You Can't Blame Johnny Thunders!

I knew from the age of 10 that I would be a heroin addict. I used to wander around my school, with my eyes half-closed, acting drowsy and drunk. I think that came from a desire to impress my mother, to be like the men that attracted her. If I judge myself in terms of this, my life has been a succes. If I judge myself from my mothers eyes... I am a star.

My mother has always seemed to be proud of my heroin addiction. She will tell people of it as other mothers will boast of their sons honours and achievements. I know that will sound incredible and perverse to many of you, but I understand the place where she is coming from. When looking at me, she must be proxy to a bizarre mix of contradicting emotions and guilt.

With the butchering of my father, my mother lost (in the most horrific way) the only man she has ever loved. Of three children, I was the secret child of this man. To her, I was all that was left of him: a physical reminder of her lover. As my life began to mirror his, as she watched the new, like she once watched the old, find solace in the needle, she must have really seen in me the reincarnation of of a man she thought was gone forever. In this light, her feelings are not perverse. They are quite natural and understandable. But for all the reflection in the world, I still cannot give an exact reason as to why I have embraced heroin. The above is a small part of a much larger reason... a reason  so large, and so integregated in me, that I cannot even see it.

Many people search for the answers of drug addiction. They will look for some huge rupture or some awful event in the life. But for many addicts this isn’t the case. For many there’s no obvious reason why they turned to drugs - no one defining event. With lack of any hard evidence for a loved ones addiction, many point fingers towards musicians, or artist drug users. They accuse them of gloryifying drug addiction and blame them for turning their fans onto drugs. But one can no more say that listening to Johnny Thunders leads to heroin addiction than one can say that reading Oscar Wilde will turn you into a homosexual. No, if one takes part in these things, it is because the seeds are already sown.

It is true, many addicts will also like the art, music, even the image of junkie artists (and Oscar Wilde has a large gay following) but this is not because people are emulating them, it is because they can identify with their expression, their life. What people must never forget is that heroin is not a fun drug. It is not used to have a good time on, but to make the bad times better. Heroin is a pain killer and an anti-depressant, and those are the underlying reasons behind the majority of addicts.

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There's been some good gear floating aound these past days so I bought as much as my dealer could sell me. I'm just lucky I was in the position to do that.

The other news is that in St. Etienne 5 addicts have been rushed to hospital after collapsing. This adds to the 20 Parisien junkies who had the same problem two weeks ago. They were found,  immediately after fixing, unconscious in their cars, in the street or collapsed down stairwells, . Officially it has not been disclosed whether this is due to ultra strong gear or dirty gear. But I will tell you now, it is dirty heroin. On the news it warns addicts using intravenously to be very careful. But what does that mean? Inject a mini dose? I'm sure we're all going to do that.

I mention the above because St. Etienne is only 30 minutes from Lyon, so it's a little worrying. Still, I know it won't stop water from falling... it won't stop us. How can it? Only death does.

Tomorrow I will meet with the director of the Theo Argence Cultural Centre to organise the dates for a forthcoming exhibition of my paintings. I think it will likely be either late May or early June. You can have a look at my paintings by going to my site: -->>

A Lifetime of Dying: http://shanelevene.hpage.com/