Between Two Hells & Myself

“I only come alive in moments of extreme joy, tragedy or illness. When the heroin is here, I am not, and when it is gone I wake up in pain.... all the intrusion of existence shining in my eyes and blasting through my ear drums. Sometimes I wonder, “Do I even exist at all?”

Heroinhead to his fictitious drug counsellor

* * * * *

It is 4.21am. Outside it is black... the new day has no dawn just yet. I sit on the edge of my bed smoking. On the table there are spoons, needles and lemon juice... but there is no heroin – it’s all gone. My phone is on silent and I am up to 85 missed calls and 27 text messages. My Inbox stands at 117 unread mails. On the floor there are endless wrappers from chocolate bars and cans of soft drinks. A pizza crust smiles at me. I can barely walk... my feet and legs are swollen due to all the injections of the past five days. Scars and bruises trail from my groin down to my ankle and the room smells like stale sex and overflowing ashtrays. I think about doing my filters once again... boiling up the cotton balls I draw my heroin through and straining them through a 5ml syringe. But I don’t do that, it would be the third time and would only result in a pale yellow water. Instead, I unscrew the caps from 3 bottles of 40ml methadone and down the lot. Within an hour the effect will kick in... just in time for the early birds and the sun. I know I will not do much... just nurse my wounds, curse my throat and stomach and groan about how awful I feel. I think about watching a film but the DVD player seems so far way and so low down. Anyhow, in such times nothing can occupy me better than sleep... and sleep will come, I know that. But she will come with heavy smells, age old fears and hyper-realistic nightmares... tormenting me into wishing I was awake. I will be paralysed between two hells and myself, sweating out a weeks worth of junk in Kafka's castle. This is me, Shane X, 12,291 days into my death, waiting for the sun...

Take care All & Best Wishes, Shane. x

44 comments :

Put The Lotion In The Basket said...

yeah there's all that and all, but remember my saint, there's footie in the street with rush goalies and god am I ever gonna whip ya ass at that one, and before ya start contemplating your own death remember Im gonna teach ya to skateboard before that gig.
Shane man you are you and I love you so much for that, so next time ya wake and can't sleep try figuring how we gonna get two fully grown cows into ya wifes tent, cos I can't remember how I did it last time.
Just take some care and know you are loved
As always
Nick
XXXX

All This Trouble... said...

I've been wondering what you were doing.

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

Nick,

Whip my arse and send me skateboarding to hell... sounds perfect to me,lol.

I'm not contemplating my own death, I'm pâst that... i'm thinking of the funeral arrangements! ;)

I'm taking care and feeling better... the landing wasn't as harsh as what I imagined at 5am this morning. Was just tired of telling everyone my modem was down, when they ll knew I was off to Button Moon! lol So I outed myself... the best & only thing to do.

Love returned with Caps Lock on, Shane. xxx

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

Hiya All This Trouble,

...and now you know! ;)

Thanks for the comment... All my wishes, Shane. x

Put The Lotion In The Basket said...

Hey
Im not gonna push ya down no hill, whipping ya ass Im gonna run alongside ya, like you do to me.
No skateboarding hell here ya fool.
Love You Man
Nick XXX

B. Zombie [Vanessa] said...

Hey Shane! I don't know what to say... :/ Take care, ok?

I haven't slept much neither. I have no more exams and I pass the year (YEAH) but, I'm still under a lot of stress.

Anyway, take care. I'll wait here for the next post.


Kiss kiss
Stay Strong
Vanessa

Constanze Jo. said...

''This is me, Shane X, 12,291 days into my death, waiting for the sun...''

waiting for the sun... the sun is deep deep inside you, my friend, beyond the heroin, or any material kind of addiction... i don't want to be critical about your doing so, i know it's none of my business, but it feels like i care. you know you can get over your death, it's a matter of self control i believe, although it's harsher than those simple words. but still, is it worth to treat yourself like that..? you must be really enjoying yourself, but what for? maybe you should consider things over a little, life's short and passes by fast, don't you feel the need to catch up on it? get over your past, whatever it's been like, take care of your own self, what do you want your life to be connected with, drugs and defeatism..?
i'm sorry in case i seem a bit aggressive, but it makes me sad to know that people who can be strong and rely on themselves ''bow'' to their self-weaknesses...
maybe i'm totally wrong though, so forgive my being a 'know-all', i don't want to be misunderstood!

take care... i really wish you all the best :)

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

Hiya Constanze Jo,

Nice too see you back here... and thanks for your time and words.

Don't mind me too much... I have too big a fantsy! lol

When I talk about 'death' I refer to 'Life'. Instead of saying "i've been living for 12,000 days", I prefer to say "i've been dying for 12,000 days." It is nearer the truth. But not in a negative way, we are all dying it's a disease we are all born with... i accept that and state it.

Missing out on life... I don't feel that. I live just as much as someone who drinks a few glasses of wine over dinner. In fact, I think I do more. I paint and write for 10 hours a day and have produced more work and more paintings and more poems and more songs than a non-drug user. I also read a lot and have many interest outside of arts. I think that someone who works 8 hours a day shovelling bricks is missing out on life... or someone packing boxes full of frozen chickens. That's the real tragedy in this world.

Also, you know the user neverreally enjoys heroin... it's not a party drug. It's not for enjoyment we use, but more to fill a chemical imbalance. Most times it's used as an anti-depressant, sometimes as a painkiller. With me I use because I am an addict... though the reason I use now and the reason I first began using are completely different. But it was never for fun or enjoyment... I've never taken heroin and gone out dancing. It is a drug apart from all others and has a relation with prescription drugs more than the other illicit drugs.

I understand why you commented what you did though... I asked for it! ;) But it was just an early morning post as I woke looking at the wreckage of 5 days of abandonment. Nothing more than that.

Thanks once again for even commenting... thoughts and wishes, Shane. x

sKILLz said...

I know the feeling ALL too WELL!
It sucks really.
Everything seems to be a hassle. Everything is a task, even taking a shower. Fucking sucks ass!
Curious, what are the marks on your groin? You shoot there?

I have done this many times over.
Not checking emails.
Not answering my phone unless it is a TOTAL emergency.
Just sitting around shooting up, eating, fucking, smoking ciggs, and shooting, and fucking some more...

Don't worry " This to shall pass"
I'm here for you ALWAYS!
Stay up

kelly Al-Saleh said...

i know what you mean...

life without has too many sharp edges i think... and everything seems boring and flat. too real it's hyper-real. effort of living.

i am waiting for symptoms to get bad before i sub. waiting.. waiting. sniff, was that the 1st sign, no too early, just a sniffle. yawn... no tears, just a normal yawn... wait a bit longer.
3 days of waking up in a sweat before stabalising and nightmares/weird dreams.

Keep finding bits of used foil and reminiscing. hmmm, did I blooter it too fast? is there any way I could have made it last longer? Why didn't I savour every second when I did have it?

ah well, peaks and troughs, feasts and famine.

Kelly xxxooo

Kat Skratch said...

Not sleeping... Yeah... I know that feeling very very well.
I know the feeling of scraping the plate hoping somehow you'll find a line of powder you had missed somehow. Knowing you've already done that 27 times, and it's useless.

I am here, wishing you well. Thanks for another update friend.

I took your advice BTW. I bared a little soul. And I think maybe it's time for more, to J. But I'm afraid the play's nearly over there.
Thanks though, for the advice. I appreciated it.

Brilliance, love, magic, and positivity sent to you.

Kat

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Shane,
I am just popping by to say yo. I have nothing deep to impart on this wretched Monday.

Love you,

SB

kelly Al-Saleh said...

please excuse me from gym, I got this terrible cold coming on...
Headmasters Ritual


;-I

Syd said...

Glad to read that you are living life as you like it and doing what you want to do. It sounds as if you are awakening from the past 4-5 days. I'm looking forward to the full post. Hang in there. Stay alive.

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

Hiya B Zombie,

Well done on your exams... that's great news!!! I have no doubt you'll do well... it's obvious by the content of your comments to my posts. I think you'll have a wonderful future.

All my love and wishes and hopes, Shane. x

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

Hiya B Zombie,

Well done on your exams... that's great news!!! I have no doubt you'll do well... it's obvious by the content of your comments to my posts. I think you'll have a wonderful future.

All my love and wishes and hopes, Shane. x

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

Hiya My Brooklyn B,

No, I don't inject in my groin... though i bloody considered it when my veins are playing up and won't take the bait!

The marks I refered to are actually on the top inside of my thigh... the vein that runs up the inside of the leg (the good one!!)

Yeah, it will pass... it always has before and so it shall again.

Love & respect, Shane. x

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

Kelly,

You're SO right there!! I also get paranoid and start evaluating every yawn and sniff. For me it is the yawn that's the first sign. That yawn that stretches every muscle in your face and burns and wates your eyes. And it doesn't stop... every ten seconds and getting worse... oh lord!!! It's fucking awful, hey?

Thanks for your tm and wrds... love an wishes as ever, Shane. x

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

Hiya Kat,

Glad you took the advice the right way, and if the plays up, well... it's best it ens before anyone gets too attached and hurt. I think you deserve more anyway... and Im sure you'll find it.

All my Love, Shane. x

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

Hiya SB,

Nothing deep to impart on myself this wretched day... but tomorrow is Tuesday and on tuesdays I give roses to the dogs. That means all is well again.

Love pocketed and returned, Shane. x

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

Hiya Syd,

Actualy it's not what i enjoy... went little crazy. I've lived out my addictin using quite moderately and cannot bare feeling as I did sunday morning. It's too much a strain on the body. It's not often tht happens and there was no other reasothatn there was a strong batch of gear around. I see it as a waste of time. I slept for 5 days (or I may have well have done) didn't read, write paint nor blog. All the things that are important to me I let slip. Anyhow, back on track now an that's what's important.

Thanks as always for your time and words. My very best, Shane.

Greta said...

"A pizza crust smiles at me"

Awesome. Mine only always frown.
No... really. Favorite line besides the smelly one.
Trifle girl is interested in the pizza topping. And in the chocolate bar brands. And in how you're right now?! Were you able to fix it? Hope you're save and and happy by now. x!

Andy said...

Mon cher ami...

Well, I was wondering about the lack of response to my email. And now I know.

I continue to wait with patience.

As ever, your old friend...

A. xx

Marisa Jeanne said...

I'm not sure how you found my blog or why you added me, but thank you for doing so. I've added this blog to my list to follow; I look forward to reading what you write.

kelly Al-Saleh said...

hope you're bearin up!

Have you got a substitute to get u thru? I know it's the equivalent of chemical castration for addicts but at least you won't be ill.

I've had to stick to the script cos I've been too bad of late. It's been too good and too easy. I could easily rattle through £60 a day (when £20 was enough before). My mortgage demands it. That's the price you pay for being a functional addict... ups and downs.

I got some DVDs at the weekend; 'La Haine' (loved the bit with the NWA sample 'Fuck tha police') and a Truffaut film about a murderess 'Une belle fille comme moi'. So got something to watch if telly is crap (as it usually is).

I hope your leg(s) is better and swelling gone down. i don't need to tell you to get to a doctor if not.

take care x Kelly x

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

Salut Mon Ami,

Thanks for your patiece and your mail. You will receive a reply I haven't forgotten you: ;)

I've still a spare phone card we have to get through... so we'll speak soon also.

Until then... my thanks and thoughts, Shane. xx

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

Hiya Marisa,

Welcome to Memoires!!! I found you reading a few random blogs and enjoyed what you were posting about... nothing more than tht.

Many thanks for your time and words, Shane.

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

Hey Ya Kelly,

Oh, I'm fine now thank you!!! It was just the first day after a bit of a binge.

Yes, I've alwy a substitute, but the first day off the B is still a little tough. It staves off the physical sickness, but underneath one can still feel somethinfg isn't quite right... the heroin pouring out the body. Also, for the first two days, I need to triple my meth dose just to hold me. 3 days (without fail) and I'm back to normal. It only happens with good gear, and it's very rare you get that in France. I will send you a mail explaining the difference as it's quite unbelievable.

Glad you're anothr who can get their priorities correct and pay the mortgage first and smack second. Whenever I mention people like you or myself on this blog, those who can still keep a hold on things, I get endless comments saying it's "bollocks" and "are you sure?". It seems that some people have only one experience of B and cannot or will not believe that not all users will sell their soul to devil for a bag... it really gets annoying. When they finally accept it, they will always finish by saying... "well, it will happen... it ALWAYS does!"

Anyway, hope you're fine & hopefully I should be in London in August. All my love and thoughts, Shane. x

B. Zombie [Vanessa] said...

Hi Shane, just leaving you this link that might interest you :http://www.myspace.com/oswilde

hahah

Take care
Stay Strong
kiss kiss

Vanessa

Gledwood said...

Glad I'm not the only one out there who does filters 3 or more times!

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Shane My Dear,
A bit worried about you. Everything okay?

Love,

SB

Anonymous said...

"Missing out on life... I don't feel that. I live just as much as someone who drinks a few glasses of wine over dinner. In fact, I think I do more."

Yeah, keep deluding yourself

Kat Skratch said...

Miss you. Your posts.

Hope you are well sir Shane. I'm a touch worried myself too. :)

Get back to us soon. <3

Kat

Eli said...

That's one of my most feared places, Shane. When even sleep doesn't offer an escape, because of the "hyper-realistic" nightmares. It's awful because I can't stop being and feeling, even by escaping into sleep. And I think for us addicts it's not so much that we want to feel good, but that we just want to stop feeling. Sounds rough. Hang in there and, like Syd said, stay alive.

Pearl said...

Hiya, Shane
I just started reading your blog and I can't summon the words which could try to explain my amazement.
Your writing is perfect and I can't believe I spend so much time on one blog!

I really, really hope that everything works out well for you. How are things lately?

Looking forward to your next post,

Pearl

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Anonymous,
Fuck you, you anonymous chicken- shit motherfucker. Shane is too polite to say that in response to your comment, but I'm not.

If you're going to call some one delusional, you should at least have the decency and the balls to sign your name to the comment.

You are a nasty person. Mind you own life and leave my friend alone. He is doing the best he can.

Sincerely,

Sarcastic Bastard
(I have a Web site if you care to reply to me, but if you send me an anonymous comment, it will be deleted).

kelly Al-Saleh said...

Sarcastic Bastard, I love your balls!

I don't understand the anonymous option these self-opinionated, self-righteous twats adopt. They always hide their identity. Why?

It's bad cos it gives all the Anons a bad name. Everytime I see Anonymous now I presume it's a nasty comment (until I read it).

I would really like one of these 'Anons' to answer why they hide their id (since they know so much!)??

Are they ashamed? (they should be)
Are they scared? (perhaps they should be - according to their 'thinking' all addicts are murdering bastards).
What are they doing following a blog they so strongly disagree with?

I don't follow blogs by the BNP, KKK, Right-wingers, Right wing Christians, Anti-abortionists, Racist, Fascist fuckwitts etc!!!

In their minds addicts are worse than paedophiles (uk spelling). They have their priorities all wrong. But that's their choice, we don't ram our opinion down peoples throats so why do they?

They don't even offer any intellectual basis for their 'arguments', just finger wagging or insults. They're dictators, they're beyond comprehending because they don't listen, just dictate.

The worst thing of all, I think, is that they insult whilst hiding behind a wall of anonymity. Cowards!
Spineless swine!

Well done SB for standing up for our pal. I'm standing with you.

xKelly

ps. SB, hope you're ok. You were really really down a few days ago.

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

SB & Kelly,

You've brought me out of hibernation!! lol Thanks for holding the front line... and you're right SB, I'm too polite to say that.

Anyway, it's not the first time this particular anonymous has jumped in from the right, covered in swastika's and minus a brain. Infact, I think he/she spends more time on the blog than anyone else. If you notice, he/she was just quoting one of my replies... not anything from the post itself, but my answer to Constanze Jo's comment. That's something, hey? Quoting my comments!!!

Anyway, Anon is welcome back... at least when here IT can't be tying black people to trees or gay-bashing! take cofort in that thought.

I'm very well... a post will be here very soon (next day or so). I won't lie and say things have been smooth, they haven't... but I am fine, and my silence is the result of a hiccup, a summer drought and an unanswered phone. Probs of the trade I'm afraid. :(

Take care... keep watching and fighting, and a new HH post will arrive (with a dual dedication!!)

All my Love, wishes, hopes and thanks.. Shane. xxx

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Shane,
Thanks for putting all of our minds at ease. You are VERY loved.

Kelly,
There is no one I would rather have backing me up. SB loves ya.

I don't know for the life of me why people can't just let other people alone and realize that they are doing the best they can. Life is very hard, and everybody has different circumstances. What is the point in making other people feel bad about themselves? That's not going to help anyone want to give up an addiction. And EVERYBODY has an addiction of some sort. I'll bet Anonymous does too--maybe it's sex or spending or food, but I'll bet there is something. So that makes it hypocritical as well as pointless and mean.

Suck it, Anonymous!

Greta said...

Anusnymous' addicitions are probably the internet, retarded comments and trolling.
Sure thing is he or she doesn't deserve our attention.

Greta from a 32°C room.

Fishwhiskers said...

Shane, hang in there ... better days are round the corner. Love Fishy xx

All This Trouble... said...

Anon obviously has an addiction and that would be Shane's blog and stirring trouble. I find that the folks who don't care for me or proclaim my faults from the cyber-rooftops, are the ones who visit my blog the most. Interesting since I just write about the same old shit day after day after day.

Herbert Barry Woodrose said...

this is a post I've been waiting for. I knew (sorry, I thought, or felt) that you didn't want to sensationalize yourself and so it would be a tricky thing to maneuver, but I was looking for that post that was happening now, not a memory. you know I love it all here, but this was a side I was looking for.

also, admitting you were just turned off and not communicating. I was also wondering why i wasn't seeing posts for an extended time (i have my excuse! i just left the city and moved into the fucking mountains - i'm on a permanent camping trip) and that starts the usual meandering thoughts, like "gee, if shane overdoes it, or goes too long before he gets the new, strong good shit, and he doesn't wake up, how will we even know?"

That's the kind of selfish, panicky thought I get when I'm avoiding how I really feel about it.

Much like Greta flipping over your descriptions of smells (which I appreciate also) I flip over the immediacy of a post like this, as small and ... almost embarrassed of itself ... as it is.

It reminds me that a heroin user is always deeply, somewhere, unsettled enough about what they are doing that they may even be pushed to lie about it. I think people don't lie because of heroin, I think people lie because we make them feel shitty about heroin. I used to think marijuana made one insanely paranoid. Then I smoked where people weren't around and I didn't feel anything close to paranoia.

Cotton balls: I've scraped and re-scraped bowls until I was essentially smoking metal filings back in the day. And that's just for herb.

Also, one of my 'quirks' is that I can suddenly turn off without warning. No calls, no internet, no mail, and I will only see people who come right to my door. This happens without drugs or depression. I just - and I have no control over this, have no idea it's about to happen - need time to myself to think. I have a lot to think about all the time. People insist that it IS depression, but I'm not sad about anything. It's not depressing, always or even usually, to take a break from humans.

That's not to say we are exactly alike or that we even do these things for exactly the same reasons - but to let you know you are certainly not writing in some foreign language and that a lot of us - heroin free- completely get it.

Peace S. X., if there's one thing I can say for sure you are not spreading here, it's delusion. This place is nothing but Bare.

Oh and I'm so glad my friend Anonymous came to call! She always tells it like she sees it, we can say that for her. I don't think she sees so well though.

And... frankly, I've begun to suspect more than one person are using that name. They all speak with the same voice, judgment. So that confused me. But the spelling always varies.

I'm on to ye, anon!

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

Hiya H,

That was a important post to write, because sometimes here people can start to think hat heroin has NO ill effects, that it is able to be kept completely under control. I only want a trutrhful account of use to be had here, and so I had to post that. I also felt so terrible for not answering comments or mails, andover the weeks I'd run out of excuses. The only way to release that was with the truth... and it did. I felt better immediately after posting it.

I won't lie and say that that period is past... it still lingers on, and it still affects my posting. But post I will.. regardless of anything I will do that.. that is a promise I hae with myself.

hang in there H, and traffic will pick up soon. All my wishes & respect, Shane. x