Crack Cocaine - A Life on the Rocks

This is my first post on my addiction to crack cocaine. In contrast to my heroin addiction, crack was a habit I never enjoyed and didn’t want. It never made me feel good, only anxious and uncomfortable. Nevertheless, it was dragging on my heels for almost 3 years and I only shook it off on my arrival in France.

I came into contact with crack cocaine during my teen years growing up on the White City Estate in West London. First as an observer, then as a casual user and finally as an addict. I was 17 the first time I ashed a Coca-Cola can and sucked in the sickly fumes of this expensive rock.... 8 years later I would be a hardcore Crackhead, scouring the floor for crumbs of rock I knew I never dropped.

******************************************************

White City Estate is a huge housing complex tucked in the pants of Shepherds Bush – it is notorious for housing problem families. It is where the worst of the worst are banished.... full of drug addicts, travellers and thieves. In White city the telephone boxes are burnt out, the lifts are public toilets and rats and roaches scurry around huge metal dustbins. It is a place from which everyone dreams of escape, but escape is rare... for in White City, the cars have no wheels.

It is there, in that pre-war maze of red brick low rise flats, that one will come across walking shrapnel... people indelibly wounded by domestic atrocities. Imagine stepping on a landmine, having a limb blown off and your head opened up... and then staggering around concussed in the aftermath of the blast... this is what exists in White city.

Paul X was one of these walking wounded... he was also a crackhead. He spent his days crouched near the lift shaft, smoking coke crystals and hiding from police that weren’t there. He was paranoid and dangerous. It was with Paul X that I first licked the rock.

My first encounter with this type was not a pleasant experience. He had taken me at knifepoint and forced me to burgle houses to fund his addiction. My way out of this was a stroke of youthful genius: on gaining entry to a chosen property, I phoned the police on myself. I was arrested and I informed on him. I spent the next 8 months in hiding, petrified of retribution. By the time we saw one another again, Paul X was in no state to be settling old scores... he was on the verge of tears, begging me to lend him 50p so as he could page his dealer. It was in exchange for this that I was given my first hit of crack.

From the age of 17 – 23 I only smoked crack on about 10 separate occasions... it was a drug that didn’t seem to affect me. I was more into buprenorphine (a heroin substitute) which I bought from a friend whose mother was dying from cancer. By the time I started smoking crack professionally, Paul X was dead, White City had been renovated into one of Londons more respectable housing estates and I was taking 5 injections of heroin per day. And I wasn’t the only victim... I wasn’t alone scouring the floor for crumbs. No, my mother and her partner had also fallen prey to this vicious drug. Mum was no longer using acetone to remove cheap nail varnish... now she used it for washing out her and her lovers crack pipes. The 3 of us, wired at 2am in the morning, burning then scraping recycle of enamel tiles. This is where crack eventually leads... well, here and prostitution.

Crack cocaine is very different to heroin. It has a different history and a different image. If heroin is thought of as an artists or musicians drug, crack is a street drug. Although it is cocaine, it has nothing to do with rich Hollywood types, fashion or high living... Crack is from the ghetto and the crackhead is a species apart.

As I mentioned earlier, I never enjoyed my crack habit. I carried on smoking it daily for 3 years due to addiction – nothing else. I just couldn’t stop. I tried... I would make it to the evening and then at the very last moment, just before the dealers turned their phones off, I succombed... I made the call. I think that my battle with white is the reason why I can always understand the heroin addict who wants to quit but can’t. In that way it served me well.

You may be thinking that it is a huge thing to be addicted to both crack and heroin, but it is more common than you’d imagine. 7 out of 10 heroin addicts I know also have a crack habit. In fact, it is often crack that leads to heroin. The crack user is left saucer-eyed and anxous after use, and often takes a little heroin to come down, or to get rid of 'the jitters' (as we say in the trade). Because crack is more expensive and doesn’t last long, the crack addict normally ends up using heroin whilst funds are low... and before they know it they have a double whammy... a twofold addiction. This wasn’t the case for me, but I’m sure there will be some readers that will identify with this.

So, how and why did my crack habit stop? And why am I not buying 'white' in France?

My crack habit stopped the day I moved to Lyon. It wasn’t difficult as I had no choice and crack, unlike heroin, is not a physical addiction. Also, and certainly the deciding factor, crack does not exist in France... you cannot get it! One can free-base coke but one cannot score crack. Still, it took me almost a full year to get over the cravings of the psychological addiction. There were times in that first year when all I wanted was to return to London. Not for a break, not to be back home, not even to see my family... no, my sole reason for wanting to return was to score some crack... to construct a little plastic pipe and to smoke myself into a fidgety paranoia.

Today as I write this, I have not touched a rock in nearly four years. I never will again either... my head is over that. When I think of crack I feel nauseous... just the thought of its sweet, sickly perfume turns my stomach. Maybe one day heroin will also turn my stomach... maybe one day I'll be writing about my third year clean of that - who knows? Like everyones, my future is undetermined... what the the wild dogs will bring to my door, I just don't know.

Take care Readers & Keep Well...

S

50 comments :

John said...

Glad to see someone new reading my blog, though to an outside observer, it may appear trivial and mundane compared to your poignant and revealing posts. Or to non horror and heavy metal fanboys.
I've been clean of drugs for about 3 years. While I never developed an addiction for crack or straight cocaine, there came a time when I was smoking or blowing a few times a week, also while toying with smoking and even occasionally injecting heroin. The drug to get me into doing these drugs was ecstasy, which I continued to use even during my six to eight month flirt with the harder stuff. Again, to an outside observer, one might have considered me a drug addict. Based on the people I used to do drugs with and who they are today, I'd say I dodged the bullet because when I decided to stop, any addiction I had was 90% psychological.
Once I stopped being interested in the perceived artistic glamour of drugs such as heroin, I was able to again harbor appreciation for the things that perked up my interest in drugs in the first place: art. Namely music and film.
I appreciate your interest in my little corner of the web because it's allowed me the chance to view yours. Carry on, friend.

Heroinhead said...

Hello John,

Nice of you to drop by, my friend. Yeah I've got many interests and everyday I say "Oh, I must starta blog up about..." Then I realize that this one takes all my time! So I have to rely on others to do things for me... that's why I joined your site. I'm really into cult film, and especially love the Italian films of 70s- 80's: Fulci, Bava, joe D'amato, etc. No, your blogs not trivial or mundane... it all depends what people are into. Anyway, I think if it impassions you.. that's all that really matters.

I'm glad you shook 'the monkey off your back'... and 90% of people here are non-drug users (so you're in good company). I was never into ectasy... I have taken it, but really don't like any drugs that can have hallucinogenic effects.

I understand what you say about when you've quit drugs you regain an appreciation for the things that led youy there. My problem is thiose same things make me want to use again!!! ;) I don't think I've a hope in hell of losing my monkey! ;)

Anyway take care John... and we'll speak more soon.

BW, Shane.

Longy said...

A great description of old White City Shane. Shithole is not the word for it! I didn't realise it was done up now. I can't imagine it being respectable.

Your right about alot of heroin users being into crack. It was the same for alot of my friends. Its another one I never tried - I think the media hype frightened me off trying. Makes a change for them to do something right eh!

Another great read Shane. Thanks mate.

PS Wheres the menu for the sauce gone?

Heroinhead said...

Hiya Longy,

Hope you had a nice weekend, mate. Yeah, White City's all been done up now. It was due to the new BBC building (they didn't want the old estate as an eyesore. Never for the people, hey?)They started selling the flats off, paying the travellers to return home... and they renovated the entire estate. It's respectable to what it once was.

The menu???? It was never intended to be permanant & it was a little in way. It was straight after the posts about my father. It still exists as a draft and I'll re-add it in a week or so. Also, I was scared that one of the American readers would poison themselves and then sue me... you know what their like! ;)

Take care Longy & we'll speak more soon, Shane.

Ps: where abouts are you in London?

Betsie Zombie (Vanessa) said...

"Today as I write this, I have not touched a rock in nearly four years. I never will again either... my head is over that. When I think of crack I feel sick... just the thought of its sweet, sickly perfume turns my stomach. Maybe one day heroin will also turn my stomach... maybe one day I'll be writing about my third year clean of that - who knows? Like everyones, my future is undetermined... what the the wild dogs will bring to my door, I just don't know."


I'm absolutly sure that one that one day, that will happen!
You're the one who controls your future, and if u want to, if you really want that to happen, then it WILL happen! :) be strong and take care.

kiss kiss
Vanessa Mota

Melinda said...

Hey Shane,

Boy did you bring back some horrible crack memories for me in this post. I also got addicted to crack at the very end of my tenure as a drug addict. My DOC was *always* heroin--but I always liked doing speedballs, which got me involved in cocaine.

I never had a good time with it--my experience was like yours, tweaking out for hours--looking on the floor for nonexistent crumbs (along with other people). At that point, I just wanted any drug to make me feel alive and crack served that purpose--anything for self-destruction.

And like you, I have no euphoric recall when it comes to crack--even the thought of it makes me feel nauseous.

I think most people who do crack don't really like it--but the nature of the drug is SO addiction (way more so than heroin or powder coke) that people just go nuts when they are using. In addition to hating crack, I also hated crackheads.

Take care--(I admit, I am one of your friends who hopes for a post, one day, about how you've been clean for 3 years from heroin--can't help it, Shane).

Take care,

Melinda

Heroinhead said...

Hiya Mademoiselle Zombie,

As always, it's a pleasure to have you
comment (oh.. I'm too polite!) ;)

The thing is at the moment I'm happy using heroin... so I suppose for now I choose that future. But I know things always change... especially our thoughts and ideas. And what we love today we often hate tomorrow. As the french say: Que sera sera (what will be will be)

You take care too Vanessa... you're a good person.

Shane. x

Heroinhead said...

Evening Melinda... I hope you had a good blackout!

For many dual addicts I know they use crack not to be self-destructive but to get up. Heroin brings you down & crack is an escape from that - it's an upper. Also, as you know, after many years doing H one hardly feels it any more... we use just to be straight. Crack is a drug the heroin addict can feel.

God, you're right... Crackheads & Heroinheads just don't mix. I couldn't bare being qround crackheads either (although I was one myself!)

I know you'll keep hoping that I will get clean, but i also know you understand that saying that will never make any difference. I'm sure all through your addiction your loved ones expressed the same thing... but we guide ourselves in addiction, that's how it works. As I said to Vanessa: Que sera sera...

Take care M,

Shane.

Starrlight said...

Death threats? Seriously, Shane? That is awful. What ever for?!

That said, crack I never got. I know enough musicians and artists with Heroin addictions to get the tie in there. But crack, as you so vividly described it, just sounds jittery and icky!

As for your future, I'd like to think you will get the future you want when you need it. If that makes sense =)

Ale/Aida said...

yeah ha ha i am a bit of a murderer...
I share my interest on substances but more of the natural hallucinogen type, it's scary to me when its human made, more destructive but I see in you and heroin another perspective of addiction, sometimes it seems as if it's almost relationship...
your writing attracts me in a odd way I understood a bit more why when seeing your profile, you have a sweet taste in literature. It got me a bit childishly exited to see Dostoevsky, G.G. Marquez, Bukowski, Oscar Wilde, and Patrick Suskind all together in someone else's favorites list... they are very known, yeah; but not in 2009 melting pot California so its always nice to see it.

Heroinhead said...

Starrlight,

Yeah, I've had some really horrible emails... no death threats yet, but everything else. I don't mind... they're just wasting their time.

Your closing comment makes sense... and I always get what I want, because I accept anything! ;) That's the solution.

TC, Shane.

Heroinhead said...

Ale/Aida...

Thank you for taking the time to read and comment... that means a lot (especially from an apprentice murderess).

There are some writers that transport me away... that take me to places that I never want to return from. I call them 'the magic carpet writers'. And it's not an intellectual thing... it's much deeper, it's intuitive. Words and rhythm that touch the senses. It's something very special.

Anyway, I hope you continue enjoying my blog... i'll do the same with yours. You take care & BW, Shane.

Lou said...

I love the last paragraph. I think your creativity would go over the roof, if you quit using. Just the taste that we see here shows me that...but you have to want it. Until that time I'll want it for your.
Thanks for your comment, Shane on my blog. I do love my junkie more than anything..especially when he is not using;)

Betsie Zombie (Vanessa) said...

hahahh, yeah, I was almost sure u were going at least read my post :) Thank you for leaving your comment. U have an answer from João to your comment, he says: "Isso não é bem assim Heroinhead, não brinquem... tratando-se de drogas de abuso fala-se da destruição e não da aceitação da realidade!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kOPOK24g9Cc
[vejam o vídeo, explica o que acontece às pessoas por fora,
procurem também compreender o que se passa dentro dessas pessoas]"

... in other words (xD): I don't agreed with you ,heroinhead, drugs are not used for accepting reality and they are really dangerous when u abuse on them (...) watch this video, it explays why people use drugs in two different perspectives).

I really sent him to your blog, so u too could talk about it or something.
I don't think understood what you where saying...anyway, I think he is going to read your blog and I'm almost sure he will leave a comment!

now, about your comment: thank you so much for your comment, it means a lot! and yeah, I fotgot to add on that lil' list that one reason why some people go and use drugs: because they are suffering. Oh well, thanks! :)

stay strong and take care.
kiss kiss
Vanessa Mota

PS: translate tool rocks! xD (what sh*t is awful, right? xD hahah You almost have to guess what I was saying because it doen't make any sense translated to english xD hahaaah)

Laura said...

Hi Shane, Im just letting you know that I enjoy reading your blog, Im a lurker and won't comment often - but I'm here!

Laura

Heroinhead said...

Betsie,

You know me too well!! ;)

In my comment I tried to expalin something very complicated in one sentence... it's not possible. So, I understand why João replied as he did. For him to understand what I meant I would have to write much more. Anyway, hopefully he will visit and leave a comment.


Yes, with the translate tool I have to REALLY think... sometimes it is not even English that i translates it to! They are english words... but they make no sense! lol. Still, it's better than nothing... I can always understand what you've written.

You stay strong too & Take care, Shane. x

Heroinhead said...

Laura,

Thanks for shedding your 'invisibility cloak'... that's nice of you. Sometimes I can sense the lurkers... I know I'm not alone. ;)

Enjoy the blog however suits you best... Take care & maybe we'll speak more soon. BW, Shane.

Anonymous said...

"If heroin is thought of as an artists or musicians drug"

Maybe it's that way in France, but in the US heroid addicts are considered junkie scum.

Why don't you ever talk about how you afford a heroin habit? Or why a non-using woman stays in a relationship with you?

Memoires of a Heroinhead said...

Anonymous,

Thanks for your comment... I always appreciate people giving me their time.

We're junkie scum everywhere... but that's just fascist talk. People who think like that are also against ethnic and homosexuals. And one thing worse than junkie scum is an idiot.

I do talk about how I fund my habit... I paint. I work as an artist. Same way as people fund cigarette and alcohol addictions. My wife stays with me because she likes junkie scum... isn't that obvious?

Take care anonymous.. Shane, xxx.

Barbara(aka Layla) said...

Hi Shane,

I enjoy you're writing so much. I read some of the comments and disagree with Anon, OF COURSE heroin is a musicians and artist drug, how could someone disagree with that?

My son started with cocaine first and then started using heroin to afterwards...just like you described. He told me he's smoked crack a few times but didn't like it. I am hoping he's done with all of that but I don't know....

Starrlight said...

Anon must not be aware of the rather sad anniversary coming up Sunday. Both Kurt and Layne used heroin. OF COURSE it is associated with musicans and artists. Much like pot and acid are associated with hippies.

Not that I am in any way encouraging folks start up a heroin habit, but being addicted to a drug does not automatically make you scum.

But posting rude anonymous (did you lose your testicles, Anon?) comments on blogs does indeed make you an asshole.

Carry on, Shane.

Memoires of a Heroinhead said...

Barbara,

Hello again... yeah, lets hope your sons done with it, hey. It is possible... some people flirt with it for a moment and then stop.

My last reply was a little messy... I must ahve been typing quickly! ;) Here's what I meant to say:

Contrary to what the media say, heroin/crack IS NOT an overnight addiction. 'use once and you're addicted' is a complete myth... it takes weeks of daily use.

Anyway, I hope you're well & let's cross our fingers for your boy.

Shane.

Memoires of a Heroinhead said...

Starrlight,

Thanks for chasing Anon away! I'm sure he'll return with some ignorant quirp. ;) (is quirp a word??? maybe I meant quip!)

Carry on Doctor, Carry on Camping... Carry on Shane.

TC, S.

kelly Al-Saleh said...

I suppose 'White City' lived up to it's name, maybe they should call Hackney 'Brown City' (disclaimer: to those unacquainted with drug slang, this is not a racist comment about the Afro-Caribbean population).

Crack is just a nasty, cruel drug that takes you up too high too fast then lets go so you come crashing down. Every time we did have it (not often) we'd say 'Why did we bother?'.

I've had more coke than white in my time (it is rife in the media industry - actually, it is rife in any office/middle class/white collar workplace). Coke is a lot steadier than white but still needs b to soften the edges at the end of the night.

thankfully b would make me energetic, correction; it would make me whatever I wanted to b; relaxed, hyperactive etc... The amount of times I did my housework immaculately (with its help).

I did stay in White City once, I remember the BBC building so must have been post-refurb.

xK

StillThinking said...

Wow. I never understood the connection between crack and heroin. I also didn't realize that crack was expensive. The drug campaigns of the 80's here in the US made it seem like crack was such an epidemic because of it's widespread availability and because it was cheap. It goes to show how limited and unrealistic drug education was here in the US when we were taught that heroin was expensive, crack was cheap, and that one marijuana would lead to addiction.

I think one of the greatest disfavors that drug education in the US has done is not be truthful with kids about why drug use is appealing. I think the parents associations would freak out over such honesty and the puritanical mindset of the American parent would insist that honesty was equivalent to promotion.

I appreciate your dead on truthfulness about your experiences. Best of luck to you.

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

Still Thinking,

You're absolutely correct & I agree with you, certain groups would see what I write as promotion. Of course, it's not that... i never promote drug use. I use myself and it ends there.

What is promotion is making something seem so rebellious and dangerous that it becomes attractive.

Yes, crack is 5x the price of heroin and is gone in no time. You can get through hundreds of $$$'s of crack in an evening. heroin is extremely cheap.. 15$ can keep up an addiction. Crack is a cheap drup by reputation, but not by price.

there is NO drug that I know of where 'use once and you're addicted'... it's just another myth.

Take care, Shane.

Chelsea Jane said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Chelsea Jane said...

Ahh this was an interesting read. Nothing about crack cocaine seems enticing to me.

& Thank you for following my blog.

Sincerely,
Jane.

Anonymous said...

"People who think like that are also against ethnic and homosexuals. And one thing worse than junkie scum is an idiot."

Actually, that is an idiotic thing to say. I know many people who look down on drug addicts that aren't racist or against gay people. They are TOTALLY different things and to suggest being a drug addict is the same as race or sexuality is ridiculous.

And if you want to say heroin is associated with artists and musicians because some of them have been addicts then I'm sure you would agree that heroin is associated with homelessness, criminals, and people who have HOV and hep C since there are a lot more heroin addicts that fall in that category than are artists and musicians.

Unless you are a famous artist I highly doubt you make enough to support a habit by selling your art.

Starrlight said...

HOV? For someone with a serious bug up your ass, your spell check abilities and command of the English language sucks.

That aside, we get it. You don't approve. Go volunteer at a clinic. Go volunteer at a homeless shelter. Put up or shut up. And just go away. Cause I HATE bitchers who are not do'ers.

You don't have to like it but Sean has an audience. And a LOT of us are not into heroin. What we are into is good writing and personal honesty. Which takes more talent and balls than you exhibit. So kindly, fuck off k thanks.

Starrlight said...

Shane, not Sean! This is what happens when I have a migraine and do my doctor approved drugs :P

sKILLz said...

Yo homie did you delete my post?
Or am I bugging and thinkin I posted here when I really didnt, or maybe posted somewhere else?

I know I take drugs but I usally remember where I post at and shit!

Got your email, and responded!

Stay Up!

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

Anonymous,

Thanks for returning... you must really enjoy my blog to keep coming back.

No heroin is not associated with HIV or Hep c: that is sharing needles... and can be any injected drug. Very few addicts are homeless go check your statistics. You'll find homelessness is intertwined with alcohol & mental illness and not heroin. Criminals, no: less than 3% of prison inmates are addicts. You're just repeating things without checking the facts... following like the Nazi youth.

You're well out your depth with art (as you are with everything)... so I'm not even going to give you a lesson on that one. But if you think any crimes are being committed, you should phone the police... my name, address and telephone number are all on this blog. You've picked the wrong guy to try and act smart with.

Last thing.. I'm going to report you to Mensa... you've obviously got a huge IQ. They''ll probably conact you

I look forward to you wasting more time and reading & commenting on my next post. Best wishes, Shane. x

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

sKILLz,

I Got your mail, thank you. Of course I wouldn't delete your comment... never. Maybe there was some prob with the connection or something. Maybe you ahd one too many! lol

Staying up... Shane. x

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

Starrlight... xxx <-- there's my thanks. Don't worry about the name... it's almost the same. I was named after the Cowboy film: Shane. (That's got nothing to do with anything... but I like telling people.)

HOV??? must be a new disease. ;)

Glad you pointed out about the 90% non-users who follow this blog. You know, that's one of the things that pleases me most about it... attracting people outside of the drug. I'm proud of that.

Ok, lets sit back and await Anons next petty insult. My prediction is he/she starts cursing... probably at you as well! ;

You take care Starrlight & go easy on the Doc's pills. Shane. x

PS: Thanks for jumping in.. we make a good tag team.

Starrlight said...

HOV...High Occupancy Vehicle!

I knew it stood for something. And happy to assist. I just loath people who don't put their money where their morals are. And totally misses the point of this blog. Grr.

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

Chelsea Jane,

Excuse me for the late reply... you got a little lost i amongst everything.

Yeah, there's nothing in crack... glad you see it the same. It's really a terrible drug. Normally I can explain away my actions (or I try) with crack it just took a hold of me... I hated it but couldn't stop.

Take care & keep reading.. I'll do the same with you. Shane.

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

Starrlight,

I was trying btyo think up a witty acronym for HOV, but couldn't get anything...

High on Verlaine (but only you & I would get that!) I'llbe playing with this for days... I suppose I'd better thank Anon. ;)

Starrlight said...

High on Verlaine, now that is scary. He had that nasty tendency to set people on fire!

Anonymous said...

Ah, maybe you should check your facts- and that's only one of many references. And to say heedle use and not heroin use is associated with HIV, how do most addicts use heroin? The majority of needle use is by heroin addicts, and yes, I have stats to back that up too.

You seem to get off on being a loser and coming from a family of sickos. Very sad.

http://www.newscientist.com/article/dn9634-breaking-the-cycle-of-drug-addiction-and-crime.html

"US prisons are trapped in a cycle of drug-related crime. About half of the nation's 2.2 million jail inmates meet clinical criteria for drug or alcohol dependence, while the majority of state or federal inmates regularly used drugs prior to their incarceration."

50% is a lot more than 3%!!

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

Anonymous, welcome back Darling... it's wonderful you read my posts and the comments... not many people do that.

The way you think then means that HIV is also associated with homosexuals. And crime is associated with black people. No, HIV is associated with unsafe sex. And crime is interlinked with poverty.

But anyway, I'm not going to repeeat myself. If your brain cannot take things in once... it's impossible it can do it twice.

That you post anonymously and then leave your IP address and real name & email open is just another pointer at your high IQ... you ought to be very careful about that.

Your just repeating and copying and pasting things... Do your own research. Do you know the writer? Have youy verified his/her data? have you only read one article, lol? 4 days & 1 article, hahaha, you're too slow. Post your stats to the National Front... they might read them. You certainly haven't. I take no notice of people who are rascist & homophobic. I just lure them in and get them reading everything I write. You've spent over 2 hours on my site... Thank you. ;) xxx

Anyway, I look forward to your next comment... you might as well post under your real name because I'm going to print all your details publicly anyway.LOL

Take care & best wishes, Love Shane. xxx

Starrlight said...

Save us from the heedles!!!

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

Starrlight... you're a **STAR!**

Commenter of the Year!

X

Mauzzie said...

I sometimes come back to read your posts. I avoid commenting, because I don't really have anything to say.

It brings back memories. My brother, who I am very close to, was a user- heroin and crack. He is clean for years now, he says. I'd like to believe that though.

But your journal gives me a chance to understand his side of the story. We have had a rough common childhood- none of us talk about it- but that does not make it stop existing. It pained me immensely then.. to see him fading away.

Thank you for sharing. I never stopped trying to understand his side even when he disappointed me, ran away looking for money leaving me home alone in a less than ideal sorroundings... your posts casts some light on how it might have been for him.

Cheers.

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

Mauzzie,

You read away silently... that you're reading is great in itself. Still, thanks for your comment & your right if you've nothing to say.. don't say it. ;)

I understand exactly what you write because my relationship with my brother & sister crumbled due to my drug use. I never done anything to them, but just the distance that it put between us was enough for them to feel I had disappeared. Even to this day it remains like that.

With our bad childhood we always talked about it and laughed of it... I think that has a lot to do with my acceptance of it as an adult. It must be very difficult to remain silent about it... especially with your brother a he was the only one there experiencing it with you. I know this as after the death of my father my childhood took a different turn to that of my siblings, & some things have remained closed within me.

One thing I will tell you is that there should be no guilt on your side for the the direction your brother took... or things that may have happened. Not even in your behaviour towards him and his problem. It's very admirable that you continue to try and understand... it's not a very common trait.

Whether your brother is really clean... yeah, it's very difficult to tell. The addict learns how to hide there condition and only to show up when they're feeling well. Let's just hope that he's telling the truth, hey?

If you'd like to talk of this, or to ask anything that you do not want to discuss in public, you can always mail me personally... that's never a problem.

Anyway, you take care and enjoy reading & hopefully we'll speak again soon.

Best Wishes, Shane.

mr.shanelevene@gmail.com

Malloryy said...

I'm not sure if you check old posts, but maybe so, I just discovered your blog and have been reading the past two hours straight. My mother was/is a crack addict, she dropped me off at my grandma's when i was 6 and didn't come back, my great aunt picked me up and my grandma committed suicide. My mom was a crack addict for 7 years straight. In and out of jail and rehab, but always back to crack. I hated her, I resented her, and I really just wanted her to die. She became pregnant with my sister and sobered up for two solid years, (this past january was the second year). Then she went to the ghetto area of our town again, and started up. I wrote her a letter, but I've still never sent it. We have a love/hate relationship, and I'm not entirely sure why I'm telling you mine and my mother's life story. She went into jail three times between january and april. Each time I considered sending the letter, but never did. But, she's sober now, and we still have the love/hate relationship. I never open up to her or let her in my life anymore, but thank you for this post, I feel like I know more about her past now, seeing as how she won't talk about it.

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

Hiya Mallory,

Thanks for your comment and not being hard on me. I always feel a little guilty when I have comments such as yours ecause I could hve so easily been a parent also.

Cracks an awful drug, in many ways much worse than heroin. At least with H when the addict has th money and their dope they are normal. Crack completely changes the personality of the user. I'm just so sorry you had to live through that.

You can mail me ANYTIME.. if you've questions or would just like to talk... I'm always very open.

I hope some day things will go beter around this.... I hope so.

Hope your life goes well.. Take care & Best Wishes, Shane.

kympton said...

It is 20.35 and i have just stumbled upon this electric corner of narco talk, This is the first day of me trying to beat the h monkey that moved from my back into my soul many years ago. I have been looking long for peoples who share the universal pain that is addiction. I,v evaded white now for the last four or five months, but as you say h is a different kettle poppy,s...,lol
Hope to hear from you soon, i will keep looking and posted

addiction friction said...

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Sheron said...

Me and my friend were arguing about an issue similar to this! Now I know that I was right. lol! Thanks for the information you post.
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