Dear Aunt Agony...
I am not an addict or junkie, never tried it and never will. I am not a hypocrite, I have tried pot, cocaine, extasy and steroids but used them in moderation and quit years ago on my own. I don't understand pain pill addiction or heroin addiction or any type of addiction other than the one I am suffering from currently: I am in love (addicted) to my heroin junkie (yes after reading your description she is a junkie) girlfriend.
At first I suspected pills, I had no idea she was taking anything she could get her hands on including heroin. I made her come clean, there was no more hiding it. She had gotten noticeably worse and is on a horrible downward spiral. She is going to die of an overdose. She is young, (21) thinks she has it all under control. She takes heroin, percoset, tramadol, soma, anything she can get her hands on, alcohol and pot on top of it all.
My heart won't let me walk away yet my mind is telling me to run. This is so painful, I am sad for her every minute of every day, the few moments a day when I have 'normal girl' are so great. Watching her suffer when she needs is horrible, watching her fiend for it kills me. She told me she wanted to quit and asked me to take her to a methadone clinic the other morning at 7am, she was sick, she needed something, she was getting angry they were taking so long, when she finally got it, she said it wasn't enough and she was going to get some more on the street...it's been 2 full days now since i last saw her.
I am sick, sicker than a junkie without and terribly heartbroken. I know she will show back up, she will call from somewhere at 2 in the morning. My mind will wander thru all the scenarios of where she has been and what she has done to get her fix. I worry about her constantly, when she is not with me I am ill with fear of what may end up happening.
I am so sad for her, so mad at the people giving her what she needs, so lost not knowing how to help her and so confused as to follow my heart or my mind.
Aunt Agony says
thank you so much for reading my words and taking the time to contact me. I'm very sorry that you go through this - it's never a good experience. The first thing I will advise you is stick to your guns and DO NOT start using to try and get closer to your girl. It will not help and will only drag you down further into a place where you can be of no use.
Help??? I will be truthful and I will not give you false hopes, but there really is nothing you or ANYONE can do. Even if you understand the reason why your girlffriend uses, it will not help her to stop. Heroin is a longterm addiction and the addict will normally only consider quitting once they've got no cash, are being threatened with jail, or after they are repeatedly junk sick.
As a nobody I tell you WALK AWAY. As a person with a heart and a brain and with the experience of love behind me, I know that is impossible. So you stay and you try to support her habit. Not financially but mentally. Accept it, accept it all and try to gain her absolute confidence. Even if the truth hurts hold in your anger or hurt... cry alone if you have to. If she trusts you she will let you into her addiction... she will let you help and make you apart of her plans.
With openess you will at least know the extent of the problem and how she is funding her habit. If you can help in anyway to help fund her, consider doing so (many will lambast me for saying that)... but do not give her your last pennies. Allow her to use in front of you and do not get annoyed, or if you do make it a private thing. The addict needs security and somewhere peaceful and safe to use. If you stress her and ask all manner of questions or moan or cry about her problem she will only learn to lie and hide it from you. But if she feels you're a part of it, fighting on her side, she will take you right in with her. Of course, it'll mostly be to get your money, but unfortunately thats the biggest part of the addicts problem.
From what you say she is certainly using a mixture of drugs because she cannot fund heroin everyday. Heroin does satisfy, so if she is using all the other pills on top it says she is not getting enough heroin. Is she on a methadone program at the moment? I know you say you went to the clinic but is she on a daily dose or did she quit the program as soon as she got better?
I'm not really sure what else I can tell you. You are in an impossible situation and one that will break your heart... I've seen my loved ones around me suffer because of my use, and no-one could have stopped me from using... NO-ONE.
Anyhow, you have my email address, contact me anytime and ask as many questions as you like. I
will never ignore you and will always try to help. I will at least always give you the truth as I see it.
Until then, you take care and you think about some of the things I have said.
My thoughts are with You... My love and wishes too.. Auntie H. x
I really thank you for your response and honesty. I sat down today with Becca (my girlfriend), we had a conversation about if she considered herself a junkie or an addict. She thought addict, I had her read what you initially wrote and she changed her tune. Then I had her read what I wrote and she opened to me. We read your response together, I almost had her but lost her again. I am sure it will be a day or two before I see her or talk to her, she is in a jam. She is not ready for help and I realize that. She knows I am here for her but I know that I must limit my availability to her until she hits bottom. She is a great person with a sweet heart but she is too afraid to stop, it's too easy to keep going on the path she is on. I will keep you informed and once again I thank you for your honestly.
Keep in contact and if you need any help or advice or you don't understand Becca's behaviours just send a mail. I will always be here and will always help or advise in any way I can.
You take care and try not to worry too much. I can only respect you for even sticking it out for one day... Love and Wishes, Auntie.
PS: Keep this in mind: heroin OD is possible but very difficult. Unless done on purpose it's not easy to misjudge so greatly one's dose. To take a fatal OD the user has to take at least 5 -10 times their normal amount. Try not to endlessly worry that every time Becca uses she is dancing with death. I've been using 10 years (5 times daily) and the addicts around me the same. Between us we only know of 1 or 2 fatal OD's. I have no personal experience of them.
Thanks Auntie. She called today, I was working and told her I would be done around 7, she was going to call at 7 and have me come pick her up. Of course that didn't happen and she will call me later tonight or tomorrow with some excuse. It's so hard and I don't know why I care so much when I know I shouldn't.