Hopping the Wagon: Day 3

Imagine skies of pink candy floss stretching out into forever. The city is bathed in a strange warm light, which feels like some peculiar weather pattern is on its way. Over there, great industrial chimneys bellow smoke, and down there, men are hosing down the streets and sweeping cola tins and empty packets of Gauloises cigarettes into the gutter. That's what Lyon was like this morning as I sat looking out the window at the bar owner on the corner as he set out his tables for another day of business. I know the old saying, that we'll reap havoc for the beauty of a pink morning, but as of now the day has remained unspoiled by nature or desire.

I actually feel surprisingly well. I only slept three hours because I kept having these vivid nightmarish dreams, and rather than close my eyes on visions of my body dying I sat typing random words into Google and seeing what it came up with. Mostly it was just porn, then I disabled 'safe search' and it was all porn. Then I took care of the hard on that had been irritating me all day. It felt like the greatest wank of my life... certainly of the last two weeks.

It's strange, but I always masturbate when I'm ill or in pain. It's nothing to do with pleasure and pain, but more about creating a sensation greater than the one I am suffering from. It's a kind of momentary and pleasurable escape. When I'm depressed my dick is very rarely out my hand, and when I've got toothache, well, I'm just a public nuisance.

Right now I'm off to buy some methadone. As it's from the same girl I score smack from I think there's probably a 90% chance that I end the evening tying my wrist off with a tourniquet. What even more makes me think that is today while I was out shopping I mysteriously decided to check my bank balance. When I do that, there is only one reason behind it: I'm thinking of scoring. I kid myself it's not... but it is. It's like when I draw out money I don't need. I tell myself Oh, it's just to be safe... just in case there's a n unexpected problem with the card or something. Before I've even finished the transaction, my dealers phone is ringing and I'm willing her to answer. Addicts may lie to others, but it's nothing compared to the bullshit they tell themselves. I'm no different. Constantly having internal dialogues with myself convincing the junkie in me that this will happen and I can do that, and if I use it like this and save on that  it'll be fine - that I can afford another 5 grams. But it's all bollocks. Once you even begin to think like that it means you cannot afford it, that something or someone else is going to suffer for your excess.

5 comments :

kympton said...

If its any comfort there is also a 34 year old guy, that is, at this moment arguing within his mind on whether to blow his last 20 on smack, even though i tell myself its better to have today off with the 20 in my pocket, rather than being forced to have tomorrow off because there,s fuck all in my pocket, the argument is pretty one sided.. Oh well... live for today and fuck tomorrow...I think thats how the saying goes...xx

Wildernesschic said...

Shane I think my husband must have permanent toothache :) LOL ..
I love your description of a Lyon morning, take care which ever you choose xx

High Heeled Life said...

Popping over for a visit via Wilderness Chic.

My intention was to just leave a note of encouragement ~ to not give up on yourself! Then I saw your birtday October 28 ~ and I knew that the universe wanted me to tell you something... what this something is I do not know ... But October 28th, 2006 I was not expected to live after being struck my a car at 65-75 km , while crossing the street; I remained in a coma for almost 6 weeks - and have been and continue to rebuild my life. My obsession/addiction is for the life I had ... but I know until I let go of that life - I will not begin my new life. A life that I have been given the gift to re-invent and create.

I guess what I'm trying to say , is that you can't go back and change what has happened to you in the past. You continue to live because your life DOES HAVE A PURPOSE! ~ Perhaps you needed to experience these downs to come out of them - being able to help young people see that they too can win the the battle with addiction and the and start a new life.

Blessing to you my friend - that you do not give up on yourself! Believe in your worth and that you can make difference in the lives of others.... HHL

BMelonsLemonade said...

I always used to masturbate when I was kicking. In the fucking bathtub. I would just lay under the faucet and let the water do all the work. It was the only way to not feel the gut wrenching fucking sickness. I almost drowned a time or two!

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Shane,
If you have an addictive personality (and I certainly do), I think sex is just another outlet for it.