Le Désespoir de la France

To the two people who mailed this week wishing that my absence hopefully means I'm dead.... Well I'm not!  I've been trying as hard as ever, but it's very difficult to kill yourself in France... especially on a Sunday. God, just to get a packet of cigarettes is hassle enough. This is no place for the suicidal. I guess that's why everyone seems so bloody depressed here... there's just no way out. About the only viable option is chucking yourself off a bridge and into one of the two rivers, but that's far from a certainty. The last guy who tried it floated calmly downstream for ten miles, and reaching shallower depths, hauled himself out and mooched back home sopping wet. No, death here is about as hard as living anywhere else... so I'm afraid you'll be stuck with me for the foreseeable future. Concerning some new posts... they're on their way. They'll be a new post on each site within a week. A History of Rotten Teeth (working title) for here, and a post called Who's The Uncle Now? for So Dog We Were. Hopefully after that there'll be a  period of sustained posting... but that's no more of a certainty than  drowning in France.

Hope everyone's well... Until Soon... Kicking against the tide...



Wildernesschic said...

Hahaha cant wait :)
oops not for your demise, for the new posts.
I was actually catching up on my blog roll .. blog with an L.. and to my delight this popped up..

Love Ruth xx

Gravediggin' Under the Mancy Way said...

Hey Shane,
Hahahahaha, it's quite flattering that people spent a fragment of their precious lives to take the time to email you death wishes...they must be deathperately bored. Well, the suicide months are drawing in. Wishing death on people they don't know is a possible distraction from re-drafting their own suicide notes, perhaps? Well, I'm just glad not to be living in Norway.
Looking forward to your next posts, in the meantime, wishing you long life and happiness
Vee X
PS I tried to post before but the web spider noshed it, so if it comes up in 2 differently worded versions, blame google X

Chef Green said...

I'm glad you're well, Shane! Too funny about it being hard to kill yourself in France. I also would like to read the post you deleted(?),the one called "Where Does A Heroin Addict Inject."

I haven't checked up on the blogs for a week or so, but thought I would look tonight--because as I was driving home this evening, a strain from one of your songs was in my head. "If I never held you through the night, you must forgive me..." You really do up some nice music.

Talk Soon I Hope,

Russell said...

and it was International Overdose Awareness Day yesterday (31-8-12) - perhaps a good day for checking out with an overdose for those feeling suicidal. Though you wouldn't be very aware of the overdose if you were dead, which kind of defeats the purpose I guess. I think its time for an International Proper-Dose Awareness Day... maybe 364 days a year of them...

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

I'll reply to you all properly a bit later, just for now, picking up on my Friend the Chef's comment...

The Injecting post was never deleted, just posts which I feel aren't part of the main blog I backdate so they automatically go to the foot of the blog (as if they were the first ever post). So you'll only find them by following the direct link or people searching such queries (which are what these kind of posts are for... to pick up readers via search terms)

Proper comments to follow... X

Here's the link Chef:

Where Do Addicts Inject

Gledwood said...

Yeah I always wondered how people managed to commit suicide by drowning. Isn't it second nature to tread water? How does anyone manage to sink under. You'd have to take a wheelbarrow full of rubble to stuff into your pockets and even then it probably wouldn't work. I've always thought an express train is the surest option, especially if you have the guts to lie with your neck across the tracks, which is easier said than done.

Did you know a dr in London got into trouble for prescribing a patient who was already on methadone amps diamorphine for dental caries. The General Medical Council took a really dim view of this. Well those bastards should try being a heroin addict with toothache before they judge anyone else. You know they struck off Colin Brewer ~~ with his track record of getting scores of people off the gear. Fucking bastards.

When I'm rich I'm going to start my own private clinic that will offer ALL available remedies including injectable diamorphine and hydromorphone plus everything else, including oral methadone for anyone deluded enough to think that's a viable treatment when everything else is available. I bet I won't be able to open this clinic on British shores though.

You know the Tory govt is actually pushing drug policy backwards. They're totally against methadone maintenance. Originally they droned on about putting every junkie in rehab. Surprise surprise now they realize they cannot pay for that, so they're pushing people into doing what I wanna do anyhow (although I'm the only person I know who does want it) and that's titrating methadone down "in the community"... ukhhhhh... anyway I posted on all this today.

Hope you're OK down there in France. And I hope it isn't too sweltering HOT HOT HOT ha ha!

Carrion Doll said...

HaaHaa, right on Vee, close to what I was thinking.

Shane, it is so good to hear from my favorite writer. I can't wait for the new posts!!

Lots of love ad good wishes,
Carrion Doll

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

hey Ruth... blog roll??? What's that some kind of an excericise? Do 10 blog rolls, 30 double clicks, 5 Google searches and a download... all while smoking and drinking extra strong coffee. Beats that mad Lizzies workouts on TV AM.... close your eyes now if you can't face the memory of what YOU used to do every morning at 7am! X

Mad Lizzie TV-AM

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

Hey Vee... Oh, they're not the first such wishes I've had... only this time it wasn't a family member! haha Anyone who spends their time reading here, tarcking down my email address, writing a mail and waiting for a reply has been a little more affected by my words than most. It's probably something to do with that why they hate me so much... I may spoil their idea of what they think a heroin addict is and can do.

A long life... I wouldn't mind but I think it's too late for such fancy thoughts now... I think the damage is irreversible. Covered in half-decent clothes I don't look too bad, but below the life shows and I feel it... and God only knows what my insides must look like. If I was too wager I wouldn't bet past seven years. But you never know... I might get unlucky and have to work until I retire. XXX

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

hey Jeremy... XXX

I don't get too many comments on my songs but I've always been proud of them and thought I could have probably done something with them if I didn't take other routes during those years. I've got so many more and keep meaning to record them and put them up but never manage to do it. During the years I really wanted to make music it wasn't only heroin which got in the way. I found it impossible to find even one person who shared similar musical ideas let alone 3 or 4. Also, my guitar playing is absolutely dreadful and so it would have had to be people who respected me as a songwriter and wwere prepared to carry me musically.... and many musicians, if they're not writing the songs, only give a fuck about their part in it. So it was a mix of different things which blocked that road. Strangely enough, since the age of 15 when I first seriously thought of wanting to write for a life, I always said that I wouldn't even try until I was 35. My plan was: music until 28 and if nothing happens start seriously concentrating on writing as an option. In fact, by the age of 28 writing came as a natural successor as I found that I could no longer say what I wanted in song lyrics or poems. The format was too restricting and short and I had so much more to say than they afforded me. So it was really a natural step... like going from small to medium to large canvasses.

Hope you're well Chef... Love and Thoughts Shane.

ps: I'll get an email to you sometime in the week. X

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...


PS: Concerning losing comments etc. When writing online, whether comments, mail or blog post... if it's longer than a short sentence get in the habit of writing on a text document on your computer and then copying and pasting when you're finished. If not you'll have a history of losing things... either by mistake or those damn page crashes just as you hit send. I've lost miles of texts and posts in that fashion and now never write directly onto forms. Gmail is ok as there's an auto save feature.... probably the same with Yahoo mail. X

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

Hey Carrion Doll... X

Thanks for all you say and bearing the wait.

About the best thing people can do for me at this point , if they really regard me amongst their favourite writers, is to make that official (whether it's on their sidebar or adding my name to favourite books/authors in their blog or facebook or myspace profiles). It really helps when publishers or agents (or anyone) Googles my name to find honest third party testaments.

Anyway, aside from all that nonsense... hope you're keeping well and behaving badly carrion Doll... Love and Wishes, Shane. X

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

hey Gleds... I'll skip the drug policy stuff and treatment.... it is all pre-occupying and never goes anywhere and as long as I'm well I suppose I don't really care so much. I don't like campaigning for things just because it affects me and as we've discussed before, my experience (even with dia-morphine) is that it is nowhere near anything like street heroin. In fact, all junkies I've known on dia-morphine would gladly sell their amps so as they can score street smack (baring those who seriously want to get clean).

Jesus, the weather here has been torturous... the past fortnight especially. However, the last two days the temperatures have really dropped and it's even got a little chilly through the nights and early mornings. I'm overjoyed as the heat crucifies me... I'm a person who enjoys the cold and clothes which hug tight and soft.

Hope you're well Gleds and good luck with getting your hands on all those legal drugs.... God, it wouldn't matter which country you was in if you had even half that lot you mentioned!

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

Hey Russell... overdose awareness day... well, you know my thoughts on fatal heroin OD - it's one of the biggest myths and insults they lay on us. So I'm fully with you on the 364 days of proper and consistent dosing.

Any junkie knows: there's only one thing worse than an overdose and that's an under-dose.

Hope you're well Doctor and we'll speak more soon... X

Lee Deville said...

Today I was thinking about you,
It has been quite a while,
and then right afterward I read the 'internet news magazine' I read,
and found an article by Tony O'Neill.
That made me think about you some more.
So I came here, and found
that you had another project
which I look forward to reading.
I'm going to try to read some more
on blogger, since I ride the train so much,
especially now that I'm back at school.
Also, I have a project that I would love to talk to you about
after I get it off the ground.

I hope you are doing well.

the [RESET] kingdom still comes,
d r . Lee

Gravediggin' Under the Mancy Way said...

Hey Shane,
Thanks for your reply to my odd email :)
I got told by the woman who let me detox in her house when I actually wanted to get clean for good:
"You'll probably die young anyway because of all the damage you've done to your body, so do something useful with your life now eh? Paint, write and get published"
"Yeah, thanks for that...and I paint and write anyway!"
"Then get published and paint and write more..."
Hey, who knows, eh, we can't predict it...I feel older than I should, aches and pains and braindeadery...but hey, we're alive and a lot hope otherwise.
I'll put you a link up to your sites when I find out how to make a fancy side bar. Do you want one for Bubblegum too? Just found it the other day...
Vee X

Unknown said...

Dear Shane,

Holy crap man. I have been following your trail of stories across the 'net for a few weeks now, hopelessly hooked after reading Memoirs. I forget what search terms I used, but I stumbled in somehow and found it to be just what I was looking for. What a nice surprise it has been from beginning to end! I so enjoyed reading nearly the entire collection. Whatever I may have missed, I look forward to finding later like when you find that nice sized little crumb of whatever under your bed after all the rest is gone.

Before I was desperate enough to re-comb Memoirs, I found another collection of yours (the one with 36 dead borne babies) and was intrigued further still. Reading that lead me to Mine for the Taking. A grand buildup of a story that apparently was killed before it died. I understand that. Matter of fact, that it was cut short only endeared me closer to you. We seem to share a lot of personality traits based on what I've read and that's one of my most infamous - starting something grand only to abandon it before its finished. Or maybe you did finish it and I should just shut up.

I feared that i would find no more Shane laVein to immerse myself in, but then all my anxiety was extinguished when I found WFJ. Daaays of escapism for me there. FanFuckinTastic! I literally could not put it down.

Examples: Every smoke break. Every crap in the ladies room. Driving home from work in rush hour listening to radiohead on my phone via YouTube and a cord that connects to my radio and at every stop light that seems as it will last 30 seconds or more, I switch to safari browser and patiently read as much of the story as possible WITHOUT RUSHING IT until the light turns green again then back to radiohead until the next red light. I'm surprised I haven't had an accident.

I just had to give you my praise. If there was more writing out there like yours I would certainly be a more avid reader.

Is there more available from you? Please tell me where to find it all? :)

If there is none, can you recommend anyone else with a similar style or subject matter? Thanks to you I checked out Sick City and D&O on Murder Mile which were really good ... but I need more Shane :)

It's mainly the drugs, sex and violence I adore and smeared together with your style, it's just ... I don't know it just seems to be made up just for me :) I wish you all the best especially with your work. You deserve a nice paycheck if nothing else in return for your talent. Thank you for sharing it!

Warmest regards from Texas, USA

p.s. thanks for throwing Winehouse in there too. I just love her to death. In fantasy I can picture you, her and me as flatmates, sitting around doing absolutely nothing together and loving every minute of it. Ha!

Gravediggin' Under the Mancy Way said...

Hey Amy,
I wanted to go write a comment over on your page but your profile's set so as I can't...so sorry, Shane, to lay out the fried spam here...
It's nothing like as good as Shane's writing in my grouchy, self-defacing opinion, and I'm sure most, if not all would agree, hell, even your rave review's more gushing than mine hahaha, but if you've got 5 bored minutes when you've run out of the good stuff, sat by a traffic light, give my poisonous little b(l)ags a try over at my new blog. You never know, it might relieve the Sha(ne)(a)ches for a bit.
Though probably not.
Try it. It's called Grave Diggin' Under the Mancy Way and I'm posting a book I wrote years ago and kept in a drawer for 11 years, literally. And other bits of stuff.
Maybe I should have left it there, but you won't know if you don't try.
Vee da Gravedigga X
Shane, did you ever post as Shane, or always as Memoires? I reckon posting as Vee has its drawbacks...X

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

Amy... thanks for all you say... it's very kind. I'm not ignoring you just haven't got time to reply in full right now and as you've probably seen I never brush people off with one line or word replies. So bear with me one more day and I'll have you a nice little reply for tomorrow. I'm not sure what Mine for the Taking is??? I think maybe you're mistaken about me writing that.??? Just the title seems like something I'd never go with. Until tomorrow, Thoughts and Wishes, Shane. X

hey Vee... I ALWAYS post under Shane... and more than Shane, my full name (which is also my real name). You've read the posts... I always sign off with my name. It's one of the things which kinda got early respect as I was writing about heroin and illegal activity, using all real names and places and times and was writing without a pseudonym. Tap my name into Google and it comes straight here. There's even photos and my signature... now that's what they refer to as 'Bang to Rights'!. It's caused me huge problems with employment and even with the French police, but I refuse to write under any other name. It's either confidence or stupidity... I guess time will be the judge on that one. Oh, and I've always used three dots when writing informally... but have cut it out all other writing. I picked it up when I was fifteen from the song lyrics of a band called The Dog's D'amour and have used them myself ever since. I used to use them in the posts themselves but now really restrict them as they encourage poor, weak and lazy sentences, and are a nightmare to clear up on the redraft as you're left with hundreds of fragmented sentences which then need to be re-written... which of course affects the rhythm of the preceding and proceeding phrases and they then also need to be rewritten. Because of the unique pause time they afford, you often resurface in the middle of what should be a new sentence, but because the subject is left way back in the opening it's then not a sentence at all and unpublishable. So it's a habit to escape in formal writing which you would ideally like to see go to a publisher. X

Gravediggin' Under the Mancy Way said...

Hey Shane,
Thanks for replying.
Yeah, the three dots is a habit I've always found... ... ...hard to shift. It's like those bloody smilies. I keep having to fight the urge to :) at the end of sentences. Starting sentences with "And".....(fuck, 5 dots there.) I picked the smilies up on facebook, which I have a hate/vaguely dislike attitude towards.
(I meant how your name comes up as the name of your blog, then you sign afterwards. I reckon Vee sounds boring, less click on this link-able than if I used the name of my blag)
My Old Man used to say notoriety was a faster route to fame, and then face the consequences. But I was never a fan of non-notorious books. All the greats have an element of taboo. That's what makes them un-put-downable. The notorious can identify, whilst the outsider can mentally master-bate, becoming for a moment the master of what they dare not do.
I didn't mean that to offend people, so no offence meant to anyone.

Yeah, it's weird too, looking back on my old writings. Even more recent, rushed stuff. It makes sense that you take time between posts. I have much better stuff that I'm saving for someone to actually make into a book.
Do you think there's a prejudiced view that says, "On principal, we won't publish Shane Levene, because he shows a bad example in his personal life by not getting clean?"
Is there an element of that? I don't see why, as the arts world is rife with addiction. It makes me mad that your books aren't on the shelf though. But as you say, trash lit is rife.
When we were nineteen, a friend and I decided to write a Mills and Boon just to make fast money. It was so hideous, we couldn't get past the first chapter.
Well, have a beautiful night, whatever you're doing. And thanks for the joke on my rave review, I enjoyed that.
Vee X

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

Oh, the Memoires thing is just the default name because it's teh official name of the site. These things get picked up by search engines and so it's much better to have the words 'memoir' and 'heroin' than my name.

It doesn't take long to write the posts, and I don't think anyone can write better by taking their time... the wildness of poetry doesn't come through concentration but instinct. For example, since the last proper post I put up I have literally started twenty five other various posts, finished three (none of which I think say very much and so get archived and picked apart), many aren't suitable for memoirs and so will sit as first drafts until I have somewhere to put them. I also keep sketching out novels and running texts and also do loads of language exercises and experiments, playing around with format and structure and weaving bits of texts together in new ways and seeing howthat works. same I do loads of little texts playing with dialogue and tense and finding new ways and places where the story can get told. Whenever I read I always finish with a set of exercises for each writer, things I liked which could be expanded upon and made mine. Sometimes they work and sometimes tey don't, but it's all stuff that makes the reading of a text that much more interesting and involving. It also gives the text a rhythm, and that rhythm can be satisfying and rewarding to experience. So even when there's no posts here there's still a hell of a lot of writing going on... the sites are just the tip, and for every post I post there are 5 that get finished and either archived or binned. I have to feel the piece has what I want my writing to have and transcends the subject. If not I won't post it. I'd certainly never save better stuff... the site is a shopfront of my writing and so it'd be counter productive to post anything I considered mediocre or half decent. If a publisher passes I want to be sure that no matter what post is up, no matter what page they land on, that they have only the best representation of what I do. If not you've no real hope as they'll immediately pass you off as a 'novice' or an 'aspiring writer' and you're finished once you've a tag like that on your backside as most 'bloggers' write to a very acceptable and publishable standard... but writing something worthwhile and with a signature style is something entirely different and I don't believe it is something you can learn. i'd also only give the readers what I think is the best I can do.

The publishing thing is a huge response and I've not time to go into that. Yes publishers generally want something that is redeeming, but they'll never get that from me. Junk or life is very rarely redeeming... that's not how these things end. So it'd be a huge dishonesty to pander to commercial pressures and end this finding God and getting clean. Fuck, that's what Dostoevsky did and it's not for me. But their are smaller independent publishers who genuinely love literature and new and honest voices... so it's a matter of waiting for news to get to the right ears. I could write a safe book around the Nilsen thing and have it published within months, but I'd never lower myself to do that. It'll need to be a bit of a maverick who takes me on and someone who's got a good gamble in them. But something will happen... it's gotten close a few times and there are always little things going on and little hopes arriving in emails.

Oh well.. that's me done... fuck the typos i'm hitting send and then hitting the hay... Love and Thoughts, Shane. X

Gravediggin' Under the Mancy Way said...

Hee Hee, can't resist a :)
Perfect sense there.
A friend just told me I'm full of big ego and low self esteem as an addict and a writer. Maybe she's right and that's why I post the stuff from back in the day.
I'm also a total bloody insomniac and I'll also press send and attempt to sleep.
love& inspiration as always,
Vee X

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

Dusty... Fuck I forgot you and you're one of my favourite writers! Can you imagine how i'd be with those I've got no respect for! XXX

Funny you mention Tony O'neill as he turns up in my next post as I recount a bit of our meeting in paris. I won't say anymore and spoil the surprise but I think it's gonna be a classic memoires post... although these things can quickly change and end up deleted instead.

i'm gonna get you that email I keep promising Dusty... I've just been overwhemed ith correspondences these last two weeks and seem to do nothing other tahn write emails. And as you know, I'll often answer more than the mail itself! X

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

hey again Amy... I'm with you in earnest now.. X

I not quite sure what to reply to all the flattering stuff you say because I read my own words from a very critical stance and am always looking to improve them. Anyone who thinks they've got writing sussed is a fool because it's an ongoing process and can always be better and leaner and more of this and less of that.

God, I've bits and pieces all over the web, have even left tales and short running posts in certain comment sections. It's important to write on varied stuff and not get bogged down on the heroin thing. Just to write about heroin and scoring and addicts gets boring very damned quickly and even faster marks you out as someone who can only write because they've a subject to write about. Personally I don't separate my writing but regard it as all one and the same thing. If I separate it at all it'd be in time... as what you wrote five years ago or now wil be very different to what you write in five years from now.

Or maybe you did finish it and I should just shut up.

As I said yesterday I didn't EVEN start it! haha.. so finishing it will be very unlikely.

WFJ... yes, I think some of my best writing is within that book. It was an inspired time and probably the most creative time I've ever gone through. Still, I think nothing beats the 100 or so people who followed WFJ as in unraveled daily. Becasue of all the clues that gradually arrived and the fake newspapers, etc etc... it was something realy special seeing that evolve each day and the entire world slowly encroaching upon poor Tristram.

More of my stuff on the web??? There probably is under various pseudonyms... I don't even know where to find them. What I do know is that if I've forgotten it then it must be pretty worthless stuff. Probably just hang on a while and lots of new stuff will be put up here and on So Dog We Were.

Jesus, I don't know who to recommend... I certainly can't think of anyone who reminds me of me. Contemporary writers I enjoy are: Ben Okri, Brett Easton Ellis (especially his early work, Less than Zero, etc), Dennis Cooper, Cormac Mccarthy (he gets a lot of stick but the man can write feverish stuff)... it really depends what you're after and why you're reading. One book I know you'll love, and is on subject an all, is Dandy in the Underworld by Sebastian Horsley (died last year unfortunately). There's also a writer called Donald Ray Pollack who may interest you. Failing that, just pick up any of Bukowski's major works and you'll have hit gold. Also, a book by John fante called Ask The Dust is one of my latest favorites. Ben Okri's the famished Road is probably the book that really made me look aat the world with writers eyes and remains one of my favorite contemporary novels.

OK, I think I'm done...

Thanks for all your words again, Love & Thoughts, Shane. X

darren said...

hi shane. the comments are interesting. you really know your stuff, and here i was thinking it was nothing more than natural talent. but it's way more than that. i am not a writer but light years back did fancy myself as one. in your replies it shows me what i was missing, i knew next to nothing of the art i was wanting to use. well, that's all really, hope you give us something new soon, daz.

Unknown said...

Hey Vee, too late! I already checked it out. I saw you in the comments here so often that I couldn't resist. It was only a few days ago, so it's funny that you mentioned it. Can't wait to see what happens to our rich little bad girl, but I think I got a pretty good guess. I'm enjoying it, so please don't stop now! Oh, and sorry about the no comments thing on my page. I only signed up to leave a comment here. ha!

Wow Shane, thanks for replying. I feel like I've shook hands with a celebrity or something! Ah, really though, Mine for the Taking - I can't BELIEVE that's not you. I mean I believe you, but check this out: mineforthetaking.blogspot.com I hope it's not offensive, but it all sounded alot like you and it was set in the same part of the world as most of your stuff. (But it was a tad boring at times and I just assumed your were making something "safe", perhaps more marketable).

I was so confused and didn't even realize it, but I see what happened now though. Kinda funny really. I was in such a frenzy to find more of your stuff that I gave you stuff that wasn't yours! I had found the Sometimes They Don't Come Back blog and I think you actually did have maybe one post on there, but there were several others posted under simply 'Shane' and I assumed that was you too. Sorry for the confusion.

I don't think I could have borne the agony of waiting for each Waiting for John post :)

Alrighty then, thanks for the recommendations and your time here. I'll be sure and check some of those out.

Hugs from across the pond . . .

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

Amy... with the link it makes even less sense as the person who wrote it is obviously female... the first few short posts (and just skim reading them) makes that very clear. She's forever babbling shit about a boyfriend, an abortion and being pregnant. She also spells 'MOM' so I'm guessing she's american and then isn't writing about places in west London. Are you serious??? Aside from that the writing is fucking awful and some of the worst shit I've seen in quite some time. But oh well, I suppose it's an understandable mistake, mistaking me for a retarded, pregnant, american teenager who is anti-drugs. It's not your writing is it Amy? A sneaky way to get me to look at it and give a thought? I just can't fathom how you could connect that nonsense to me??? I don't believe it's even on STDCB... I was involved in most things posted there and I wouldn't have posted that garbage. Anyway, I hope for your sake you're not the author but I have a hunch you may be. To whoever the author is, my only advice would be: suicide is much less painful. No matter, there's something not right about all this so maybe you should explain...

oh, and PS: I don't know where you got the idea I've written about Amy Winehouse??? She's no obsession of mine.

In fantasy I can picture you, her and me as flatmates, sitting around doing absolutely nothing together and loving every minute of it.

You seem very young. X

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

hey darren, you'll have to bare with me i'm afraid as I'd like to say and explain a few things on what you've said and just don't have time right now. X

JoeM said...

Not drowning but floating.

I love the idea that you can float to safety, even if you're trying to kill yourself.

I can't swim and fear water. Even the smell of chlorine gives me a panic attack. I was thrown in the water when I was young and can still remember the sights and sounds as a I somehow got to the surface. In fact I sometimes wonder, like Warhol did after he was shot, if I didn't really die there.

I wonder why Tony Richardson (Top Gun director) killed himself. Not even the family seems to know.

I wasn't going to comment on this since it just seemed like a short statement but everybody else is so why not.

It's funny how people like you and Dennis Cooper who are so productive are always apologizing for not being productive...

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

Hey Joe... X

Oh, you know me, and probably better than anyone else here, I'm not really trying to kill myself... just putting France down again and couldn't let the truth get in the way of a quotable line! I want to live and hope I live as long as you think I will. When I talk like that it's more a humorous reference to smoking and drugs and unhealthy living.. it wouldn't be hard to convince people I really was trying to do myself in.

Oh you mean Tony Scott. yeah, that was a weird one and I can never understand people who suicide by drowning as it seems so harsh and uncertain and torturous. I read he had terminal brain cancer and would have died within the next six months anyway. That's actually the only circumstances i'd do it too.

God, I have exactly the same fear of water as you (hence all the references to the river in my writing) and got the fear in exactly the same way. I too was pushed in the swimming pool, and it was on the day we had all the inflatables and I got trapped under the big floating pad with about ten kids sitting on it. Jesus, I panicked so much and this thing seemed to move in my direction which made me panic even further. Just before that I'd seen a hammer horror film and it was one where a woman goes under the water in the swimming pool and some mysterious force will not allow her to resurface. That really freaked me out when I was young and the inflatable accident was my kind of real experience of it.

I think people have commented on this dire excuse for a post because they've given up waiting for my promise to materialise. A lot of the time now the comments don't really have much to do with the post... and I enjoy it like that. It allows me to say a lot of stuff I'd never otherwise think about or write about.

I hope you're well Joe... not too bad here and am even jogging between 20 and 40 mins per day. Now that's not very suicidal is it... unless you're wearing french shoes! X

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

Hey Joe... X

Oh, you know me, and probably better than anyone else here, I'm not really trying to kill myself... just putting France down again and couldn't let the truth get in the way of a quotable line! I want to live and hope I live as long as you think I will. When I talk like that it's more a humorous reference to smoking and drugs and unhealthy living.. it wouldn't be hard to convince people I really was trying to do myself in.

Oh you mean Tony Scott. yeah, that was a weird one and I can never understand people who suicide by drowning as it seems so harsh and uncertain and torturous. I read he had terminal brain cancer and would have died within the next six months anyway. That's actually the only circumstances i'd do it too.

God, I have exactly the same fear of water as you (hence all the references to the river in my writing) and got the fear in exactly the same way. I too was pushed in the swimming pool, and it was on the day we had all the inflatables and I got trapped under the big floating pad with about ten kids sitting on it. Jesus, I panicked so much and this thing seemed to move in my direction which made me panic even further. Just before that I'd seen a hammer horror film and it was one where a woman goes under the water in the swimming pool and some mysterious force will not allow her to resurface. That really freaked me out when I was young and the inflatable accident was my kind of real experience of it.

I think people have commented on this dire excuse for a post because they've given up waiting for my promise to materialise. A lot of the time now the comments don't really have much to do with the post... and I enjoy it like that. It allows me to say a lot of stuff I'd never otherwise think about or write about.

I hope you're well Joe... not too bad here and am even jogging between 20 and 40 mins per day. Now that's not very suicidal is it... unless you're wearing french shoes! X

JoeM said...

Oh I didn't think you would try to kill yourself - I was just happy thinking that even if I fell (or was pushed) over a bridge I might still survive!

Tony SCOTT that's right, brother of Ridley.

Thing is the family said he didn't have brain cancer or anything. He left notes saying where various things were but no explanation...

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

Oh, I didn't know about the denials. I read the news immediately following his suicide and then nothing else. I'll have a quick read over tomorrow and get up on all the latest. For a big budget action director I actually liked his films. I especially enjoyed Spygames with Brad Pitt and Robert redford... Redfords performance in that the spark which lead to me becomong a big RR fan and chasing down his entire film history. X

Unknown said...

Ah sorry it was actually this address: min4thetaking.wordpress.com
Its about a young gay man's run away from home.

But no matter. I'm not a writer or blogger and I have no ulterior motives here. I'm sorry if I offended you. I'll just sit back quietly and enjoy your stuff from now on.

I'm 38 but I was just excited. You're my first favorite writer, Mr. Levene. I've never been much of a reader for entertainment purposes.

XX? Amy

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

hey again Amy... Oh, that makes a bit more sense. You had me worried for a minute.. I was starting to think you was the latest in a long line of crazies who seem to be attracted to me. But no, that site has absolutely nothing to do with me but I think I did post something of his on the Sometimes site. XXX

darren said...

shane i sent an email did u receive it?

Gravediggin' Under the Mancy Way said...

Hey Amy,
See, that's why I warned that it's old writing. In my opinion, it's rather drab, predictable, same-old-whingey smackhead tales of woe. I wrote it years back and haven't spent nearly enough time, (or had enough time) to remove the cringe-factor.
Highlighting the whole thing and hitting delete has been nearly but not quite as tempting as a boot of the old stuff. But seeing as it's something to pass your time reading, I'll put the next hideously cliched chapter up just for you as soon as I get to a computer.
Hey Shane,
I guess it comes with the territory, psycho stalkers and mad bitches sending obscene emails. But hey ho, popularity is money. Some day, some day. Shame about the abortion. You would have made a great world's first male anti-drugs campaigning mom. Hope you're well,
Long life, Love& Inspiration,
Vee X

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

Darren, hey... yes I received your mail. You'll have to be a little patient as mails are on the backburner until I'vee finished a piece of writing or have time to get to them. As I try to never fob people it sometimes gets so I do nothing but answer mail after mail and they're always very involved and often on complex things. I estimate that every two months I must write an entire book worth of correspondences, and though I enjoy it as it gets your thoughts and ideas down, sometimes I have to sacrificae the mails for my proper writing. So I'll reply but you'll need to be a little patient with me. X

Hey Vee... I think I owe you a reply too... I'm getting in debt now!

broken promises... debt... disappearing for day s on end... it dan only mean one thing: the wheels have fallen off the wagon before I'd even got on. Oh welll.... XXX

Unknown said...

I'm glad we're on civil terms again, Shane. I might be a bit crazy, but I'm definitely not out to get ya.

Now let's all hush so this man can do his thing!

Ah Vee, I didn't mean it like that at all. I can't seem to keep my foot away from my mouth around here :) In my worthless opinion, its not what you write but how you write it, right? Besides, I think most junky tales end up one of only two or three ways. So the surprises come from the imagery, not so much the plot.

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

hey Amy... well I'm always man enough to give a proper apology, and my god, I've given quite a few over the years! So this is my apology to you as I was a bit harsh and really shouldn't have been.

I get so many people who try everything to have me read and remark on their words that sometimes I begin seeing ploys and tricks in everything. One person, a couple of weeks ago, 'accidentally' mailed me all his poetry... the same poetry I'd told him I wouldn't review as the honesty needed for it to be of any worth is not conducive to a good friendship. It only ever leads to bad feeling and then huge trawling replies justifying everything you pointed out (which you wasn't fond of) and explaining in minute detail why that is written so and why you may want to change your opinion on it. But you'd be amazed at how far people will go to try and get their words infront of my eyes or what insane ideas they'll come up with - all with the goal of having me somehow endorse their work and link across to them. I'm not against linking, etc, but only link to stuff I really enjoy (and always without being asked). but all the games and ulterior motives do get to you and you start becoming a little suspect, especially when things don't quite seem right.

Anyway, sorry for being so hasty and I hope I didn't upset you in any way. Love and Thoughts and Apologies, Shane. X

Gravediggin' Under the Mancy Way said...

Hey Amy,
Oh no! I'm saying that from my perspective, not as having taken offence, so sorry if my reply came across as if I was having a go at you, because I wasn't. I was having a laugh at my own cheesy old book! It's me with the cringe factor here, bless ya, I'm glad you enjoyed it X

Gravediggin' Under the Mancy Way said...

Hey Shane,
Sorry for the tinned spam, and it's OK, you don't owe me nothing, just enjoy your broken wheels while they last ;)
Love Inspiration& long life,
Vee X
Hey Amy,
Why don't you post a comment on mine, then we won't be having converstions here irrelevant to Shane's stuff on here, I hate spamming!
Vee X

Unknown said...

Shane, thanks I really appreciate that. I'm ok though :) Now, if I was the little missy who wrote that other stuff, I might have blown my brains out. Seriously though, how about we just begin anew starting........now!

I just finished Trainspotting and its funny, my inner dialogue has gone Scottish. Next, I'll try the S Harsely you recommended - thanks again.

Jogging huh? Cool. You know, it is cliche, but exercise really does wonders for the mind and ego (and a svelte body is not a bad byproduct either). Combine it with good drugs and you're unstoppable. I'm in love with bicycling myself. Got a mountain bike for escaping through the woods and a BMX for when I'm feeling masochistic. Just wondering if you bike much or ever. I guess this is my version of a friendly suggestion :) Maybe give it a shot if you get bored with jogging. (whispers: it's way funner in my opinion!)

Take care,
Amy xo

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

Oh Amy... I forgot the other day to recommend Dennis Cooper...

You said you liekd the violence in some of my writing and that violence, although not influenced by Dennis Cooper, did found very far off boundaries in his writing. He's really one of the few contemporary writers i wouldn't mind plagiarizing.His first book, Frisk, is probably the best start. From that work you'll know if you'll get into him or not.

I read while I'm jogging and so bikings out. I couldn't pass an hour just exercising and doing nothing else and so i use that time each day to do my reading. Jogging-on-the-spot-reading: strengthen your heart and poison your mind!

It's not so easy at first as it's hard to keep the book still, but once you've mastered that it's a cinch. X

Nana said...

Never gave that a thought but it actually is pretty hard to kill yourself in paris intra-muros (safety nets for the eiffel tower, fossés anti-suicide in the underground, a law against tall buildings...).

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

Hey ya Nana... yep, they certainly want their citizens to suffer, I guess it's why the french is Europe's (one the world's) top abusers of prescribed medication. Though here, if you try to kill yourself and are unsuccessful on the third time you are immediately commited to the loony bin for an undefined period of time. Guns aren't easy to come by here either, so hemingway's luck would have been out. I suppose the only real option is this:

How To Kill Yourself In France


Nana said...

Nah, even that won't work with all that red wine flowing. en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/French_paradox
The looney bins are comfy though.

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

I'll still stick with La Grande Bouffe.

The French paradox is the observation that French people suffer a relatively low incidence of coronary heart disease, despite having a diet relatively rich in saturated fats. The term French paradox was coined by Serge Renaud, a scientist from Bordeaux University in France.

However, when you then know that:

The Bordeaux region is the most important wine producing region in the world. Bordeaux has about 10,000 chateaux!

I think this guy may possibly has a vested interest in wine being healthy. But I know many heavy wine drinkers and most have no teeth, porous livers and severe brain damage. I even know one who's had both his legs amputated and gone blind. Before that he was a ski-instructor. X

Anna said...

I know this is an ancient comment, but I'm going to answer anyway.
I was promoting over-drinking in any way, thus study recommends one or two glasses a day, and generally, there's a consensus saying a little bit of alcohol is okay, maybe even good for you, but that alcoholism is disastrous. I'm from a family of druggies, so I understand your concern.
Also, this guy is trustable, Bordeaux is supposed to be one of the biggest epidemiology units in France, and his article was peer-reviewed.
Anyways, I answered more in jest than anything else. You weren't supposed to take that comment so seriously, but I understand why you did. I'm sorry for your friend.
Feliz año hermano, be safe and well.