more of a mental thing...although more expensive. I posted a few times on differences and similarities between addictions to uppers or downers - worlds apart in some ways, similiar in a few other respects. Some people who just do downers don't like people on uppers and vice versa.....but there are those of us who have done or do both. Ideally I prefer uppers but I need a downer to mellow it after a while considering a do a lot of coke (alcohol,joints, benzos, opiates, whatever) whereas downers without uppers just zonk me out unless I make the dose very small. My last few experiences with heroin on its own just made me fall asleep and didn't feel good, so I can't do it on its own anymore although I used to. I don't know if you enjoy that zonked gouched out feel but I don't and never really did, I used to want to get the effect of just mellowing or getting a slight high feeling....but when you are adddicted to that stuff or your tolerance is low because you aint done any for ages.....it is hard to get the dosage right.

Sorry for rambling.....There just aren't many blogs/forums for junkies or written by them, good to find people I have something in common with and can talk about this stuff, can't exactly print it on facebook and nobody else is likely to!

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

Hiya Snow Queen,

As Nick says I've always been a bit lazy posting, but this was exceptional even for my low standards!

I left a litte comment on your blog... Thanks once again for reading and commenting...

All My Best

Shane. x

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

Jessica,

Thanks for coming across and I've jut sent a mail o hope to heazr from you soon.

Take care & all My Best, Shane. x

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

Hiya Ruth!!! x

It's strange, because you're right we don't really know each other and yet you probably know me more honestly than my good friends. I don't have many good friends, but there are one or two people who seem to care more than they should and much more than I deserve. But even them... they don't know me as people who read this blog do. So even though we are physical strangers, I feel your presence on the blog as something very familiar and real. It's very interesting internet relations, and I've thought about them alot. I won't go into that now, but maybe one day I'll write a post about it.

About being worried... Ok, I understand why, but here is the truth what happens in those times:

When I am posting and replying and mailing, etc it means I am sticking to my methadone programme. When the posts stop, and I even stop rplying to comments it means I am using heroin daily (or almost). That doesn't mean I'm going through a bad time... I'm an addict and don't need a bad time to make me use. It means that my internal struggle between using methadone and writing/painting has lost out to heroin and being passive. But heroin gives me something that art cannot, and that is why it doesn't feel like a huge sacrifice to me. But (and this is for JoeM, if reading) heroin does not stop you from being creative, it stops you from producing anytghing. So on heroin you still think and plan and word out stories or poems or blog posts, but they stay as ideas and never see the light of day. I think that is why after a binge I suddenly have a huge creative period. i get everything out which I had been mulling over. Anyway,that's the truth where I go and a bloody longwinded way to say: When I'm not posting I'm on a bender! So try not to get worried in future. Also bear in mind that if anything EVER happens to me i've entrusted someone with access to the blog to post news and also post a final post that i have pre-written incase of death. So if the worst happens, and knowing me it surely will, you'll know about it! ;)

Ok, I think that's it...

Next post is actually already written so will follow in a couple of days... it's a litle more humourous than normal.

Thanks as Ever for reading and commenting... All My Love Returned, Shane. xxx

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

Hiya Nick,

There's a difference between beng lazy and so out of it that your keyboard appears to be made out of molten tar... oh, and that's another reoccurring dream of mine!!! lol

Love returned and thanks as ever for sticking around, Shane. xxx

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

SB!!!!

Here amongst You i am loved... here amongst myself I am not. I know it, I deny it, but thanks for saying so.

Love Returned, Shane. XXX

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

Hiya Joe!

no you didn't dream the London post, but it was a post which was done for a very specific reason and wasn't actuall true. I never left Lyon... just didn't want a certain person knowing where I was. Sounds mysterious, hey? lol It is!

Oh, I got your book!!! I'll put a picture up on the blog and a link to that and your other works if you don't mind? I haven't finished it yet, but have really enjoyed it. I'm a quarter of my way through 'Dreaming, Drag' as I type.

I think it's called "Surviving Nilsen". iknow it has been aired before, but have not seen it myself. As I'm in France I wait anxiously for someone to upload onto U-tube... but no-one does!:(

Apart from that, alls well here though book was rejected by Tony's agent. I think I was a few months late sending in the extracts and that seemed to annoy him!! lol I can only laugh... and it's a nice little story. Next time. ;)

Hope you're well Joe & thanks as ever for sticking with the blog... All My Thoughts, Shane.

JoeM said...

I can understand about the heroin non-writing/storing up then unleashing. I'm a sort of binge writer.I don't do any for ages then vomit it all out. I was told they were looking for Dr.Who short stories and started writing one,(The Doctor meets Andy Warhol,who's being chased through time by an intergalactic evangelist who blames Warhol for starting the Facebook everybody's famous for 15 minutes culture) supposedly 2500 words, but it grew and grew. I find when I do get in the zone there's loads and loads stored up because I'm constantly making notes/fragments. Maybe even if you weren't on H it would work like that.

I wonder if anyone wrote while doing H - Burroughs/Will Self maybe. Some can write drunk - Hemingway did, also standing up, typing on a typewriter.

Can't understand why the agent would turn you down,having read some of what you sent and really liking it.Maybe they are just wary of your ability to finish it. Maybe finish it first then send to an agent. But I would have thought there was enough on the blog for another book. Maybe if you get a 'Nilsen Book' out first, which would be very commercial, they'll want anything you do after that.

Oh yes, link me all you want! I'm just grateful you actually ordered the book. Say what you want about the internet but it's been a great thing for 'small' writers. My output was mostly ignored when it came out but I got a lot more interest and feedback (and quite a few sales) when I mentioned it on Dennis Cooper's blog and he featured it a few times.

Youtube:

Dennis Nilsen:the kindly killer (!)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RIPUer7fgnM

Why he'll be soon be on Celebrity Big Brother or Dancing with the Serial Killers...

Patrycja said...

Shane,

Great to hear from you again! I also worried something bad happened to you while in London - glad to hear you are fine!
This post as nicely written, I always think you are like a human dictionary - it might be because I am not english myself but I just admire the choice of words that you use.

Alles Liebe & Gute Nacht ;)

Patrycja

Longy said...

Hi Shane. Hope all is well and your not getting up to too much mischief in London :-) I wouldn't bet on it though!

jerry said...

This is a great post. I just had one of the ‘Doh!’ moments and ran back to correct my own site before publishing my comment. You see my own comment form did not match what I’m about to advice. I get less comment than you, so never noticed any problem. I’ve changed it now anyway so here goes.


study abroad

Anonymous said...

Hey! Guess who (much more fun that way)!
I did send u an email. Went to Calais at weekend and struck me how easy it would be to bring something over... Didn't get stopped once even with my Arabic surname!

Hope ur just gouchin & nothing bad has happened. Like I said in email, I'm stuck in Kent. Did become a junkie for a while cos out of work. Got to needing £40 a day and most of it on tick (ouch!). I even shoplifted (once, & was a pack of baccy & partly out of spite cos bloke at the till was an arsehole).

Hope ur well, or doin better than me.

XxxKxxxX

mikimbizi said...

"The one where I realise you can smell in dreams. The one where the cries of seagulls carry me free from the pain."

Lovely lines. A lyrical post.
Hope you are fine.
Good luck

Mikimbizii.

Anonymous said...

Shane! Please please give us another installment! U might b on a bender but seems wee bit long even for u. Hope ur ok. People miss u, not just ur writing.
Ur 1 in a million.
xxKxx

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

Kelly,

Excuse me for not answering mail yet and of course I remember who you are!!!! lol

Another installment will follow in a couple of days... but it's a long one. Be warned!!! XXX

Anonymous said...

Hahaha! That wee peep made me smile. I'm sure we all look forward to it however long. I can't talk about being out of touch but as I said to Melody Lee I've had a lot of fuckerry to deal with. Plus can only keep contact via iPhone as internet belongs to stepdad & he hates junkies & doesn't even know I am one (I hope).

I'm just glad ur here. I know u said u have a contingency plan should something happen but still one dies wonder. That's how much u mean 2 everyone. Ur posts, as brilliant as they are, are our only way of knowing ur still with us.

I look forward to ur nxt installment. Thanx for recognising me, it was touching.

U take care now. xxxKxxx
ps. U ever want to publish ur own book cheaply, one off, check out blurb.com. Perhaps a painting catalogue or even mix of ur words & pics.
If u need any graphic design/typography advice, I'm ur man.

Blublu says purrrmeow (after mauling another victim! My cat is a serial killer, my mums lawn looks like a crime scene! So cute!).
J have 2 wait til fri til the fishy smells envelope me ;-)
xxKxx

Green Of Eye, Sharp Of Claw said...

Shane,glad to see you posting again. Your writing has been missed

Anonymous said...

Hey, I'm back at murder mile waiting for delivery of beds 4 the tenants that have (stolen) rented my lovely flat. About to have a wee gouch.
Anyway, reason contacting u is want to design a brand identity for u. No cost & ur not obliged to use it. I just want to flex my design muscles outside of work. If that's ok, do also mind giving me feedback & criticism?

Will have some questions before I start. As well as logotype would be good if designed a typeface especially for it. I know u already have a 'look' and brand of sorts esp on ur painting website but thought wld b interesting to see how a graphic designer wld capture/express what ur about.

My 1st question:
I noticed u have squares behind many of ur subjects. What is the purpose of this (framing?) or is it intentional? (1 cld argue that both the marks we make & ones we don't make are intentional much like speaking).

I'm off for a nice warm & slightly itchy gouch. Have a think... Hope u say yes.

xxKxx

Syd said...

I'm glad to read you again. I have weird dreams that reoccur. But not about blood or dying--actually those in the dreams are my dead relatives all sitting around. I haven't had one of those dreams in a while. I would rather dream of meadows and dogs running.

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

Kelly,

Sorry it took a while to get back to you... I'm just trying to get back in the swing of being online and have so much to do and organise nad remember. But I'm with you now.

Brand identity??? Errr... you're willing to give it a go. Memoires is out of bands but you can try your hand with the art site. One thing to keep in mind is that I'm a creative person myself and can be very funny about what I think represents me or my work so I never want tio argue or upset any feeelings for that. If you're fine with that... do as much damage as you like!!! lol

Squares behind paintings. They have different uses. Sometimes they represent time... sometimes space/an abstract two-dimensional backdrop... sometimes they are there just for the composition or as a blatant colour. It depends what the painting calls for and what I feel. There is no real intellectual thought in each individual painting, together they comprise one big idea: Life, death and time. I like decay... especially in art. I like to try and paint decay. Accelerated decay or normal decay... but accelerated is more interesting.

Ok, there's my answer... and now i'm off to decay a little more...

Love, Thoughts and Wishes Your Way

Shane. x

Ps: Did you ever finally read Murder Mile?

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

Syd,

Thanks as ever for reading... there's a nice long one for you t-o be getting on with!!!

Hope you're well...

All My Thoughts, Shane.

Lori said...

So glad to see you posting again. I hate re-occuring dreams. Usually they are of the terrifying kind. I never figure out what the "deeper" meaning is. Please keep writing..be well, be safe!

sanjeet said...

. I'll enjoy recounting that one! lol
data entry work from home

Angelo said...

Why did I receive this today in my e-mail box? It was writen in March 2010. Today is Oct. WTF! It was a great piece though for a junkie. You got a lot of different talents bro. Nothing worse then "wasted talent". Not preaching just sayen.