The hassle of having to score in the suburbs is over. I met Sylvain this afternoon and he informed me that D was holding. That’s good news as D is only five minutes from me and he will usually come to the appartment. Sylvain is one of these junkies that is always cursing heroin and constantly talking of rehabilitation. Apart from detox and the size of bags he has no view on anything else. He is of the type that will sit on the fence until they keel over and fall to one side or the other. They let death choose their life, whereas I let life choose my death.
I first met Sylvain nearly 3 years ago at The Hôtel Dieu – the city’s main substitution unit. He was quite handsome then, but he has changed drastically since. Now He is sallow & withdrawn. His clothes are filthy and torn and he has absesses all over his hands. His mouth looks like a clenched anus that is trying to suck all his features in. At one point during our brief conversation he tipped his head back and bellowed, displaying the rotten contents of his mouth. It reminded me of a dank, wet dungeon.... his teeth the remnants of a broken and rusted portcullis. I think I caught sight of only one whole tooth, mostly they were just black specks in lumpy puss filled gums.
Unlike me, Sylvain has no pride, neither is he out to deceive. He seems eagar to show the diseased existence of years of heroin abuse... to force all the vileness of addiction in your direction. I suppose Sylvain's body is his work of art.... it’s his expression. I understand that more than I may let on.
Bad Teeth & Cleverness
Romanticism & French Smack
The first hint of spring came today. It arrived on the breeze like a welcome kiss. Oh, its too early to celebrate the warmer seasons, I know, but this afternoon brought just the tiniest hint of romance. Some things transport me back to magical times, times that never really existed, and the changing seasons are always one of those things. I remember afew years ago, renting the upstairs flat of a Victorian maisonette in Fulham, and on warm spring or summer mornings I would flush and scrub the wooden floorboards with cold soapy water. The sun would heat the wood and the most wonderful scents would rise up. I would sit, bare-footed at my writing desk, smoking and reading... drifting in and out of fantastic and obsessive daydreams. That is what spring is to me... it’s the doorway to unrequited sensations. Spring offers it all. I think this romanticism is one of my biggest problems.
Heroin is also a romance... a distorted, depraved and narcissistic romance. Heroin has a history, an image. It has literary and artistic connotations... it is all glorious until one IS heroin, then things rapidly change. Romance turns to reality and reality is a solitary, introverted chase for the drug. Heroin is also a statement... it is a silent scream... a subliminal advertisement for help. But above all, heroin is a slow death - it is the way non-suicidal people choose to kill themselves. Heroin is how I will kill myself... I've known this for many years. I think I’ve already done it.
But for all this, I cannot come to criticise the drug. I honestly believe that if it were not for heroin I would already be dead. This is something that someone who has never had this addiction can never understand – the addicts lack of regret. I have seen junkies riddled by HIV or bloated and jaundiced by hepatitis singing the drugs praises. Their regret is not the drug, it is getting turned onto the needle. You must understand, death gets in the way of one’s habit... it is a permanent detour from the next shot... a permanent release from the pain. Death is neither welcome nor wanted. It is not suicidal depression that troubles the heroin addict... it is something else, something that I cannot yet explain.
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Today I will have to leave Lyon to score. This place is not like London with 10 or 20 dealers to each square mile. No, here you’ll be lucky if there are 10 dealers in trhe entire city.... it is very often that one cannot find anything. The only time this happened in London was during the war in Afghanistan. American troops on the border interrupted the usual drug routes and there was nothing on the streets for nearly two weeks. As you can imagine most junkies were anti-war! That drought went on in different manifestations for months – either low quality gear, or increased prices and smaller bags. In Lyon it is always like that. The other difference here is the wait. It can take up to six hours to score. In London you are doing badly if it takes 30 minutes. In France, the addict learns very quickly the importance of methodone as a backup. The rehabilitation rules are very lax here, so almost every junkie has their own script. That includes me... my problem is I need twice as much as what i'm prescribed, so I have to buy the rest on the street. Anyway, for now I have a good backup supply so the fear of junk illness is not a worry - that allows life to flow smoothly.
Dear Aunt Agony... Where Does A Heroin Addict Inject?
Dear A.A,
My boyfriend is an injecting drug user. I do not have much experience of addiction and drug addicts, and even though we've been together for over eighteen months I am still very confused over what is the truth. My boyfriend acts very open about his problem and tries to guide me on what is happening but I often feel like he's giving me disinformation so as it's easier for him to cover up his signs of use. One of the main things is injecting. He frequently pulls his shirt off and throws his arms in my face, telling me to inspect them as some kind of proof that he is not using. And it's true, I can't see any mark or sore or bruise on his arms, but the thing is I KNOW he has used! I CAN TELL by his eyes, his talk, even his eating habits! But his arms are clean and then he makes me feel all guilty for accusing him of using and even says that I'm 'paranoid' and that I've even put the idea of using in his head now. Please, where else can an addict inject (apart from the arms)? Is there any place someone can inject which leaves no trace? [Katerline]
A.A Says:
Hey Katerline, it seems your boyfriend is using some very common behavioural traits to try to play down his addiction. That's not any kind of criticism as I've done exactly the same myself and it's often necessary if the life is going to be even a little tranquil. I guess by you 'inspecting' his arms and wanting to inspect other parts of his body that he's not so much 'putting his arms in your face' as he is finally giving in to your relentless questions (maybe moods) concerning his drug use until he finally offers up his body for inspection so as he can get some peace (possibly you too). I don't think you're paranoid. If you know the signs and you're sure then you have to believe what your eyes tell you and not what someone tries to convince you of. Concerning injecting, addicts can inject anywhere there is a vein... no matter how small. Have a look over your own body and count all the places you spot veins – they are all potential shooting areas. Personally I've shot in just about every place you can get a needle: arms, hands, front of fingers, back of fingers, palm, chest, abdomen, legs, behind the knees, along the shin bone, the calf (both sides), the ankle, the forefoot, my toes, the inner underside of my foot, my forehead, shoulders, wrists... wherever there's a vein, there's a shot. One of the great myths of injecting is that it marks the body. Yes, it will if you continuously shoot in the same places (or with older addicts like me who find it hard getting any vein) but with new fresh veins there are often no marks left, and many times there's not even blood from the injection site. Needles are very very fine... ten times smaller than a sowing needle. With that in mind, you can imagine how tiny the pin prick is. However, some people scar very easy and terribly. I've never scarred much, and apart from a track mark running down the middle of both hands, you'd be hard pressed to find any tracks on my arms. So yes, there are many places one can inject and leave no obvious mark as to what it is.
For further info read this graphic and detailed account of the injecting process: The Pain of Painkilling
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Dear Aunt Agony... How Long Does a Heroin Addict Live?
Aren't Agony Says:
Hey Anon Searcher,
It's not an easy question to answer and I can only do so in a very general fashion. I guess the average life of an addict (through my experience) is around 45 years. However, that's speaking about street addicts. If we refer to people who are on long term prescribed heroin (for certain illnesses, disabilities) then their life span is not affected by the drug. Their mortality rate is as good/bad as anyone else's (as long as they're not being dripped heroin for a terminal disease). It's not really the heroin that kills but the diseases, infections, bacteria that gets into the body with the smack. Also, and this is VERY important, life expectancy is ONLY around 45 years for needle addicts. Someone smoking or snorting heroin will have the same life expectancy as someone who's never used heroin before. More than the heroin, future and historical studies will show that most addicts died prematurely from: HIV, Hepatitis, and lung and heart infections. The Overdose is kinda a romantic myth and most addicts just aren't that lucky. The majority waste away to nothing in some grotty hospital gown, in an even grottier hospital with not a soul to even bring them in a fix.
Dear Aunt Agony... Do Heroin Addicts Become Violent When They Are Ill?
Dear Aunt Agony,
Is it true that heroin addicts get violent when they are ill? My friend wants me to babysit him through withdrawals and I am willing to do it but am scared that when he's desperate he may go crazy on me. Do you think I should accept to babysit him through withdrawal? I've done it once before but it didn't even last two hours before he made an excuse to go to the toilet, then said he needed some air, and never came back. But this time I think he's serious as he's been talking about it a while and seems to really want to stop. I hope he does anyway.
Sarah.
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Aunt Agony says:
Hiya Sarah,
This thing about heroin addicts being violent is pure media myth served up as an indirect way to have people believe that heroin addiction takes such a strong grip upon the addict that it turns them into knife wielding drug crazed maniacs. But the truth is, when an addict is properly ill, it is one of the weakest physical conditions someone can be in (without being dead). It's pure torture just laying still, nevermind moving, or doing anything strenuous. Often the addict is so ill they cannot even score themself. So no, an addict who is ill is not dangerous or violent. More than anything they will be an emotional, begging, pleading, groaning, cursing mess... but they'll be so unwell that they'll not be a danger to anyone. The point where an addict is capable of doing something completely out of character (maybe violent) is just before they get ill... when they know it's coming and have to do something within the next few hours to prevent it. As time ticks on, and as the addict becomes more uncomfortable, so he/she considers more desperate means to raise money. If a violent act may occur, it is there where it will happen... the threat of it at least. I say "the threat of it" because hitting someone isn't going to get you well or get you money. But a show of rage, scaring someone, could frighten them into giving up 20 quid. Really it is this: if your friend doesn't have a violent temperament he will not become violent: no matter what. If however he is known for chucking the occasional right hook when frustrated then that will not change. Still, with proper withdrawals I cannot see anyone becoming violent. Dope sickness is an illness which puts psychopaths on their backs... any prison guard or mental health worker will tell you the same.
Babysitting??? for me that never works and always ends the same: the addict begging to be let out – to the point where the babysitter just cannot take it no more. If by some miracle you can put up with it, and don't fall for one of the any number of tricks that the addict will use to taste fresh air, then there can be anything from a room fire to the addict feigning death to have the door opened. If ever there was a detox plan which has less success than even government funded schemes, then it's that one. But that doesn't mean to not do it. It just warns you that it's very rarely gonna end in success, and more than likely, if your friend did make five days, as soon as it's over he'd leave and immediately score just to get rid of the stress of the past week.
Now my question, as something in your first mail intrigued me. You say the first babysitting attempt didn't even last an hour? Can I ask, did you give your friend money that day? Let's say for some medical supplies.... paracetamol... herbal relaxants.. energy drinks, etc?
Until soon... all my best, Aunt Agony. X
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Hello auntie,
thanks for explaining things about the violence, so now I don't think i've anything to worry about but I have heard so many stories and not always from the media. I know you say it's hopeless but i've decided i will babysit my friend. I'd like it to be me who sat through it with him if he did make it. If it does no good, well, it cannot do harm, and so i think it'd be best if i am there no matter what. We have planned to do it on monday as he says he wants to have that as a clean start and time to get his head fully around the idea. So fingers crossed. I hope he he succeeds because he struggle(suffers) so much with his problem.
OMG how did you know about me giving money for medicines? did you read my story on the experience project? No one ever read that!lol
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Aunt Agony says:
Hi again Sarah,
The Experience Project??? I don't even know what it is. So sorry to disappoint you but still no one has read your piece... maybe tomorrow, lol. No, when you said he had disappeared after an hour it reminded me of a few stories I've heard and even not too far from something I often used to do when funds were tight. I knew because I'm a junkie... there are some gains to be had in all of this!
Oh, things are NEVER hopeless. I just let you know the real chances of this kind of detox working so as you don't end up disappointed, or worse, thinking your friend somehow let you both down by not succeeding. And as I say, even if your friend actually makes it through the withdrawals that's still not time to celebrate and toast his saved soul... that's just 5 days out of a lifetime. When he leaves the room every phone line is a direct line to a dealer, every street the walk to a meet. Detox is one thing, but shirking the monkey for good quite another. So I was just letting you know, and if it seems a negative thing to tell you, it's not... it's only the truth.
Anyway, let me know how you get on... and if there's ever anything else you can mail anytime.
All my thoughts, A.A . X
Dear Aunt Agony... Why Do Heroin Addicts Have Dirty Fingers?
Dear A.A...
my boyfriend is a heroin addict (was when I met him) and his fingers are always black. He's not dirty and showers every day but always seems to have these horrible grimy fingers. Can you explain where that comes from? Is it drugs on his fingers? And if so could they get into my system?
Izabella
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Aunt Agony says:
Hiya Izabella,
I will explain what the dirt is, but will you first tell me if your boyfriend:
a) smokes or injects heroin
b) uses crack cocaine (and how)
Thoughts, A.A
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Thanx for replying I really didn't think you would.
My boyfriend smokes heroin and smokes crack.
Izabella,
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Aunt Agony says:
Izabella, the dirt on your boyfriends fingers will come from two different things.
Firstly it will be the soot (carbon) which forms on the underside of the tin foil he smokes his heroin on. Unless your boyfriend washes his hands after each time he smokes (which would mean him living in the bathroom) his fingers will get this black residue on it. (Some users preheat the foil and then wipe away the carbon before using it to prevent this, but it doesn't stop it completely, and in a rush there's no time to be preheating your foil before taking a boot.) Secondly, as your boyfriend also smokes crack, his fingers will get dirty ashing up his pipe (carbon again) and picking up crumbs of rock that are on the table/tile around the ash etc. It looks much grimier than it really is.
Finally, no, the dirt is not drugs. If it was your boyfriend would have smoked his own fingers years ago. There will be some trace elements but nothing to worry about.
Hope that explained what the dirt is... All My Thoughts Agony. X
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Izabella
LOL. It helped a lot (really).
xoxo
Dear Aunt Agony... How Can I Score in London?
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Dear Aunt Agony...
Do you know where i can get a decent bit of kit in london?
Chris
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Dear Chris,
As you'll understand I can't give you dealers numbers, but you can do 1 of 3 things and I guarantee you'll score within 20 minutes.
1) Find your local needle exchange. Wait for the first person to come out and say you need help. Offer them a £15 bag to score and introduce you to the dealer.
2) Approch a young/middle aged beggar. 70% have heroin problems and are usualy just begging until they raise 20 quid to score.
3) Go to the nearest methadone Clinic. Most are still using and will be able to help you. Again, for the numbr (and to ensure you're not robbed) offer to buy for them also. No one will do that for a
stranger for free.
Good Luck and let me know how you get on.
A. A. x
Dear Aunt Agony... Is My Boyfriend Injecting Pain Pills?
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Dear Aunt Agony...
Hey my name is Shazza. I wanted to tell u somethings that is going on with my boyfriend so i can understand better. I find his collection of spoons and needles of course i throw them away. From what i understand from a friend .He shoots up Oxycontins, roxys, and other pain pills. Can u shoot up pain pills? Hes also on methadone can he shoot that to? Anytime i say anything about the needles or spoons, he gets so angry and said he hasnt used in awhile. He said he doesn't talk about it because hes ashamed. He finally told me it is so hard to stop .And he wasn't doing it anymore.But i find cotton with a dried blue substance on it. And me i dont know much about any of this. His arms look better ,where else can you shoot up? Its sad he or should i say we live with this,.Dont know if i should go or stay but scared it will make matters worse .Any advice would be great, i'm alone in this. Fear to talk to friends or family. I'm not sure how i can help him. so does this make
him junkie or addict i'm confused .Also he gets sick throws up, runs a high temp, upset stomach and everything that goes with that. And this is going on up to three days a week. And he jerks hard and cant control it. But doesnt jerk all the time. ~Idk~Whats going on with all that ? Thank you for your time!
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Aunt Agony says:
Oh, it's no problem mailing me... anytime. Yes you can shoot pain pills, many people do.
Methadone... not really, bu there is one kind you can shoot though i really doubt thats what he's doing. The cotton with the blue substance on it will be Oxycontin. Heroin filters are pale yellow or
brown.
Regarding shooting you can inject anywhere there is a vein. If not the arms or hands then the legs or feet. Someaddicts shoot in he neck and some in the groin (not the actual groin, the pit of the inside thigh).
If your boyfriend lives a normal life, but shoots pain pills everyday, he's an addict. If he needs to steal, cheat and lie to get money for his drugs, then he's a junkie. It's a small thing and not really important. Many will say that if you are addicted to opiates you're a junkie, period
Getting sick will be withdrawals. His brain and body needs opiates. The jerks are a side-effect many users have. It's because the muscles relax under the influence of the drug and then jump to control when the brain mistakenly acts to control them. . It's a spasm, like sometimes you have while dreaming.
Keep in mind that most people who shoot Oxy's also shoot heroin. Though heroin is much stronger and more expensive.
All My Best, Auntie. x
Dear Aunt Agony... Boyfriend Won't Forgive me for Two Lines of Coke!
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Dear Aunt Agony...
Random.......I'm hoping you can help me with something urgent because nobody seems to understand and after reading your blog I figured maybe you could help....I have a situation with my boyfriend who was about to propose to me. He found out that I tried cocaine twice and now is willing to end our relationship and I don't know what's left to say?...his really touchy like that and truly thinks I lost all my dignity and self respect, mind you I tried this two years ago. What the hell can I tell this guy to make him "forgive" me!?
Im sorry this is random, but your a guy. You should know what to say/do......being your from london too..my boyfriends from there as well.
- Jennifer from Austriala
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Aunt Agony says:
Hiya Jennifer,
Thanks for mailing I'm a bit rushed here so will get down to it.
For the business with the cocaine and your almost fiancés reaction towards it, well it sounds a tad extreme to me!
Is your boyfriend also a jealous type? I've a feeling he is, and that there is something else bugging him about your little dalliance in the snow. I suspect he has heard all these silly stories of coke turning people into nymphomaniacs and is possessed with jealousy imaging you getting fucked left right and centre by the entire town. I may be wrong, but I don't think so. The cocaine is just his means to have something concrete to focus his jealousy upon and justify the chances of his worst fears being true. I would also hazard a guess that he has no experience of the substance and so bases his thoughts on what it does from the weekend tales of his work colleagues.
How does he know you tried cocaine twice?
With someone that hung up about it I think the best thing to do is lie and try to convince him that it isn't true. In a way that's what he's pressing for anyway. Maybe say something like you was trying to act 'cool' and wanted to impress him. Something like that.
If he keeps up his whingeing and threats not to marry you, fuck him off, telling him that he'd never have been able to satisfy you anyway... not after fucking for England coked out your mind, and taking three Irishmen and a chimpanzee in the park! That'll freak him out.
All My best Aunt Agony X.
Dear Aunt Agony... Subutex or Methadone?
Dear Aunt Agony...
Hope you had a decent xmas and new year. We had a wonderful white xmas over here in Fife,Scotland. Story book stuff it was.
Anyway,i wanted to say that I'm currently on a waiting list for the local methadone programme (16 weeks waiting list) as i'm struggling to buy it on the street now what with everything else im using.
I wanted to ask you about Subutex/Suboxone as you mentioned it in your blog. I know everyone is different and there are a lot of factors involved but the stuff i've read about it is conflicting. Is it a poor cousin of methadone in your opinion?
Would it spoil my enjoyment of heroin and other stuff if i was given Subutex instead of methadone as some say it's a blocker?
That's been said about methadone but when i use H on top of methadone it certainly doesn't block or take away any enjoyment.
Thanks for reading and i hope your doing well man.
Cheers,
Ed x
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Aunt Agony says:
Hiya Ed,
Oh, I'm not too bad... though it could be better(quite a bit better, haha!)
Yeah, we had a white christmas over here too. Normally if I'd have said that it would've meant there'd been a lot of crack about, but not this time... not in france. Just cold cold snow.
Subutex,
No, it's not a poor cousin of methadone, it's very different and more like heroin than methadone. Unfortunately after being a heroin addict it then only serves to keep illness at bay and you don' get any of the classic opiate effects. I prefer methadone. But you can shoot subutex.
Yes, subutex does act as a blocker., and Suboxone is even worse. friends of mine stabilized on subutex tell me they don't even feel the effects of a shot of H unless they've not taken subs for at least 24hrs. Though on low doses you can feel it, but it's still weakened.
I'm the same as you,I don't feel methadone blocks the effect of heroin, though it does depend on what dose you're taken and how long before you've just knocked it back. I find the effect of smack is lessened if you use withing the first 5 hours of drinking a usual dose of methadone. But it's only weakened, not blocked.
When Subutex was first introduced as a substitute (in general) it worked like this:
Methadone was prescribed to injecting addicts, and subutex was preferredfor those who were snorting or chasing. But over here in france there are more IV users on subs than on juice. Another problem I've come across is that injecting addicts were not initially held at ALL by subutex
and were getting sick even after being medicated. The period of stabilization is certainly harsher for sub users. Personally, I'd always choose methadone, but I also know people that swear by subutex. I suppose is what ever you get used to and what you know psychologically will hold you.
Why don't you try this:
buy some subutex on the street (say an average daily dose x 3) try using it and see how it goes. If it's agreeable maybe try speaking to your GP and seeing if you can cross over bu on the strict condition if you feel it's not foing what it should you can swich right back to methadone... it shouldn't be problem. This happens a lot, as many people suffer horrendous migraines with
buprenorphine (subutex) and are then put on meth.
What's not in doubt is that Subutex WILL block the effect of heroin. So, if you want to continue using H it's not the best choice.
Let me know what you do and keep in touch...
All my Thoughts
Auntie. X
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